Dating : SHE HAS BEEN WITH MULTIPLE MEN.

SHE HAS BEEN WITH MULTIPLE MEN.
I am often described like that.
By a lot of people. Sometimes by some of my own extended family and relatives. Its funny, because most men in India, are never under the pressure to choose a single woman for their entire lives. They can experiment, they can date, they can meet different girls, have physical relationships with them, and dump them as and when they see fit.
Families, Elders have no problems with that.
He is a guy, it wasnt working for him so what could he have done?
“The girl was bad for him”
My guy friends can bring their girlfriends home anytime. Its very cool and hip, and at the dinner table, they are even teased about it.
On the other hand, Women are judged by the men they go out with. And why is that? Why does something which is perfectly normal for men to do, something to be ashamed of for women?
Or is it because women are property to be owned and so their morality has to get a flawless character certificate from their Fathers, Brothers, Uncles,Bosses, Men friends and basically every man on the street before they can be seen as ideal women?
I will never marry a non virgin wife”, says a friend who has had three girlfriends already. I smirk and remind him he isn’t a virgin either.
He rolls up his eyes and says, « its different for us, you know, A man has needs that he can’t control »
I consider giving him an opinion for a min, and then realise I don’t really want to waste my time on a dimwit. So I smile, pay my share of the bill and leave.
I remember that court scene from Pink, where Angad Bedi glares at Amitabh Bacchan and tells him Hamare Ghar ki bahu betiyaan sharab nahi peeti, kyunki woh shareef ghar ki auratein hai » ( The women of our houses don’t drink, because they are from decent families)
Thats when Amitabh Bachan shows Angad Bedi, a picture of his sister drinking, taken from her Facebook.
This always makes me laugh. Not because drinking is apparently bad only for a woman’s character, but because I know so many friends who have dual lives, one on facebook and one in front of their families. They have privacy settings and blocklists with their whole families on it, so that they can lead a different life, from what their families want them to live.
I know. I was one of them.
Until I didn’t want to anymore.
My Dad offers me a drink everytime I go out with him. I don’t drink.
People assume I drink because you know “ whispers of she writes about sex you know, and she has dated multiple men.”
I don’t drink because I don’t want to drink. Because thats what empowerment means to me.
Having the choice to not do what you don’t want to do.
I also don’t think a man has the right to dole out a character certificate based on the number of men I have dated.
Nor any woman.
Be it from my family, or be it from outside. Yes they can be worried for me.
Because dating people who are not right for you can have consequences. And parents are chronic worriers even when you grow into adults.
You can’t and shouldn’t try to change that.
But never has my father come up to me and said
« Polly you have had three boyfriends, you are a woman with low morals ».
The world however has.
A lot.
Eric Jerome Dickey said “ A slut is a woman with a man’s morals”
« Five years ago, if a neighbor called up my mom, and said that do you know your daughter has had multiple relationships, it would have affected me.
I would have been shamed into silence.
Today?
I adjust my spectacles and laugh aloud.
Just because some man thinks the rules are different for men and women, doesn’t mean it happens in my world.
I am a very gender neutral person, almost androgynous.
There are days when I do something feminine, and I surprise myself. “ Pallavi you can behave like a girl? Wow.
So here’s the thing.I am a woman, 29 years old ( 30 according to my real birthday, but hey thats supposed to be a secret). I have had three boyfriends.
Married one of them, divorced him six months later because he was cheating on me.
I don’t plan to get married anytime soon.
Maybe when I am 50 or something. Maybe marry an Italian or a Swedish Guy. Or someone from Taiwan.
Maybe an Indian. But yet to find someone I really like a lot.
For those who don’t know what dating means, its pretty much like the girls you meet for arranged marriages.
Except your parents arent hovering around, and you dont have to say yes to the guy just because he is from the same caste, has a government job and earns a lot, and you aren’t expected to have sex on the wedding night with a person that you barely know ( again not generalizing, just speaking of some of the the arranged marriages I know about).
And these aren’t murderers or thugs, or criminals( but it would make up for a great story if I did go out on a date with a serial killer like Hannibal, won’t it?)
These are normal men with verified profiles( not like the ones on Jeevansaathi and Bharat Matrimony where I have encountered more married men than single ones) and you go out with them, if you talk to them and like them.
So yes I go out on dates sometimes. What happens on dates?
We talk, we eat, we watch movies, that is if I can tolerate the guy beyond a single meeting ( which is getting increasingly difficult these days given my increased threshold for misogyny).
We become friends sometimes.
I haven’t found anyone I have liked more than a friend right now, but I hope I will someday.
But I will be okay if I won’t.
I will always have my girlfriends to fall back upon. If its a choice between my friends and a date, it will be my friends probably.
Its a lot more fun with them right now.Why is dating important to me?
Because it gives the remote control of my life back into my hands.
I get to choose.
I get to decide.
I get to deny.
I get to say yes and I get to say no.
Why is that considered a stigma?
Because women controlling their own lives is a stigma.
On my sex life.
Given how open I am about my sexuality and my life in general, the general assumption is often that I am a harlot who will probably do it with anyone on the street.
Thats okay.
People who have time to think crappy things about other’s lives should own that crap.
I, on the other hand prefer not to carry other people’s crap.
Makes my life a lot more easier.
The point being, even I was a “harlot” ( and who exactly coined these names whore, slut, harlot?
The priest who abused his nuns?)
doing “it » with anyone and everyone( shhhh sex is a bad word even if Indias population continues to cross a billion), that would be my choice.
A bad choice or a good choice, but my choice.
But unfortunately I am just a girl who has to fall in love or atleast like someone immensely before being physically intimate. And love, that bloody bitch has taken the bloody life out of me, everytime I have chosen to fall in love.
Am I proud of every decision I have taken? Not necessarily.
Am I sorry and shameful about any decision I have taken? Absolutely not. Because they are my choices.
Will I go back and change anything? Not really.
Because I am the woman I am today because of every decision that I have taken, irrespective of whether it has worked for me or not.
Having said that, my sex life,my dating life, my life in general, is my business.
So why do I write about it?
Why do I let everyone know?
For the same reason why everyone scrolls up to read what I write post after post, month after month.
Because this is me telling you thats its okay to be who you are.
This is me telling you, that you aren’t owned by anyone, and the only person you ought to be answerable to, is yourself.
This is me rejecting the notion and the hypocrisy, that men and women have to be judged differently just because I was born with a vagina, and that I need a stamp of approval from people around on the world, on how I should lead my life
THIS IS ME SAYING ITS MY BODY, ITS MY LIFE AND I GET TO DECIDE WHAT THE EFF I WANNA DO WITH IT.
That is what writing means to me.
This is my voice, This is my story, and no one’s shutting me up sweetheart.
She has been with multiple men » whispers Pammi Aunty as she gobbles up the free food at a wedding.
I smile, as I make my way to my date of the evening. He is the groom’s best friend. He puts his hand forward. And as the music plays, we dance for the rest of the night.