Dating : 5 Feminist Dating Tips

It took me a long time to figure out how I could date as a feminist without being minimizing myself. It also took me a long time to remember I was dating, and not applying for college. It’s supposed to be fun and easy, not laborious and stressful!

My goal has always been to find that kind of love that I could walk into without hesitation, as if it were meant to be. No plan is perfect, but I did end up with the man of my dreams. It was just 20 years after I started looking.

For years, I stopped and stumbled my way through singlehood, wavering between being a strong, independent sister living it up in the city to a wretched hag mourning my singlehood and celebrating divorces with my newly singled peers.

Almost never without a date, boyfriend or fiancé, I was always in a relationship, but never with long term commitment. I hated the feeling of uncertainty about the future, but also had a hard time letting go of the ‘cool girl’ persona who wasn’t too pushy or demanding.

Eventually, I had come to terms with the fact that I was giving the men in my life too much control. For me, ‘cool girl’ became synonymous with passive and fearful. It was time to recognize that my life had already begun, and that I was working way too hard for the wrong reasons and the wrong people.

Five tips for dating like a feminist.

5. Practice Radical Selfism

You were born lovable and worthy of love, so don’t think for a minute you have to work for it. Let me say that again for those in the back. You were already born worthy of love. You do not need to work for it.

If you’re a gal who likes to wear t-shirts and jeans, don’t feel pressured to wear heels and dresses on that first date. If you like to shower once a week and sew potato sacks into pant suits, you do you. Your role in the dating world is not to be the girl every man wants to bang. Even (or especially) if you’re naturally gorgeous in a Hollywood way. Your role is to be your authentic self, so someone else’s authentic self can bond with you.

The worst thing that could happen if you make yourself more ‘appealing’ to the opposite sex: the man actually likes the highly redesigned, curated you. Then you’ll have to spend the rest of your life keeping up this unpaid acting gig for the pleasure of one human who you may or may not even like yourself. It’s too much trouble and he’s not that cute. Just start with the gritty truth from the get-go, and hope for the best.

Then, let go. If it’s not a match, it’s not because you failed. Breaking up means just that: you’re not a match. It does not mean you’re unlovable. It does not mean you will be alone forever. You’re still lovable and amazing and worthy of respect. You just happened to be dating a square peg for your round… you get the point.

But now you’re free to find a round peg. And, let’s be honest. That sounds way more comfortable than the square kind.

4. Stop looking for The One.

In my early twenties, every time I went on a date, I would tie myself in knots beforehand thinking, “This guy might be my future husband! I’m so excited to meet him!”

Then, when the date didn’t go well, I could feel my ridiculous expectations just shatter into a million pieces, leaving me depressed and anxious to know, “What went wrong? Why didn’t this work out?”

When I first got the advice to stop looking for The One, it was like trying to drive past an accident without looking. I’d go on dates feeling eager and interested, but also thinking, “Are you the one? Maybe! I’m not looking. I’m not looooking! Can everyone see how cool I am while I am not looking?” Eventually, all I did was manage to drive myself crazy trying not to try when secretly also trying.

It wasn’t until I started approaching first dates with a new mantra that I truly found my zen, “This is probably the only time I’ll go out with this person, so I might as well relax and have a good time tonight.” There was no pressure not to ‘screw it up’ because it was no longer about the future. There was no pressure to be perfect. I was no longer sizing up a man for his potential father-abilities. I was getting to know someone at a natural pace, and when our connected didn’t work out, I knew I would still be ok. And I was.

3. Use Newton’s Law.

I know we’ve all seen the movies where the lonely girl is taking a lonely stroll through a city park when her hat blows off and the guy of her dreams catches it, hands it back, and they fall in love forever. Chance meetings absolutely happen. But does that mean you want to stake your future relationships on a chance meeting? How many hats do you actually own?

When it comes to dating, the internet is a thing now. And an object at rest stays at rest, and an object in motion stays in motion. Sound familiar? The laws of physics apply to your dating life as well.

There’s no excuse for not getting out there and meeting people. Even if you don’t find the perfect match for years, at least you’re in motion. If anything, going out on short coffee dates with interesting men will lead to interesting stories and new connections. Remember, you’re not going into these dates asking yourself if this man is your future husband. You’re just going to meeting a nice person for coffee and a chat. So, re-the-fuck-lax. Get online and set up some nice afternoon chats with people you may never see again. Once you’ve put yourself in motion to meet new people, meeting a new friend and lover becomes just a numbers game.

