Dating : How I Finally Stopped Loving Him

The text came in like clockwork.

At this point, they’d become a tiring pattern. Each month I’d see the attempt to get back in communication. I’d either ignore it, move on, or give a quick response and keep it moving.

“Of course I still like him a little,” I’d say to myself.

And it was true: I did still like him. Somehow that idiot, when his name popped up on my phone, brought just a few butterflies back to my stomach.

This time, though, I couldn’t help myself. I slipped. I had enough. I told him I was tired of it. I didn’t understand why he was reaching out again and again. Hadn’t he gotten the message?

But it was his response that changed everything. He did what he always did: Tried to start an argument. He threw my words back in my face. He even tweeted about it.

And oddly enough…it was like my brain rebooted.

I thought back to the days I endlessly fought with him. The number of times I tried to leave and, unfortunately, the number of times I got sucked back in.

I remembered the pain. I remembered the cycle he put me through. And for the first time, I could feel it in my stomach. It had finally happened.

I stopped loving him.

The way people process rejection is interesting.

He makes up stories in his head. That you’re actually still in love with him. That you miss him. That all of your tweets are actually just you subtweeting him (I promise, I have better things to do).

His way of coping was that I must still have feelings for him.

And I felt like saying that I do have feelings, all right.

But none of them are positive.

There’s an insufferable way you get caught back into these cycles. He is out of your life for a long time and it’s like your brain wipes away the trauma. The arguments slip. The way he yelled at you when you talked to another guy disappears. The trauma fades.

And somehow, you miss them. Their smell. The way they bought you gifts on your birthday. The way they can be thoughtful sometimes. Their charm.

But if you’re fortunate enough, the mask slips (not literally, wear your damn mask).

You get to rediscover who they are. And once you remember that — once your brain realizes that this is not what you want, this is not what you deserve and not acceptable behavior…you change.

Physically, you are not the same. Because now your body knows.

So I didn’t respond. I removed him from social media everywhere that I could and went back to protecting my peace. I felt lucky.

Not just that, actually.

I felt incredible.

Because love is not just an emotion.

It’s patterns. It’s effort. It’s beliefs.

And once you step back from it and they give you a chance to show who they really are, the pattern gets interrupted. There’s a shift. Because not only can you no longer be controlled, but your body physically pulls yourself further from them.

You’re reminded of the despair and discomfort and pain and it reminds you that where you are now is so much brighter. It’s so much bolder and stronger and full of genuine love than when you let him play with your heart.

You’re no longer in love. There are no more feelings.

Now you’re just protecting yourself the way you always knew you should.