Dating : M35, single all my life, am I alone?
Hey,
I’m a good-looking Male 35 who have been single my entire life. Partly because I always had little interest in relationships and mainly because I’m deeply involved in my hobbies. When I was 30 I found out that I have high-functioning autism which explains why I always had difficulties with social interactions, cues and empathy.
I’m mostly unable to connect with other people on a deeper level. But I can connect deeply with my hobbies: art, music and writing. And I love dogs.
I have been dating but never clicked with anyone. I have also improved socially. But at this point in life, as you get older, I also get lazier dating and I have become comfortable with being alone and with my self.
Sure, I have missed out on love, relationships and sex. But I also have a deep connection with my hobbies.
Just sharing my 2 cents. Anyone who can relate?
I noticed you mentioned a love of dogs. If you have one, or plan to get one, I’d suggest going to a local dog park. It’s a great place to meet people.
Best part is, if the interaction gets awkward, you can just walk away. But seriously, it’s a great way to meet people, because most women are at ease around animals.
You made it as far as I’m concerned. You’re ok with being alone which is important to being able to share yourself with another.
You’re a wizard
Aww geez,
>I’m a good-looking Male 35 who have been single my entire life. Partly because I always had little interest in relationships and mainly because I’m deeply involved in my hobbies.
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>I’m mostly unable to connect with other people on a deeper level. But I can connect deeply with my hobbies: art, music and writing.
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>I have been dating but never clicked with anyone.
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>comfortable with being alone and with my self.
Just swap the gender, take off eight years and that is me LOL
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Seriously though, most people just suck; you aren’t missing much TBH
I’m in my mid 40s, and I’m in the same boat. Most of my free time is spent on taking care of family members or doing chores. I literally do not have any free time to go out and socialize/meet people. Online dating is the only avenue available for me at the moment, and I literally have not gotten a date in over 10 years of « activity ». I definitely feel better when developing myself (professionally and intellectually) because the benefits/improvements are immediate and tangible.
I’m going to keep developing myself socially in hopes that I’ll be « ready » to interact if/when an opportunity comes up, but I won’t bet the farm on it.
Don’t give up, but don’t expect to « win » in the end either.
There are most people who are together who aren’t in love. They are just afraid to be alone. They settled. There are very few people who are in love. They are dependent on the other person. It’s like a drug addiction. It’s not love. Look at Facebook.
Doesn’t have to be over. People find their second love or even the first love of their lives in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s.
IMO if you want something you have to put work into it though. We work at everything else we want in life, but for some reason there’s this attitude that you’re just supposed to luck into a relationship without actually being actively social. « Work on yourself and someone will magically find you ». That’s bullshit IMO. You can be the best catch in the world but no one is going to know it if you aren’t out there showing it to people. Especially as a man, the gender that’s typically expected to initiate.
I’m newly single at 35. Just a few months now. I’m dating a ton, mostly OLD. But the best connections I’ve made so far are the women I’ve met by joining groups with similar hobbies. Meetup.com and Facebook have been the best place to find these. But also just Google.
If you’ve already got hobbies you love, simply try to do them with other people. You might meet someone you like.
I’m in my late 30’s and have been single for over 10 years now… I can definitely relate to what you are saying as I am very similar. At this point in the game, I don’t look at it as a problem to be single and am happy that I can survive this way. The only thing that gets annoying is friends telling you they want to see you « happy »… AKA in a relationship.
Are you saying that you are happy being single or no?
Do what makes you happy – if you want a girlfriend, then try harder to find one; otherwise kudos to you for finding happiness in your hobbies!
No man you’re doing good! You’re happy and that’s what matters.
It took me 30 to finally get my first true girlfriend, and 5 years is nothing. Hell I spent 10 at a job I hated.
Can some what relate, you are in a very good position since you are not co-dependent on another human for your happiness.
Finding the right person, and dating, is work in my opinion. As a person whose hobbies are very important to them, I remember there was a point in my life where I wanted to make my social life/friends more of a priority. I’m work and project oriented, so I decided to treat expanding my social life like a hobby, or a new project. Having that mindset helped me feel I was working towards an achievable goal (have achieved it since).