2. Live Your Life

You’re single, not waiting to be born. My biggest regret is ever thinking, “When I get married I’ll… blah blah blah.” or “When I have a husband we’ll …blah blah blah.” Now that I’m married, I’m looking back thinking — why didn’t I just do those things I really wanted to do?!

There is a ridiculous belief in our culture that adulthood begins when you get married. Maybe that was true back when women got married at age 14, but now that belief just creates this weird sense of impermanence for those of us who spent a good part of our adulthood living independently.

My advice to people in their 20s, 30s, and beyond: If you want to buy that house, figure out how to do it yourself. If you want to have a child, start the research and plan the path. Don’t hold off on realizing your dreams until you find a partner, because that partner may or may not materialize in time for these dreams to be realized.

Control what you can control and what will make you happy, even if it’s something usually saved for married couples. If and when you meet someone worth marrying, you will find a way to make things work… together.

Soapbox side note: A big reason why it’s so hard to take these life steps without a partner is because U.S. policies make it intentionally hard. Our laws haven’t moved that far away from a 1950s view of family, so working women’s needs simply are not supported (yet). Get involved in politics and start lobbying for the things women need, whether it be affordable housing, affordable childcare, or mandating equal pay. Push your government to work for you, not against you.

1. Be slow to hire, fast to fire.

This is the piece of advice makes my friends gasp every time. So, get ready to do a spit take and clutch your pearls in horror: Be honest about what you want — upfront and honest — and dump him if it’s a mismatch.

When you go on a date with a man, it is ok to tell him you want to get married and have children. In fact, it’s ok to tell him you are dating to find a long term partner. Because he is also old enough to be able to then tell you what he wants out of life. You’re not being desperate, you are simply making sure that your interests match up.

That doesn’t mean that you’re saying you want these things with him. In fact, if this was American Idol, he’s still waiting in line outside the building, hopping nervously from foot to foot, telling Ryan Seacrest how much he hopes to be let into the building to impress you with his voice.

So, why is it important to put that expectation out there? Isn’t it better to be the ‘cool girl’ and let things unfold naturally? Sure, if you’re ok with letting this random dude plan your future for you without your input. If you fall in love with a man who ‘never’ wants children (and you do), it’s going to be harder to leave him when you realize the truth.

There are also men out there who are looking to be ‘boyfriends forever’. I’m pretty sure I’ve dated most of them. For the guy afraid of marriage, they leverage shame to get what they want, while posing as great partners. These men get to date you, sleep with you, laugh with you, have your love and support, without the trouble of making an actual commitment. (If that’s ok with you, you can skip this one!)

In my experience, these guys will tell you they’re looking for a life partner the first few times you hang out, but if you bring it up months later, you’ll experience some serious gaslighting. Generally, it sounds like, “Why are you bringing this up now? Let’s talk about this in a few weeks.” and “You sound needy. It’s too early to talk about this. We barely know each other”

What they’re really saying is, “I am a man-child incapable of an adult conversation, let alone a future commitment, and you’re making me afraid that’s not enough for you.”

It doesn’t have to be enough for you. He is old enough to know what he wants in life.

If you’re seriously looking for a husband, do your best to weed out the babies by insisting that your needs and conversations are met with respect. It’s ok if he’s not ready to get married right away. Everyone gets there in their own time, and that could take some time. But during that time, you should be sharing your hopes and dreams with each other, not avoiding them for fear of scaring the other person away.

It is not ok if he refuses to talk about the future or makes you feel needy just because you wanted to talk about it. You aren’t being needy. You’re being honest. That’s what well-meaning adults do.

If he can’t talk to you like an adult, it’s time to find someone who can. Let him go. It’ll hurt like hell, until you meet a man who is at your level. Then you’ll wonder why you ever wasted your time.

And, who knows? Maybe someday your old man-child-ex will mature and find his way back to you. But, by then, you’ll probably be so far beyond his games, it won’t even cross your mind to reply to his text.

*And, just a reminder: You don’t need to do anything more to be lovable. You already are.