Dating : Dating An Addict Will Change You Forever

Where do you draw the line?

10 months of lies, 10 months of questions, 10 months of not knowing the truth about the man I dated. It all changed the day after we broke up, when I found out the real truth about the man I’d invested the last 10 months in supporting and loving. Yet, I still love him and only want the best for him.

People say that 10 months isn’t long — fair, some people have braved relationships similar to this one that have lasted for years. But 10 months for me was enough to throw me off my feet, and it made me realize how important my own happiness is.

I met Jay in August 2018, he was a Tinder match. He was the epitome of the man I thought I would one day marry — honest, loyal, hard-working, responsible, good looking and he was taller than me (I’m quite tall so this was exciting). All of these traits seemed apparent in our conversations leading up to our first date. We got on like a house on fire the day we met. He was fun, funny, he intrigued me like no one else I’d met before.

Two weeks after we had met he admitted to having been a cocaine addict, but he had said that he had been clean for two years. I gave him a chance, I was someone new in his life and didn’t really know much about it but I thought that it would only be fair to start on a clean slate — everyone has a past but we can’t always hold it against them.

Things between us seemed good, he did the chasing. There were a few things that kept popping up that I would question, but brushed it off and thought I was perhaps overthinking things. He said he had a car when we started dating but it had gone for repairs, the end date for the completion of the repairs never seemed to arrive. He then told me that his parents had sold his car to the panelbeater — he wanted to get a car that was more road worthy. Yet, still no car or plans of getting a new car surfaced.

He spent a lot of time at my flat during my school’s holidays, he said he could work from my place as he didn’t have too many meetings lined up. Again, more red flags and the more I doubted my intuition but,

I chose to try and see the good in him.

Where he lived was another story. He initially told me it was a commune. He had slipped up, or I thought it was a slip up but perhaps it was his subtle way of sharing the truth with me, that there were other addicts living there too. I couldn’t visit him at the house — he told me that the land lady had had issues with a previous couple who had lived there before so no one was allowed visitors.

He was also always out of money. I loaned him money to get food for lunch, I loaned him my car — he would drop me off in the mornings at work and he would use my car for the day. Every day he asked for money for food… every day, I thought he was buying food. Another red flag was that he never had change or part of the money I had loaned him to give back to me.

He then said he wanted to try a different industry and an old family friend of his was opening up a restaurant. He said he was going to be the Operations Manager at the restaurant. Once the restaurant opened, he was working really busy hours. I knew he was going to work because I dropped him off at the restaurant on some days, he had clothing branded with the restaurants logo. He was dressed in the same clothing as the waiters, but would come home in the evenings with elaborate stories about what he was doing as a manager.

Four months into our relationship he moved in with me. He said he was ready to make the big move. Little did I know, he had been kicked out of the “commune”. I still had my doubts but he was at my home so often that I thought it would be okay.

At the end of December he arrived home and said that he hasn’t been paid by the restaurant for the last few weeks. The restaurant didn’t have answers for him. I sided with him, and told him that he should look elsewhere then and move on from a place that won’t support their staff.

From January to May I supported him; financially, emotionally, mentally until he had found a new job.

He was drinking a lot during those months, more so than his usual three beers a night. He would buy 3 1 litre beers from the bottle store every evening, with my money. He said he was stressed and alcohol calmed him down. Again, more red flags but he wasn’t aggressive with me, he wasn’t flying off the handle… so he’s definitely not an alcoholic… right?

In March he withdrew from all intimacy with me. He said that he was too stressed to have sex, that he would go and speak to someone about it. Again I thought this strange because normally when I’m stressed my sex drive is higher than normal.

In May he went to a job interview and was offered the job the next day. The package included a company vehicle. I thought this was great, things would get better between us and he would be able to provide some financial support around our home.

From May to June nothing really changed between us. He was on his phone a lot more — I asked and he said he was sorting out admin. He apologized and told me another long story about how he wasn’t coping with all of the admin he was expected to do in a Sales position.

I stood by him. My parents offered advice for where to find work, ways to approach companies he may be interested in working for. My whole family took him and supported him, and made him feel like he was a part of something — because, his parents were non-existent and never cared about him… that’s what I was continually told.

He was often hard on me about things. I’m independent and have an outgoing, positive view on life. When I would share stories with him about my day, he would say…

Just give me the highlight package. I don’t have all night to hear your stories about the girls you work with. I don’t care about them.

His continuous criticism and change in attitude toward became more unbearable by the day. I would get home from work some evenings and sit in my car for about an hour because I didn’t feel like facing him. I was canceling plans with friends because I would rather just sleep than hear him say anything about my money I was spending or end up fighting because I stayed out later than I had initially planned.

I came home from dinner with my best friend one Friday evening. Jay was at home. I was saying to my best friend at the dinner that I had had enough and that I needed to get out of this relationship. I know and understand that everyone goes through tough times but there needs to be some form of reciprocation and support to show your partner that you care.

On that Friday night, Jay went to his car to fetch something. His phone was lying on the kitchen counter. I had this burning urge to look through his WhatsApp messages. So I picked up his phone and locked myself in the bathroom. I opened up WhatsApp and there it was… the beginning of the end.

I found messages between Jay and several other women who he had been seeing. It broke me, I never expected it to be cheating. I never expected to be used like this. I thought I would find something about cocaine, something about drugs, anything but cheating.

All at once you broke my heart. All at once.

I quietly packed my bag, called my friend and asked if I could stay over for the night. As I walked out of the bedroom I looked at Jay with pure hate, anger, repulsion. There was a bitter taste in my mouth and my body was shaking from being so angry. I lost it.

All the times that I had communicated with him before when I was unsure about things, I was always level-headed, composed and mature. This night I couldn’t contain or control any of my emotions. I screamed, I swore, I told him to get out of my home by the next day and that he was no longer my problem. I wanted nothing to do with him. I left in a fit of rage and went over to my friends place. I felt numb when I arrived. No tears, no nothing. Just numb.

Betrayal never comes from your enemies.

The first thing Jay said to me when I told him to get out by the next day was: “Where am I supposed to go without money? I transferred my salary into your account.”

When I went to my home the next day, he had strategically left his journals there for me to read. I guess it was some way for him to just be brutally honest with me. It was then that I found out the real truth about the man I had been dating for the past 10 months. Jay is an alcoholic, alongside a drug addict. He lost several jobs because of theft and poor work performance. I never knew much at all about the man I had dated. Addiction is no easy feat for anyone, and it destroyed us.

I’ve learnt many lessons through all of this: trust your gut, don’t be scared to ask questions about things you feel uneasy about, to not be so forgiving of people, and not to wait… you shouldn’t have to wait for someone who won’t wait for you.

They were tough lessons to have to learn like this. I read a beautiful quote that really rang true to me and what it was that I really wanted in life from someone I wanted to share my life with:

Someone who loves you wouldn’t do things that make you feel like walking away.

Photo credit: Unsplash and Ellieelien