Dating : Eyes’ Tricks

Visions

When was a little kid, I saw visions often.

My brain would tell my eyes to see things, and there they would be. It was often when I was trying to fall asleep. I would see little things floating in front of my eyes as if they were on a carousel.

Sometimes it would be items that made sense together — toys: a rocking horse, a jack in the box, some marbles, a doll — floating in a rainbow arc and around in a circle.

Notice me, they would say. They would be there with my eyes open to the twilight coming in the window. They would be there when I shut my eyes- blue black with flashing yellow. They were real to me.

Sometimes, the visions would be unpleasant: ants in a pile or a wasps’ nest.

I knew they were not real, but I thought I could still play with them, no matter how much I wanted them to go away. I would squeeze my eyes tighter, shutting out any possible thing from attacking me through the slits of my eye lids, and there the floating visions remained.

Once, after waking up on the basement couch, I saw people, strange small monsters walking towards me. They kept coming and would never reach me, but they kept coming. They glowed green and purple and were three-dimensional. I may have been able to shake their hands — find out what they were really about, but they never quite reached me. They would just back up and then come towards me again.

I always wondered where these visions came from.

I asked my mom. She told me my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Looking back, I am pretty sure I was trying any means necessary to escape, take the edge off my anxiety, or evade reality.

I often tried to play games with my own mind and use my imagination to manifest a feeling. Sometimes during library time at school, I would try to feel dead. Just blank unknowing. Nothing.

I could alter dreams and have control over the outcomes. I could will myself into a flying dream (the best!) or into something I wanted to actually feel scared of.

I thought I had control over what happened. If I wished hard enough, something would happen. If I willed it, a bunch of wrapped presents would appear under my bed.

Or my dad would come home and play with me.