h2>Dating : Expectations are best served when we refrain from projecting ourselves on to others and instead…
When I read my Arredondo older sister’s text, we’ll call her LS, I was taken back to my previous self who lacked the vocabulary to express her inner workings or the agency to advocate for herself. I allowed my mind to be confused and be taken back through memory lane to times I’ve felt inadequate and incredibly misunderstood.
What did I do to be disrespectful? I seldomly behave in intentional ways to cause harm. I put so much effort in expressing myself verbally because I understand the world in many ways is not equipped to understand how I process information or unwilling to empathize.
I wrote a response and sent it to my fiancé, older sister NS, game night best friends, colleague bffs, and one of my University of Michigan closest friends.
This was the first message I intended to send:
“I think long gone are the days I censor my holistic being and feel ashamed. I do not think it is adequate or kind for me to be held accountable for the actions of both of my parents or for it to be inappropriate to share my experience. It is unfortunate and disheartening that my existence, which I had zero input/consent, hurts others. That I have been made aware from a very young age. Dad and his wife have never directly expressed disapproval of me and I hope they’d use their words to let me know if I’ve ever crossed a boundary as they both know I’m willing to actively listen, be receptive, be empathetic and care deeply for them.
From now on, I’ll keep writing and unpacking my experience but through an avenue those interested can access and read.”
I cried for an hour as I jumped from one conversation to the next because I felt hurt, confused, and the last thing I wanted was to respond defensively and disrespectful. I sought validation and objective feedback from the people I trust. I was told by some my response was adequate. Others suggested I not respond as the message sent from LS was more to do with her projecting her own insecurities and pain derived from our father’s betrayal than me sharing my neurodivergent experience.
I sat there for a moment… my tears dried and my heart rate dropped from the 130 bpms to the 80 bpms. After talking on the phone with my colleague BFF Sabina, she helped me understand that I’m no longer that 13 year old. I am a 36 year old who gets to advocate for herself and protect herself with boundaries. She reminded me that I get to choose the kind of relationships I have with my family. That’s no longer a choice only made by them.
I couldn’t just stay silent so I ended sending this instead:
“Being on the autism spectrum has caused many strains in my family and relationships because I am expected to see through nuances which can be particularly challenging to me. Sharing my personal history or unpacking my autism experience is not intended to cause any disrespect. I think it is best from now on I simply not share my personal journey on here (our family group text). If any of you are interested, you can check out my page on Medium or reach out to me personally. I will continue to embrace my vulnerability through writing because it not only aids me but it also gives a voice to those who have shared experiences. Love everyone and hope you’re all doing well!”
I was genuine and also firm in being the one to set a boundary and I gave my voice her place at our family’s virtual table.
I’m also learning I am allowed to hold my parents accountable for their actions while also understanding the reasoning behind their choices. I get to love them unconditionally and support them continuously like they have done with me my entire life.
My therapist reminded me my parents and I, the three of us, get to choose the kind of relationship they have with me. It feels empowering to no longer allow others to shame me.
