Dating : Cassie

“It’s forever, and I hate it.” She took a drag on her cigarette, the smoke from her lips almost indistinguishable from the vapours of my breath that were simultaneously reaching up into the Winter air. Her fingers pointing out toward the ocean, the sky above it, grey and overcast, was reflected in the water below, creating a horizon that carried on and on. There were no ships to break apart the void, no landmarks in the distance.

“Forever can be good, better than the opposite.” I shrug as I take the cigarette from her fingers and take a drag myself, sometimes I don’t know what I’m talking about. “It could all be too short, you could be at the middle of your life right now and not even know it. And being in the middle could even be considered lucky. I catch a glimpse at my watch as I inhale once more. “Shit, I’ve got to go.” I hand back the cigarette and am met with a questioning look. “Time to go home.”

“Do you want me to come round?” She says with a smile on her face and a cigerette between her fingers.

“Fuck no.” I say. We laugh, even though it’s a running joke, she doesn’t know that I’m being serious. “Sit here, enjoy forever while it’s available to you.” She nods and continues to look out at the horizon as I make my way home. It’s been about three years anyone has been around to my house. I stand up, and zip up my coat as I start to make my way. It doesn’t take long, but longer than it should as I keep stopping to make sure that she isn’t following me. I get to the front door with my keys already in hand, I place the key into the lock and wait a second, just a second, but as long as I can make that second last while I exhale. I turn the key, and I’m home.

“Mum?” I hear from a voice in the living room, all the lights are off, he hasn’t moved.

“No.” I reply. Sometimes I say yes, making things easier for her, but they don’t make them easier for me. I sit in the living room, turning on the relevant lights as I make my way through. As I sit down, I look into her eyes, today is a day where she has no clue who I am. Don’t get me wrong, some days there’s a familiarity, like seeing an old school friend in town, but there’s never full recognition. I sometimes wonder when she thinks she is. Does she think that she’s a kid, a teenager, or maybe the concept of age is now abstract. Regardless, I’m pretty sure she has no idea that she has a daughter. I look at the floor and reach down for the glass of squash. “Here you go.” I say as I pass it to her.

“Thank you.” She says, taking a gulp. She then tries to speak but the fluids pour out of her mouth. She sometimes forgets the second part of drinking is to swallow, it’s my fault really, I should have put a towel down. Now that her mouth is empty, she speaks again. “Who are you, do you know my mum?” Her eyes wide as she waits for an answer.

“No, I’m your friend, I’m Cassie.” It’s easier to lie. If I tell her she has a daughter that will be the next hour or so, I take the glass from her hand and place it on the floor.

“Hello Cassie. I like that name.”

“Thank you, Alannah, my mum liked it too. You’re all wet, shall we change your top.” She nods, as if she knows that she can no longer do it. I walk into her room and grab a random shirt and make my way back. She’s not there. Fuck. I run around the house to look for her, luckily it only takes a few seconds to see that she’s in her room, having followed me in. I must have not seen her. I smile at her to let her know that she’s not in trouble. She smiles back, happy to see someone happy. I change her top and help her back to the living room, and that’s where we sit for the rest of the night, just watching television. Yeah, I’m lonely, but I’ve left it too long now. When this all started, I kept it to myself, not through embarrassment or anything like that. I think it was more just an inability to articulate what I was going through. Anyhow, after leaving it for too long it has been far too long. I can leave her for a couple of hours before I start to worry. I look up and she’s watching me, smiling as I’m absent-mindedly dancing while sat on the sofa. I get up and hand her the glass of drink, this time it’s a success and she drinks it with no problems. I place the glass back on the floor and go back to my seat. So, no-one knows, and I sit here alone. Of course I’m not alone, I’m here with my mum, but she’s not here with me, so yeah, I’m on my own in a room of two people. It’s fine though, I’m not really too sad, this thing is hereditary, in less than thirty years I won’t remember a thing. But I do hate it.