Dating : A Tour for Men on Tinder Who are “New in Town”

Show you around? Can’t wait! But first, find me on Venmo.

Hi! You’re likely reading this because you matched with me on a dating app and specifically didn’t exude Dateline vibes. So before moving forward, I wanted to address the part of your profile that said, “I’m new in town, show me around!” Maybe you just moved to the city, or maybe you’re here a few nights for work? Either way, you are requesting a tourism service that I have no obligation to provide. I have a full-time job, and my first dates are generally plotted last minute on evenings where I still care about my longterm happiness after a day of labor. Because of this situation, and because we both have simple desires (me, to effortlessly find everlasting love, and you, to take in the sights), I have a great option for everyone involved!

For just $295, I will, in fact, show you around town! My tour will take you to some of the greatest places the city has to offer, with the added bonus of signature first-date banter and getting-to-know-you Q&A. At the very least, there will be plenty of attractions, and at the very most, a decent amount of mutual attraction. (VIP attractions will be available to those who do not violate the tour’s undisclosed terms and conditions.)

Here’s a sample itinerary:

Any Day

After we both swipe right, send the times you are available to be “shown around.” Once we agree on a day, please Venmo me the set amount with the caption: “DTF(ind out more about this city)!”

Weekday, 7PM

After I get home from work and make myself presentable, I will drink two (2) glasses of wine before meeting up with you. This is just my way to take the edge off still routinely dating in my mid-thirties, while running a tour-guide hustle on the side.

First Attraction, 8PM

From wherever your hotel or new apartment is, you’ll get to see unique parts of the city while traveling to the first destination in your Lyft. Take it all in! There will be iconic buildings on your left and right, and you’ll be traveling down some of the town’s most noteworthy and necessary streets! Be sure to ask your driver what that is over there!

Second Attraction, 8:30PM

You’ll meet me at a dimly lit, quintessential café where everybody knows your name! Well, my name. I come here often and it’s etched into the unisex bathroom wall. I’ll be a few minutes late— just so you can get acquainted with the surroundings and not so I can make a grand, slow-motion entrance. I’ll be ordering a dirty martini (one of the best in the city — write that down!), and I’ll show you exactly where (I believe) a famous actor once sat. I’ll provide insider commentary and a brief history of the neighborhood, as I know it to be true. Plus, I’ll show you some of the most remarkable spots in town as we flip through many of my severely under-liked Instagrams. (Please actually go back and “like” those photos when the tour is over.)

Third Attraction, 9:30PM

If things are going well, we’ll start the walking part of the tour. On this brief journey to the next bar, I will point out exactly one (1) landmark, in addition to gesturing towards a mediocre Italian place you should avoid. Wow, are you on a date with Rick Steves? Sure feels like it.

Fourth Attraction, 9:35PM

This place is best known for being my second favorite first-date bar. It boasts some of the city’s most subjectively interesting architecture and has kept some of my credit cards safe for days on end. Here, you’ll get a feel for what life is really like around these parts — just like you requested! I’ll show you how to ask the hot bartender to make the best vodka gimlet even though he never texted you back, and I’ll cautiously point out the bathroom stall where I witnessed three different generations of iPhones go to die. You’ll meet local “celebrities,” eat “famous” french fries, and you’ll hear some of the wildest dating stories ever experienced in this particular bar by one particular person. I will also show you fun texts from my married friends questioning my life choices!

Decision Hour

After we pour out of the bar, I will either send you on your way so I can go home and blow your $295 tour fee on Amazon and UberEats, or, less likely, advance you to the next round.

VIP Attraction, 11PM-ish

Select men who are still on the tour at this point may receive VIP entry into My Studio Apartment. This hidden speakeasy in the heart of the city is ranked number one on Yelp for Best Glass of Trader Joe’s Wine. On top of requiring a super-secret code to get in, the hot spot possesses a doorman you shouldn’t make eye contact with, a DJ who only plays emo songs you hear on car commercials, and artifacts some have described as “bananas you should’ve thrown away weeks ago.” If you are invited inside, I will refund your entire base payment to avoid dabbling in prostitution, and we’ll discuss whether or not this was adorably scammy or necessarily entrepreneurial while we fall in love amidst the intoxicating aroma of T.J. Maxx candles.

Can’t wait to show you around, cutie!