Maybe that would help you as well? If you really want to find someone, you could treat dating like you’re picking up a new hobby. Food for thought!
You should see all the maturing ages on dating apps. Lots of more-than-decent women (given them all the benefit of the doubt since they do get to choose their highlights) and in bountiful amounts. If all these “10s”, I’ll just call them, can be publicly looking for an SO, and at their ages, well, let’s all just take a load off. We’re in this together and going nowhere fast being so worried.
I’m 35 too and basically relationship-less all my life with my own share of detours I prefer to keep close to the vest. And maybe only in this very moment, with extra help from your post and these comments, am accepting myself along with a very soft opening for romantic companionship. I get along with everyone and so far that’s still been plenty of companionship for me.
If you have no problem being alone, then the onus is on the other person to flag you down and offer themselves as an equal or happier choice for you.
The thing with relationships is those things take time and effort. If you truly want to be in one then you’ll have to dedicate that extra energy and effort towards it. Unfortunately, love isn’t like the movies; which, I’m sure you already know. It takes work, and you can’t sustain a relationship off of just pure emotions. Good luck OP!
You need to ask yourself do you really want to date? Is dating something you desire to do or something that you want only because it would help how people view you?
Autism is tough in dating. I have a cousin that is very high functioning and just doesn’t really want to date. In dating you do all the things that people with autism tend to hate. Looking into each other’s eyes, touching each other, being social with each other.
If you do there’s a lot of things you will have to learn to deal with. It’s hard because with autism, especially high functioning, there’s always that balance. To have a good life you need to be sociable, too much social interaction and depending on the level you may have a breakdown. Same thing with dating. Looking into someones eyes may be hard, but if you do like that person it would be a good way to show them how much you like them, do it too much though and it makes you uncomfortable. It’s all a balance.
I am 28, F, only had a boyfriend for very short time, long time relationship. I realised I was not taking care of enough neither go out enough to meet new peoplr. I think that if you are a man your problem could be solved by having a good and stable job. Having a place etc. Girls are looking for men who can protect them and they be sure
32F Ive been alone for a good while now. Dating annoys me, and I find the thought of living with someone annoying. I would ultimately like to be with someone when I get a bit older, my prettiness will start to expire at some point lol, but as the years go by I feel that I become more and more accustomed to being with myself. That has been worrying me lately, because I feel it will make me less capable of enjoying one the longer I go… So I can relate…
Single people have it made and they don’t even know it. I’m twice divorced and let me tell you, being single is the best thing in the world. If you need companionship, Just get a dog and a cat, and you will have companionship for life.
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Dating and marriage is way over rated.
Are you asexual? Because you do sound asexual. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just curious.
These people saying it’s over made me laugh. What a depressing outlook. You likely aren’t even halfway through your life. Even if you started dating at 15, you’re only 20 years in with probably 40 years of life to live. I know a handful of men who didn’t get married until nearly 40 after meeting their spouse in late 30s. And they’re actually happier in their marriage than many who married in their 20s. So, don’t give up.
I’m a woman, nearly 40, and I’ve never had the opportunity (or maybe I have) to connect in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I have worked with a few who say they are, and while very literal, both are married and their wives seem to understand them. I am also close to a woman who is married to a man on the spectrum. She jokes about his approach but understands him and she says he is perfectly solid for her and she can pretty much predict his reaction to everything. I think if I were to date someone on the spectrum, understanding how to communicate would be my learning curve. My dad is fairly stoic and not much of an emoter, but he shows affection through loyalty, consistently being there, and being encouraging and helping with stuff. There are lots of ways to love, and the right woman will.understand how you show love.
I agree with those who said you have a head start by being OK being alone.
I like the advice to connect with someone with shared hobbies, or a shared love of dogs. And be open about how you struggle with empathy, social cues and even your interactions. It sounds like you know yourself well, and trust me, many men (and women) don’t. Maybe you have a vision of what you would like a shared future to look like, try to find a way to communicate that vision. And if you have connected with someone on a deeper level, how did that happen? You might have to take the lead to explain how to connect with you if it is different, but be patient and she will likely be patient with you.
