h2>Dating : An Ex-Codependent’s New Theory of Relationships
As a former codependent, my desire for a relationship was, at its core, all about finding someone to prevent me from ever feeling lonely again.
I was looking for someone to call mine and someone to call me theirs, and I made some unhealthy decisions to make this happen.
It wasn’t until I was cheated on and my marriage fell apart that I saw my codependent tendencies for what they were.
All the previous constructs I had about relationships were blown to smithereens and slowly, I’ve been putting them back together in a way that better serves me.
Here’s what I’ve got so far.
My new theory of relationships is based on three new foundations:
- Nobody can do your work but you.
- Nobody belongs to anybody. Ever.
- Nobody knows what they are doing. We are all just blind people walking each other home.
Nobody can do your work but you.
It’s your job and your job alone to manage your emotions and heal your trauma. Other people can (and should) help you do your inner work, but the responsibility of taking care of yourself is ultimately 100% yours.
This means no more playing the victim or blaming your partner when you get triggered. Your trigger is yours, so you’ve got to learn how to self-regulate.
But also be kind to yourself with this. You’re going to make mistakes as you practice cutting through a lifetime of bad relational habits. You’ll never be perfect. Just keep focusing on taking 100% responsibility for your own emotions and the rest will fall into place with experience.
Nobody belongs to anybody. Ever.
Years ago I remember hearing someone say how she loved her husband so much that if she realized another woman genuinely made him happier than she could, she would set him free to be with her.
My codependent nervous system immediately flared up and I all but screamed, “Noooooo!”
Of course it did, though. In my codependence, all I really wanted was to never feel lonely again, so imagining setting my husband free to be his happiest self without me triggered the very loneliness I was trying to use him to cover up. I needed him to always be mine and belong to me so I wouldn’t have to feel that kind of loneliness ever again.
I treated my partner like property. But people aren’t property. People are people, and true love is wishing ultimate happiness upon those you care about, even if that means it isn’t with you.
If it is with you, then great, you’ve got a match and relish in that. The best relationships are the ones where people are naturally happiest with each other and aren’t always trying to get the other to change.
If this isn’t the case, you must set your partner and yourself free, because they never belonged to you in the first place.
Nobody knows what they are doing. We are all just blind people walking each other home.
People will take you as far as they can go and you will take those people as far as you can go. Sometimes this is a really far distance for a really long time and sometimes this is only a short sprint together.
But eventually, there comes a point where you must let them go and they must let you go because it is time for the next leg.
Maybe “letting go” looks like ending the relationship or maybe “letting go” means ending the old relationship and starting a new relationship together, but there is always a point where you must accept you both have gone as far as you can go within the container of your current relationship, and you must let this container die to make room for the next leg.
This is a sad time, but take heart — it is a promise that good things are coming to help you on your next leg of life.
Even though my theory of relationships has changed, my physical nervous system takes awhile to catch up. I still get anxious and have to check myself on how desperately I attach to people to avoid feeling lonely.
The very first thing I do when I am feeling anxious is consciously remind myself that this work is my responsibility and nobody could do it for me even if they wanted to.
The second thing I do is imagine setting my crush or my partner free to be happy even if it is without me. When I shift the focus from avoiding my loneliness at all costs to wanting them being happy, a tranquil peacefulness fills my heart even if it still hurts to imagine.
Lastly, I say aloud, “Okay, Loneliness. I am here. You may catch up to me now.”
And then I let it.
I let it visit my body and I hold it in my arms and my belly. Sometimes I imagine holding my little kid self, stroking her hair and gently whispering, “Oh, I know, sweetie. It hurts to be alone. I know. But I’m here now. You’ll always have me.”
These moments always leave me more tender and in touch with myself than I was before, and even though it can be intense to feel the weight of my loneliness, eventually I tap in to a place within myself that doesn’t feel lonely, per se, merely alone — and one — with all that is.
Completely deconstructing the way I view relationships and doing the hard work of re-organizing my codependent nervous system has definitely come with it’s fair share of pain and turmoil. But in the end, it has made me stronger, wiser, and more loving.
I think it can do the same for you, too.
