Dating : Half of My Heart

When we are faced with issues of the heart, everything can invert itself.

Something weird happened. Maybe not weird. Maybe…innocent? Well-intentioned? But to my brain, which at this point is just a small, charming rodent doing its best to pedal a penny-farthing, it felt weird. It’s about love. Okay, not love…Chemistry? Infatuation? Stupidity? I don’t know how to term it. I am writing this piece to share a little snippet of my life where every conversation with this individual was filled with misunderstandings but we spoke anyway…? How silly were we.

That smile. When our eyes met and he mouthed a ‘hi’ in the middle of a crowded bar, I made nothing of it. Thought to myself yep another cute boy and left the bar. Days later we got in touch and realised we were both from the same hometown… “FML” I thought to myself. “Why’d you get into this? Let’s end it before it starts.” But I was intrigued to know more about someone from the same hometown as me. I hadn’t lived in the city since years! What’s the worse that can happen?! So even though I wasn’t THAT interested I kept a light interest in my date anyway. And all of this was before we even met on our first date.

Wanna know how our first date went?! An ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISASTER. I came back home in tears. His questions about upbringing, kids, adoption, open-relationships, marriage, timelines and childhood were coming at me like a spinshot tennis ball machine, while I was holding a badminton racquet. After years of first dates that felt like job interviews but with cocktails, this first date was slapping me straight in the fanny. He saw everything in red and I, in blue. My date felt because I was ambitious and independent I would never make a devoted partner. Our opinions on everything were poles apart and he’d already stamped me as a less desirable partner. I felt dejected and helpless. I barely got to say anything during our first date.

A few weeks later I texted to see him again…why’d I do that? Did I just want to justify my opinions or values? Probably? Did I want closure in a better way? Absolutely. Did the fact that he knew exactly what he wanted intrigued me? Maybe in his own way he showed me how I should have my priorities straight and make me want to decide what fits MY bill? I’d say yeah. And to my surprise, he agreed to see me for the second time (yay me). After our second date I was sure I’d never see him again. Was I okay with it? Yep, the second date was a lot tamer and I made peace with the fact that we are not each other’s type.

Weeks passed and I didn’t hear from him and I wasn’t expecting it. …since we weren’t going to see each other, were we? He wanted a Gopi Bahu, and I wanted…what do I want? I am still finding that out. I decided to move on and lit up my 6.1 inches HD screen to find myself another Prince Charming. BUT he got in touch again and asked if we could meet. Why did he reach out? Was I charming enough even with my mouth shut…or was it because my mouth was shut? I shooed away these silly ideas and foolishly thought to myself, “Meh…he’s a friend now and, this is just a friendly drink”. Honey, I should’ve known better * smh *. We met and the date…was it a date? Was going well…he had more drinks than I did and his tongue was loose, and in the middle of a conversation he said, “Of course we like each other a little bit, that’s why we keep meeting.” My mental response to his statement was

After our first date I was sure there was no attraction from his end, since he had rejected me so ruthlessly. Then why did he say this? Why would anyone like an individual who doesn’t fit their list? Isn’t that what we all do? Look for an individual who fits the bill, who ticks most boxes on our list? Nothing about me was on his list. Were some of his characteristics on my list? Maybe…? Some of them? I don’t know. Why do we still fall for people who aren’t the best fit for us?

As always, my heart was split into two. One half wanted to be in full control of the situation and the other part wanted to let loose. But when have I listened to my heart ever? Its never gotten me any good. I’ve always fallen into trouble. God forbid I get into another situationship.My heart wasn’t ready for another heartbreak. Most people assume that heartbreaks usually happen due to an unfortunate ending of long-term relationships. Well in my romantic life, a heartbreak can be caused by a blue tick, a bad date or a ‘its not you, its me’ text. So was I ready to fall for this guy? No. And how could I? Will he ever have my back? Will he ever pacify my heart? Was he willing to go all in with a not-so-ideal romance? I wasn’t sure so I always maintained my distance. Should I have asked him? Asking him would’ve helped me get closure right? Then why didn’t I? Why don’t we ask the tough questions? We are so practical in our professional lives but when it comes to our romantic lives we swipe left on the tough questions without even giving it a second thought. We treat our feelings as pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto. Do we like complicating our romantic lives? Is having a troublesome romantic life like Blair and Chuck more desirable? Does it align better with our imaginary Bollywood SRK rom-com?

When we are faced with issues of the heart, everything can invert itself. Figure can become ground, and ground figure. Then, in your mind’s eye, what’s staring back at you as a figure — hauntingly, horrifyingly — is how agonizingly alone you are in all this.

Fantasies of reciprocity, though in most cases completely unrealistic, can nonetheless be irresistible. Not that your more logical mind doesn’t have its own force and won’t strive to push itself forward from the “ground” position it’s again been relegated to. But good sense and heartfelt sentiment remain clearly at war with one another.

And if reason does finally prevail, it’s only because, sooner or later, the harsh truth of your position is inescapable. At some point, you realize that your dreams have overtaken your reality, and it’s time to re-adapt to the real world.

Which you do … but oh-so-wistfully.