Dating : Friends Don’t Let Friends Have Jackhammer Sex: A How Not To

Don’t: Treat my vagina like a manhole.

Though dark, moist, and mysterious (and okay, it’s been visited by at least one construction worker), my vagina does not, I repeat, DOES NOT like to be plowed awkwardly and repetitively with the same amount of force as a pneumatic drill. There is nothing sexy or exhilarating about jackhammer sex, only an idea that someone is not fucking you, but an orifice that is attached to you. Call me old fashioned, but when I take my clothes off and enthusiastically consent to your dick inside of me, I’m thinking more along the lines of Nicole Kidman and Jude Law gettin’ jiggy with it on a Cold Mountain, not the fight scene from Transformers. I love a pulsing, vibrating piece of equipment as much as the next LaBeouf, but please, leave it to the machines.

Do: Take me to Pound Town when I do so please.

Let me be clear — there is a very big difference between jackhammering someone’s pussy to death and taking someone to Pound Town. Pound Town can be good; it can be very good. Hell, sometimes I’m the mayor of Pound Town on Foursquare. Hint: you will know when someone wants to be taken to Pound Town because they’re usually on all fours screaming at you to “fuck me, fuck me harder.” Note: subtlety does not help you get there. Although, be careful because Pound Town is just one wrong turn away from Village of Sobbing Girl With Bleeding Butthole.

Don’t: Exert all of your energy towards your own orgasm.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take necessary steps to ensure your own blissful climax, but when you’re head-cocked, butt clenched, eyes closed, drilling away, I can only assume that you couldn’t give less of a fuck about me gettin’ mine. Or I think that you are seizing on top of me — in which case, I feel the need to run and call for a doctor. Neither situation is particularly sexy. Sex should never be one-sided, especially when the other side is left to fend for themselves later that night, alone, over wine, with their trusted Hitachi.

Do: Work up a sweat together.

Do it while twisting and writhing and melding into another’s body. Licking the sweat off of your shoulder as I cum while digging my fingernails into your back is slightly different than, say, sweat dripping into my eyes from your hair as you clap your clavicle into mine — this peach bruises easily, bro. If you see that the person you’re banging is 87% less sweaty than you, you’re doing it wrong. So — whenever possible, try to encourage and facilitate your partner’s orgasm first. Chances are, the more effort you put into their crescendo, the more satisfying it will be when you blow a load onto their ass. Also, it’s just the polite thing to do.

Don’t: Assume that your dick is God.

Please do not assume that anything your penis does to me will automatically result in mind-blowing sex or orgasm (see above). I’ve seen God a few times while fucking, and if you want to make this atheist a believer, you need to treat my clit and pussy like the goddamn saint that she is.

Do: Ask your partner what they want.

If you ask your partner how they want to be fucked, I would bet you a billion late stage capitalist dollars that it wouldn’t include getting jackhammered. But hey, you don’t know until you ask, right? Sometimes your partner might need an extra finger or two (or four) to get things going down there. Maybe they want to be hog-tied and told they’re a bad, bad, bitch. Or maybe they just want to feel as though the person they’re fucking acknowledges them as an individual with feelings and desires all their own. So please, if you ever come across a lover of the jackhammering variety, refer them to this guide. Together, we can rid the world of jackhammer sex once and for all.