Dating : Are Thriving Relationships a Lost Art?

What people call “true love” is really just the glue that holds the best of friendships together naturally. I have never second guess being vulnerable, participating, or sharing with my best friends. Having hard talks. Participating in fun adventures. Pulling the load more or less.

Whatever, it’s all good with best friends and if it isn’t, I’ll say something.

The problem is, when you fall in love, you aren’t aware of what will hold your relationship together because you haven’t built the trust and friendship to overcome the four horsemen of breakups, divorce, and broken hearts.

This is true compatibility — knowing you can handle adversity together — with humor, positive interactions, participation, self-aware communication, and the willingness to be vulnerable and communicate your feelings in a way that allows for growth, apologies, and safety.

It’s common sense to me that dialogue and vulnerability are key thriving interactions where understanding happens.

“I feel happy when we…”

“I love you but I don’t understand why…”

“I miss you, remember when…”

These are statements I’ve never said by the way, which is why I’m single.

Lol.

But want to be in a place where I can just say what I need to say without wondering if that will lose trust, or start resentment, or build walls rather than bridges.

But this is also why the “true love” concept is bullhonkey-blasphemy.

We learned or concept of “true love” from the movies, but what the hell Hollywood?

Thriving monogamy is giving the person the space they need to mess up, be their best self, and also tell their best friend exactly how they feel without fear of being resented, or finding contempt, or copious amounts of defensiveness and sarcasm.

My friends at Love University call this dialogue.

We all mess up, but does our partner allow that in a safe space?

I’m weird when it comes to partners.

I want to laugh through suffering. I want to find a way to giggle and cry in the same argument. I want to be self-aware enough to know when I’ve crossed a line and truly apologize and mean it.

I want to stay present but always talk about the vision of an independent and partnered future.

Who are you wanting to become?

Where are you wanting to travel?

What new dreams are you feeling in your soul?

What fuels your vision?

The future is where we are headed as individuals, but rarely do the couples I know talk about their change or envision their change going forward. They sit on them like delicate eggs, yet change is the one thing we know will happen.

Change is the one constant.

Will you change together or will you grow further apart?

Will your values stop aligning or will you find ways to shift so you can stay compatible?

But to be honest, before I go into a love diatribe, I’m single so maybe, I’m not the best thought leader to speak on love and stable relationships. In that case, I oblige you the honor of not giving a sh*t with all the words and thoughts I type.

I mean, you are in my head, reading my thoughts, but my thoughts and beliefs change.

I just want to keep you abreast, because that’s why friends do, right?

True love isn’t feeling, it’s science in action. It’s brain chemistry, it’s the art of self-awareness, participation, and vulnerability at work — which is why I’m single.

I’m selfish at times. I’m self-absorbed. I keep chasing MY DREAMS!

MY DREAMS are more important than the investment of true love?

Okay, maybe not, but for now, they are.

Gottman says that the number of positive interactions between partners matters the most to thriving relationships. He says a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative is key:

John Gottman, who has studied relationships and marriage for 42 years, found in a six-year study of newlyweds that those who were still married responded to each other 86% of the time, while those that got divorced only turned towards each other’s bids 33% of the time.

This micro-moment Gottman says, like the cuddling of toes or touching pinkies during a “Friends” episode, or sipping wine and giggling about the old neighbor whom you call ‘Gray Head’ that doesn’t smile when you say hello, or f#ck who knows, all those little things that seem to come so easily to people in thriving relationships. I used to think this was the end-all-be-all for what I needed…

but really the proof in the pudding is just how often and how well couples interact through good times and bad times.