Dating : Craving for Pork Chops Proves Deadly for Local Men

SATIRE

A tale of a sadly flawed plan

Three local Mowata, Louisiana men: Alphonse (“Big Johnson”) Boudreaux, Clovis (“Gator-Bits”) Comeaux and Thibaut (“T-Boy”) Thibodeaux, were tragically killed in the early morning of Monday, February 3rd after Alphonse’s 2001 Ford F-150 pickup rolled over on Acadia Parish Road 666. A craving for Cajun Spiced Pork Chops (see the link for recipe) and a considerable amount of alcohol were contributing factors to the tragic accident.

Acadia Parish Sheriff Emeril Delahoussaye reported that “we found several beer cans and bottles in the truck and around the scene plus a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Alphonse, the owner and driver of the truck, had a blood alcohol content that was more than twice the legal limit. I suspect the other two would have a similar level but we can’t afford to test dead passengers on our limited budget from the state.”

According to eye-witnesses, the events unfolded as follows.

The three men spent most of the day on Super Bowl Sunday (which, ironically, was also Ground Hog Day) drinking in the Mud Bug Bar. Barmaid Magnolia (“Maggie”) Melancon confirms their heavy alcohol consumption. According to Ms. Melancon “all three of them stupid fuckers got drunk as skunks”. Plus, she added, “they couldn’t keep their grubby paws off of me”.

According to Ms. Melancon and several bar patrons, Alphonse, when reminded that it was Ground Hog Day, suddenly got a craving for Cajun Spiced Pork Chops. Ms. Melancon said that he kept asking her if she could cook him up some. He was upset when she told him that the best she could do was get him a bag of pork rinds out of the vending machine.

The suggestion of pork chops got Gator-Bits (so nicknamed because he lost two fingers to a Gator as a kid) and T-Boy craving pork chops as well. (While not related to the tragic events that followed, Magnolia also confessed that the bar rumors that she and Alphonse were occasional fuck buddies were true. And her eyes glazed over as she confirmed that Alphonese’s nickname of “Big Johnson” was very well deserved.)

Shortly after midnight, the three drunk Cajuns left the bar to drive to a pig farm about 15 miles away intent on stealing a hog, taking it back to Alphonse’s farm, butchering it, and satisfying their craving for pork chops.

Alphonse scaled the fence and tied the end of a sturdy rope to a plump and docile sow. Clovis and Thibaut started pulling on the 450-pound sow and this pissed her off. The struggling hog and her panicked pen-mates were too much for the fence which collapsed loudly startling the other hogs which stampeded.

“I was sound asleep after having a lot of beers while watching the Super Bowl. My wife Eula Mae heard the noise and starting beating on me to wake up”, explained Joe (“Fat Boy”) Fontenot, the owner of the pig farm.

“I grabbed my double-barrel shotgun loaded with double-ought buckshot and went running out of the house in my drawers”, explained Mr. Fontenot. “Well, just as I leveled down on those thieving bastards, my drawers fell down around my ankles and I tripped just as I pulled the trigger. Blew a helluva hole in the mud but those assholes drove away with my sow. But, to tell you the truth, I was just glad that I didn’t shoot my dick off!“

While Joe was on his way out of his house, the friends got the stolen sow loaded and securely tied the rope to the bed of the truck and sped down the narrow, curvy country road at 90 miles per hour. Unfortunately, they forgot to buckle their seat belts. The hog, however, was securely strapped down by her leash rope.

About four miles down the road, the 450-pound hog began struggling and making a major commotion in the back of the pickup truck causing the vehicle to careen wildly. The three large Cajun men were lurching all over the cab and crashing into each other as extremely drunk Alphonse tried to keep the truck on the country road while traveling at a high rate of speed.

Eventually the inevitable happened as Alphonse hit a soft shoulder, missed a curve and rolled the truck over and over for about fifty feet ejecting all three men from the vehicle and killing them.

The hog, still securely tied into the back of the truck, thought the whole thing was a helluva fun ride. She was uninjured, just highly amused and hungry for breakfast.

The victims were discovered at 5:00 A.M. by a passing motorist who reported the accident to the Sheriff’s Office and told him to send someone to collect the bodies.

The motorist figured that the hog belonged to Joe Fontenot since he had the only hog farm close by, so he called Joe.

Joe immediately came to the scene, untied the hog, put her in his truck and took her back home in time for her breakfast with her pen-mates that had just been rounded up. The sow had a helluva story to tell her friends!

Sheriff Delahoussaye cautions motorist to drive sensibly, especially on parish roads, wear seat belts and refrain from drinking and driving. Also, to just drive sensibly to any one of the many fine restaurants in the area that serve Cajun Spiced Pork Chops should a pork chop craving hit.