Dating : I Am Generation Equality

****************

It was almost time for us to leave. While he had gone to freshen up, I sat resting my head back on the couch. He came back and sat close to me. He turned around towards me and leaned in to speak to me.

‘Where do you see this going?’ He asked.

I looked straight into his eyes and asked ‘You tell me?’ further asking ‘What is this?’ as I moved my eyes pointing to the proximity between us.

‘Friends!’ he replied without delay.

Slightly bemused by his response, ‘Friends?!’ I repeated, allowing him to re-assess.

‘More-than-friends’, he said with a gradually narrowing sound after each word.

‘You don’t have to try so hard’, I said as I averted my gaze from him to the ceiling. ‘Friends it is then’, I added shifting to distance myself from him.

In an attempt to cajole me, he tried to wrap me again in his arms. I couldn’t hide my reluctance and he sensed my discomfort as I removed his arms from around me and straightened myself.

************

We talked for another couple of minutes. It was almost sundown. There were no vivid sunset colors though. It was drizzling and gloomy. Finally, it was time for us to leave and bring an end to the meeting.

We walked out of the café. At the basement parking, as we talked about the weather and parked vehicles, he moved slowly towards me, grabbed my waist and pulled me close. We shared a kiss. Realizing and recalling ