Dating : A Black Woman’s Chances on Match.com by Hannah Erica

When I was in my early 20s, being married and having a family meant the most to me. I got my wish. I married young and became a mother. The marriage didn’t last, so I became a divorcée. In my 30s, meeting a man held a new meaning for me. I was independent, a single mother and a homeowner. I wanted a committed relationship with someone who could match me and just enjoy life together. I couldn’t find what I was looking for. That’s when I turned to Match.com.

Why online dating? I was a bit of an introvert, so I didn’t make introductions to men I felt were attractive. I worked seven days a week which left little time for social events. Walking around in my environment didn’t offer the best dating options either. I was tired of meeting guys that look like men, but they were actually boys. Some men thought they were a catch because… well, they’re breathing. And they had a testosterone-filled woody.

Ten years ago, online dating sites seemed like a safe environment to meet new people. I could clearly state what I was looking for, see men I would never have the chance to meet and block all the crazies. If you live under a rock, Match.com is a long-standing online dating service. First, you build a profile, add what you’re looking for, describe yourself physically, your personality, lifestyle and add pictures. Next, you look through the member’s profiles. Match.com emails you a list of people, based on how close you match. I had opted for the six-month plan, which was cheaper monthly than the one-month plan and the three-month plan. They had a free option, but I was not interested in limited access and teaser emails.

My dating plan was simple. I would meet in a public place, preferably a restaurant, and see what happens. What did I experience? Guys looking 10 years older than their online pictures, men living with their mom or renting rooms, (not good for the 35–45 age range) men in relationships cheating on their significant others and men who enjoyed talking online but avoided an in-person meeting. I felt it wasted my time, sifting through the liars and losers. I could have called up some of my exes for that. I decided to delete my profile.

There wasn’t a rush for me to find “the one”. I wasn’t as thirsty as Morpheus.

I decided I could do anything alone, whether it be traveling, going out to dinner or catching a movie. My new focus was to “find myself”. The trouble with that was companionship and intimacy had no viable substitutes. I tried food, and it tasted good going in, but there’s a price to pay for its companionship.

My Renewed Interest in Match.com

Why did I go back on Match in 2018?

I was still single!

The newer Match.com had a charge for everything. I paid for a six-month plan. I did not opt-in on the other fee driven services such as calls through the app, my profile receiving heavy rotation through the “visibility boost” option or attending the in-person events. There was a match guarantee where they would extend my membership at no additional cost. The stipulation was they needed to see me make the effort by looking through my recommended list of daily matches.

The age range I was vying for was the 40–55- year-old men. It surprised me to see some of them still wanted children. I wasn’t interested in the prospect of having a geriatric pregnancy and undergoing the near-death experience of having a baby… just to have a man.

The problem with the daily matches was… okay, for instance, this guy matched with me 85%, but he listed that he only wanted to date a white or Hispanic woman. How is that a match? The 85% means nothing if he clearly stated specific races. This was a common issue with my matches.

If you’re a black woman, not biracial, not slim or super fit, finding a true match on Match.com is like finding a senior citizen at a rap concert.

Match gives people the chance to map out the person they are most attracted to. Since I wasn’t a slim goddess, I was getting less consideration. This last time I used Match was a different experience. Unlike the past, my message box wasn’t flooded with messages from guys, whether I found the men repulsive or not. I was 25 pounds heavier, so I had to check the box for “average” body shape, which severely lowered my match possibilities.

Despite the self-deprecating remarks, I’m actually pretty hot.

I rejoined Match looking for something real. I didn’t have a preference when choosing a race or Nationality to date. I kept my appearance standards for the men as open as possible; I trusted my gut and tried to have fun. After two months, I did not have a date or a genuine online connection. I carried on conversations through online texts, we agreed to meet, and I was then “ghosted” before we finalized plans. I concluded people don’t ghost people they really like, so I moved on. I did eventually get out on dates.

I received two invitations for a date on the same weekend. Communicating through the messaging part of the app, I agreed to meet one on Saturday evening at a restaurant and the other on Sunday night at a restaurant. Saturday, noon rolled around, so I reached out to my date for Saturday night, just to confirm our meeting. An hour later, he let me know he had to cancel. Work issues. I told him just reach out when he’s available. I spent hours doing my hair, and I went to the nail salon for a polish change, so yeah, I was disappointed. The Sunday night guy let me know he was looking forward to meeting me, and I was excited to see him too. When we met in person, he wasn’t as relaxed as he was when we were just texting. He was socially awkward, and I didn’t feel an attraction for him. At the end of the date, he asked for a kiss which made it more awkward. I couldn’t do it, so I pulled the ole “I don’t kiss on the first date”. I don’t think he bought it. He didn’t call me again.

The guy who canceled the Saturday date reached out to me a month later. Not a day, or a week, but a month. I know I should have blown him off, but I wasn’t doing anything, so I met up with him at a sports bar. He looked better online, but in person, he reminded me of Timothy Hutton. There was no attraction there. Afterward, he offered to walk me to my car. I had to do the look away casually to avoid him trying to create a moment to kiss me. I guess he wanted something for the two drinks, hot wings and fries he paid for. He didn’t attempt to contact me again.

When I read some of the profiles of what the men were looking for physically and racially, I understood why I couldn’t find a match. The Match members in the Philly and New Jersey area rarely preferred a black woman. This is not any fault of Match.com, but I believe it would be best to find a dating site that specifies that the users want to date black women, like in the name of the service. They are out there, but I can’t state to the quality. Personally, I’m done with Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, Zoosk, eHarmony, POF, etc. I believe all races are beautiful, but not everyone shares that sentiment.

Through the years, I had better experiences dating offline. I was surprised people I already knew were interested in me. They spoke up, and we had a good run. Unfortunately, one was successful with a wandering eye, one was faithful with no ambition and one blamed his failures on everybody but himself.

It’s instilled in women to not want to be alone. My mother told me a few years ago that she worries about me not finding someone. I laughed a little because it’s not really a tragedy and I’m not afraid of being alone.