Dating : Do we Fear Love?

When being loved terrifies you

How many of us have little or no experience of what love is?

How many of us conflate love with suffering?

And how many of us have been conditioned to equate love with pain because we failed to bond with our primary caregiver as kids, or grew up in an abusive home?

In my household, motherly love was a reward rather than an asset I was born with; it was something I had to earn and deserve.

Nothing I did was ever good enough, no matter how hard I tried.

As a result, my mother expressed her disapproval frequently and violently.

Although the physical aspect is no longer part of her vocabulary, she’s still fluent in disapprobation. Most days, it is her only language, one she still uses to speak to me about everything and everyone.

Show her a silver lining and she’s show you a cloud.

My mother is a bottomless pit of discontent, something I took upon myself to try and reverse before admitting defeat. Although I strive to maintain a cordial relationship with her, I must find a balance between my mental health and daughterly duty.

Every time I go and see her, I realize it may never be possible. Plainly put, she still has the power to annihilate me so now I avoid her to protect myself, shocking as this may sound.

After losing five years of my life to major depressive disorder, there are risks I can no longer afford to take and my mother is one of them.