h2>Dating : How I Found Out About My Serious Fear of Committing to a Relationship
Relationship / Psychology
And what I try to battle it.
“If my life weren’t such a disaster, I’d ask her out right now.”
That’s what I told a good friend of mine yesterday. But first, I think you need a little context.
I met a girl. She is stunning. In addition, she is self-confident, courteous, and has great charisma.
Yes, I am interested in girls like her. Yet, I didn’t ask her for a date anyways.
It’s always the same. Something stops me from approaching girls I find interesting.
You could close the browser window now, and think “hmm, he just doesn’t have the guts to approach a girl.” But that’s not the point. It’s not a lack of bravery.
I feel like I am suffering from a severe fear of commitment. Yes, fear of commitment is a real problem many people might have. The topic is getting subject to more and more research. Well-known symptoms are not being able to imagine a long-term relationship with your current partner, struggling with trusting others, and avoiding true intimacy¹.
Fearing the unknown is normal. However, committing to a new relationship is something new at first, too.
But fearing such a positive and important step in life like building a severe love relationship might be dangerous.
Who wouldn’t say that physical and emotional closeness is good for you?
Even our mental health can be positively affected by a love relationship².
Yet, the situation made one thing clear to me again: I think I have a severe fear of commitment. Here are the symptoms I have, and how I try to overcome them.
I am not insecure about myself. When I say I didn’t ask her out, it’s clear to many what’s going on: I’m not confident and afraid of rejection.
Yes, for many men, this is the case. Not for me.
Just look at my profile picture. I am an averagely attractive young man with a promising future. I have no problem with rejection either.
It’ something else.
Two years ago, I was totally in love — and a critical phase of my life. I should have given my attention to everything but girls. Even then, my fear of a relationship was present. Looking back, I know it clearly — it just wasn’t the right time for a relationship. I lacked so much. I had no perspective, struggled to finish school, and had health problems.
Today everything is better. Or is it?
Well, I wouldn’t be writing this if it was.
Objectively, I feel much better. But ultimately, it’s the perception that counts and shapes our actions. And my perception is just as negative as it was back then.
I still have the feeling that something is missing. Something is missing that would make me capable of having a relationship.
Sometimes I admire the relationships of my friends. Not for how well they really work out (I can’t tell). I admire them for their relaxed approach.
Acting out their relationship in front of other people and on social media is not a problem for my friends. But it would be one for me.
For some reason, I feel like I’m making myself vulnerable. And who likes to be vulnerable?
Of course, you always make yourself vulnerable in a relationship. You always pay a high price for true intimacy. One relies on the trust of a person. On the person’s ability to understand you. You expect yourself to handle the most intimate statements of your partner correctly.
In the end, it’s worth it. At least, I think it’s a better ending than being tough, closed, and emotionally alone for a lifetime.
To be honest, I have a problem trusting people. I also have a problem with my social anxiety. Making a love relationship visible, exposing it to other people’s thoughts and opinions scares me. I feel overwhelmed by this idea.
This teaches me an important lesson about my fear of commitment: it depends on other, more minor anxieties that could impact a love relationship.
I am a person with grand ambitions.
I’m still young, have many dreams, and still a lot to do and the feeling that I can create a lot. So that’s why I work hard.
When you genuinely want to pursue a goal, there is one crucial step: Cut out any distractions.
Your smartphone is a distraction. Netflix is a distraction. Even though I hate to say it, other people can be a distraction too.
A relationship needs time. And attention. And energy, of course. Sometimes a lot of energy. I am not sure if I can provide all of this while working on much other stuff.
Life doesn’t necessarily become easier. And in some lives, the amount of stuff that needs to be done rises with time. Yet, so many people are in relationships — how do they still get all their stuff done?
This is the question I asked myself to understand my fear.
When I stumbled upon Parkinson’s Law a while back, the answer appeared to me. The law states that tasks always take as much time as they get. In terms of trying to be productive, creating free time for work won’t necessarily lead to more productivity.
At the end of the day, we always get everything done somehow. Yet, I still fear losing productivity when truly committing to a relationship. And I think I found out why.
I do not fear not to get done enough. I fear not to be enough.
The reason people work hard is easy — they are not satisfied with who they are or what they have. It’s as simple as that, and it applies to me, too. So I think that I have come a little closer to the real cause.
But what causes me to be so dissatisfied with myself? It might be my low self-esteem.
But how do you fix low self-esteem? That’s a good question. Unfortunately, the subject is very complex. It has always helped me a bit to be more clear about my successes. At least for a moment, that can boost your self-worth.
But in the long term? I think there’s the same problem with anxiety in general, which we’ll get to in a moment. Whether you have high self-esteem or not depends largely on your personality⁴.
But will your personality change significantly as you get older? Not likely, a study shows — the changes are rather small⁵.
For understanding my possible fear of commitment, understanding anxiety itself helped me a lot. What is anxiety actually? And what causes it?
Various causes can trigger anxiety. For example, some people are afraid of driving, social interactions, or committing to a romantic relationship. But what does it depend on whether someone is fundamentally more anxious?
In the Big Five model of personality, there is a dimension called “neuroticism.” It denotes the tendency to almost all negative emotions — fear, anger, stress, and worry.
Anxiety also seems to occur strongly in people who have high scores in neuroticism. According to a study, this dimension of personality seems to be a predictor of whether someone suffers from anxiety in his or her life³.
I am the best example of this. In fact, I score very high in neuroticism — and I’ve been anxious all my life. I always find a reason to feel more fear than my peers: Exams, social encounters, responsibility, and yes, even love relationships.
The sad truth is probably that I will always find a reason to be anxious. The same might apply to you.
Part of the truth is that there is always risk in life. Yes, in a love relationship, the fear of being hurt, abandoned, or betrayed is legitimate. Anything can happen. Life is not a safe space, and almost every improvement you pay with more risk.
Precisely this attitude has helped me a lot. Not entering into a relationship out of fear is an irrational idea. Sooner or later, my fear will turn to something else — maybe even being alone or dying single.
A good love relationship can provide you with so much. Sure, you could lose all of instantly — that’s life. But trust me, the things you might miss out on deserve your anxiety too. Staying single, having no real intimacy, living alone, and lacking physical closeness is a horrible scenario for many people.
I am not talking about these people finding it horrible themselves. No, I’m talking about the fact that, quite objectively, this is usually not a good life. However, being alone for a long time could massively alleviate my satisfaction.
Maybe at the end of the day, I’ll never get over my fear of being in a relationship. But what’s the alternative? The sober view helps me be more afraid of a life without a real relationship. And I think that might be the easiest way to overcome.
Fear of commitment is a real thing. Yet, it is not so well researched and could depend on many small fears and negative experiences. You now know my problems and my approach to solving them. It helps me to see what price I pay for my fear.
However, if you also suffer from a fear of commitment, I would recommend seeking professional help. Some factors, such as trauma, can contribute to fear of commitment and are treatable, so please don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
[2]: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html
[4]: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/228079615_Personality_Correlates_of_Self-Esteem
[5]: https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspp0000210
