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Dating : Heart on my sleeve, head in the clouds

h2>Dating : Heart on my sleeve, head in the clouds

Riannan Rayne

January 16th.

I found the screenshot while scrolling through my immense amount of selfies, pictures of my dog and outfit photos. I thought I had erased all traces of us on my phone so that I would stop looking at your face and wondering where you had gone but alas, it caught my eye. There it was, a screenshot of a quote from Pinterest that I had saved on my phone on January 16th.

At that point we had been dating five months and some part of me, deep inside and buried by avoidance, already felt this way;

Five months in, after a whirlwind romance full of love letters, long phone calls, sweet kisses and sensual sleepovers, and my subconscious felt like you could not love me. Not only that you couldn’t love me but that you were tearing down my self confidence by being unable to make me feel like I was enough for you.

How could I have felt like this….when I also felt like you were my person. Half of my mind was filled with memories of my heart feeling like it was bursting when you walked through your bedroom door, laughing at how cute you looked when you won at something, listening to you quietly sing Taylor Swift with me when we drove, and the fervor your hands had for me that made me feel like you’d never want anyone else that much.

How could I have felt all of that…when I felt in my heart that I was being slowly dismantled by the back and forth.

I had gone into our relationship scared, terrified actually of getting my heartbroken again and unwilling to allow it to happen this time. I can’t pinpoint the moment exactly but I’m pretty sure that the it’s the moment I got annoyed that you hadn’t kissed me yet on our first date and leaned up to your lips as 80’s music blasted around us. In that moment, I swear I could hear nothing around me but I should have been aware of my heart moving swiftly from my chest to the lowest point of my sleeve, all yours to take.

I wasn’t always unaware of the danger though. There were many moments I began to feel the sweaty palmed, anxiety riddled panic caused by the communication issues. It felt like I spent a lot of my time trying to figure you out and oh I wanted to so desperately. I felt like both the luckiest girl in the world, to get to have these minuscule intimate moments with you that others didn’t get and also the unluckiest to have fallen so deeply for someone who was such a danger to my heart.

I spent weeks after, awake at night, the memories now playing on my mind’s projector reel on a constant loop. I spent weeks after wondering why I had stayed through it all, why had I abandoned all reason, leaving my rationality behind in the dust.

It was a constant triple feature in my mind for a few months actually. “Now playing: all the mistakes you made, all the things he said, and all the things you wish would happen”. I wanted to rip up my ticket and get a refund for the sleepless nights. I tore myself apart, why didn’t I change so many things, why had I done this or said that, I struggled between punishing myself for causing arguments and applauding myself for trying to be brave.

Honestly I felt like a failure. A broken, now sleeveless, hopeless romantic.

When I came across the screenshot tonight, I thought to myself; why do we wear our hearts on our sleeves for those that won’t protect them?

For me, my heart felt like it had always been like that. Forever placed on my sleeve, ready and excited to be taken away and held like a damn baby. Yet I kept giving it to those that didn’t seem to know how to hold onto it, they kept letting it fall onto the floor and shatter. I wondered if I was the only one and I also wondered how everyone else kept their hearts, emotions and feelings so hidden. I was unable to hide behind any emotional walls to whatever happened to me.

I am still torn between two things but it is no longer about anyone else but myself. I am torn between wishing I was less loving, less passionate, less sentimental to my previous loves and between being ridiculously proud to be so emotionally deep compared to my peers.

My heart is now mended, embroiderd onto the devotion I have for myself and my head is high above in the clouds of my exciting future.

That’s what I tell myself but let’s be real, my heart will forever on my sleeve, along with my head, waiting for that romantic comedy ending.

And that’s okay.

Read also  Dating : Parable by Shon Mehta

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Dating : Friend won’t take my advice, I’m getting annoyed.

POF : Bye Matey 😌