For social cues: pretty much avoid valuing a woman by her looks and you are ahead of the game. 😉 And if you lead with statistics over feelings, try to remind yourself to say that you know you aren’t accounting for feelings, even if you can’t connect with them. And then try to logically understand the things she feels. I don’t always understand how someone feels, either. But I try to get it logically when I don’t.
I hope that helps. You sound kind and like a good catch! There are many someones out there who will feel lucky to find you!
You should make an effort in a new way. Find a girl and make her your hobby. I know it sounds odd, but it would make for one hell of an experiment and an adventure for you personally. If you talk to a girl in any way keep talking until she cuts off the conversation. If that conversation flows well, consider that a match. Then make her your hobby. Try to woo her. Try to get her affection. Let me know if that makes sense and if it does try it. I want to hear about how it goes for you. Think about it, if your good at hobbies and girls really like attentive males, it should actually work. Who knows you might actually not be single in you 40s and for the rest of your life. Life is more fun and fulfilling with a partner to share it with, so why can’t it be for you too?
I’m 32 and pretty much like you, except I decided to get married this year.
If you’re happy, keep at it. If your hobbies keep you happy, then stay happy and single.
Only marry if you’re gonna put your whole life into it. It’s a lot of work.
If you don’t have it, practise it. Someone out there will appreciate you and be on your wavelength.
I speak from experience.
Same here but slightly younger. Idk what it is but it does feel hopeless most of the time even with people validating you.
Describe good looking.
If you’re doing what makes you happy then you’re fine.
If other people are making you question what makes you happy then they’re probably not happy with their own lives.
From the other side of the coin, I’ve been married and divorced 2x, and I have two grown children. I’m looking forward to my « me » time now that my younger child is in college.
Again, if you’re happy doing what you’re doing that’s all that matters.
I probably have high functioning autism as well, but I’ve never had a diagnosis – yet I have all the traits for it.
I’ve been dating since my 20s, a few turned into relationships but all just didn’t work, mostly because I couldn’t do the ‘normal’ stuff, like empathise, sympathise and would often miss things that weren’t totally obvious or spelled out.
I’m in a relationship now but it’s… not exactly great. If it were to end, I think I’d end up much like how you describe yourself.
But to be honest, I think I’d be happier that way. Sure, I might get lonely some days but compared to all the social pressures and such that a relationship can bring, I think I’m just too old to keep trying to put a square peg into a round hole to try and ‘fit in’ or ‘be normal’ or whatever other cliché you’d like to use.
So yeah, I can definitely relate – I’m 40 and am mostly happy with my own company – I think I’d need a few more hobbies though as I only really have the odd videogame and keep-fit.
I (32m) can relate. I’m not a good looking man nor do I have a form of autism, but I’ve also never had that connection, I’m really social but I’ve only once met a girl that really got me but she wasn’t attracted to me physically.
I seriously doubt that I’ll find another girl that gets me let alone her wanting to be with me romantically. Am not at peace with that though…
After about 30 dates with about 26 different women I’ve kind of given up on dating.
No you’re not OP. I live in a country where people still have no idea how dating works, and despite being not the most attractive guy I’ve gone out with quite a few women and gotten lucky somehow. I still enjoy my hobbies and the time I spend with my dogs more than most of those dates. Relax, if you find the right person, everything will fall into place. If not, it’s no big deal. If you can’t enjoy your own company, there’s no point searching for anybody else to fill that void.
You are alone, but that’s okay because you are content with being alone. A lot of people struggle with this because they become co-dependent on a significant other in a relationship. You don’t need someone to make you happy, they should instead compliment you. You enjoy and love your hobbies, you might possibly meet someone through common interests if you put yourself out there a little bit, when you are ready. Be open about who you are, and how you communicate. There is someone for everyone. Good luck.
I’m 27 and also have high functioning autism and also have never been in a relationship. I’m trying online dating but I fear that I am at the point where the fact that I have never been in a relationship will actually come off as creepy to women. Even if i don’t mention it, it will become obvious I have no experience if by chance i do reach a point with a woman of starting a relationship.