Dating : How To Online Date Like A Feminist

Tips from a Tinder survivor.

A couple of years ago, I called off my wedding.

The why and how of that story are tales for another day.

But suffice to say, after seven years in a committed relationship that began before online dating was used by anyone other than middle aged divorcees, I was eager to try out a new-fangled internet method of finding boys to kiss.

I was also terrified.

Would anyone like my profile? What photos should I use? How prevalent were the much storied Tinder “dick pics,” and how could I avoid them? And come to think of it, did I want to avoid them?

These and many other (deeply existential) questions bounced around inside my head.

But since I had few female friends who were single and ready to mingle (if you will, and you will), I ended up diving into the dating app world without any idea of what to expect.

But boy(s), am I glad I did!

Step One:

Channel your inner Lizzbian.

Now, if you haven’t heard of Lizzo, I’d like to be the first to welcome you out from under your rock. It’s great to have you out here in the big, bright metropolis of badass bitches! The first thing you’ll need to do is find your nearest set of headphones, and get caught up.

Are we on the same page now? Okay, great.

So not to exclude anyone who isn’t into boys — it’s true, boys can be a bit smelly, but they’re really fun to play with once you clean them up, I promise — but in my opinion, the best way to savor the delicacies of online dating is to be a total Lizzbian about it.

As Lizzo puts it in her (banger) hit of the same name:

I like big boys, itty bitty boys; Mississippi boys, inner city boys; I like the pretty boys with the bow tie; Get your nails did, let it blow dry; I like a big beard, I like a clean face; I don’t discriminate, come and get a taste; From the playboys to the gay boys; Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys!

And there you have it.

Step One to online dating like a (straight, female) feminist is to open your eyes and check out the absolute buffet of man meat that the internet has on display.

Don’t limit yourself to the dessert table that everyone else is pushing to get close to. Take a long, slow walk around the room. Consider the eggs Benedict. Sample the sesame chicken. For goodness sake, have a taco!

Because if you happen to be a boring cis-gendered straight chick living in or near a city (like me), I have great news. There are literally oodles of straight men on the dating apps. And based on my research, only about half of them are scumbags!

It’s a literal smorgasbord of sausages out there, ladies. So I suggest you loosen those (unrealistic) height parameters and get swiping.

Step Two:

Keep track of your panties and other key accouterments.

I’ll grant that for some women, this one is obvious.

HOWEVER, if you’re a tad absent-minded, a teensy bit slutty whilst drunk, or just a hippie who takes off undergarments at random to “fight back against the patriarchy,” take heed.

There’s no reason in the world you shouldn’t be free to go commando. Your bits and bobs are yours to display as you see fit.

However, most often, it is advisable to wear underpants to the office. And on public transit. And probably, anytime it’s windy and you’re wearing a dress.

So if you find yourself taking Step One to heart and packing your weeknights with gentleman callers, my suggestion is that you prioritize keeping the whereabouts of your panties at the forefront of your mind. (And it wouldn’t hurt to bring a hairbrush, either.)

Because honestly, if you want to have a midweek slumber party with Julien the Parisian who is only in town for one more night, go for it. Just don’t give Bob from accounting another reason to creepily drop his pen under the conference room table at tomorrow’s budget meeting.

Step Three

Carry a taser.

Anyone who boldly ventures into the world of dating apps knows that dates with douches are a near unavoidable cost of doing business. And unfortunately, some of those douches don’t deal well with rejection.

The rules of thumb I lived by during my online dating life were numerous. But on the safety front, they were: (1) try to weed out the douches; (2) always meet in public places; (3) keep all three of my eyes on my drink; and (4) if a douche manages to sneak past the pre-screen, have an exit strategy.

So, for instance, I once accidentally went on a date with the world’s biggest Finance Douche-Bro.

F.B.D. began the evening by arriving 15 minutes late, and then slipping the hostess $100 to get us a table — because apparently that’s supposed to be more impressive than planning ahead and making a reservation?

He then spent two full hours at dinner trying, repeatedly, to grab hold of my thigh, and bragging about “his” (his dad’s) house in Aspen.

(I withstood the leg assaults not because I had any intention of visiting this douche-cabin, but because I was hungry and the sushi was delicious. What can I say? I’m a sucker for sashimi.)

At the end of the date, F.D.B. asked me — then an employee of the federal government — whether I “like to party.”

Upon clarification about the meaning of the question, I assured him that no, I generally prefer not to stick things up my nose, and so I’d be heading home, alone, imminently.

Thankfully, F.D.B. didn’t protest. He bid me adieu with a charming: “Oh, alright, well…like, maybe I’ll call you if I decide to do a dry April.”

This horrendous date (one of many) ended without any trouble, but I can’t say I wasn’t happy to have my (police grade, probably not recommended for use by petite red haired hobbit women) taser in my bag, just in case. After all, F.D.B. could easily have got to thinking that Daddy would probably pay for fancy defense attorneys in addition to fancy vacation homes.

In conclusion: don’t let a douche catch you off guard. Safety first!

Step Four:

Wear the pants.

You can take this one to mean whatever tickles your fancy.

Accustomed to being called bossy and bitchy and afraid that telling him that bars bore you and what you actually want to do is go go-karting?

No point pretending you’re a coy, shy, little sheep. Your real personality is bound to show at some point, so you might as well wear the pants today.

Hate wearing dresses and skirts, but feel like societal pressure dictates that you must look feminine on a first date?

Any man worth half his weight in salt isn’t going to decide whether he’s into you based on what’s covering your bottom half— wear the pants!

Operating under the delusion that it’s the dude’s job to take the lead, show initiative, and make a plan?

Girl, please. This is 2019, not 1952.

If you sit around waiting for Don Draper to come sweep you off your kitten heels, the rest of us feminists are going to swoop in and steal all the good ones.

So put on those big girl pants and ask him out first.

Step Five

Tell him where to put it.

This should go without saying, but my final piece of advice is the following: speak up, ladies.

If you make a man dinner (because you want to) and he helps you clean up the kitchen (because like you, he’s a feminist) but he doesn’t know where the pot goes, help the guy out. Tell him where to put it.

If you take a fella to bed and you know what you want and where you want it, don’t be shy. Tell him where to put it.

And if you receive an unsolicited dick pic, or otherwise find yourself engaged in an undesirable interaction with a Finance Douche Bro, you know what to do.

Tell him where to put it.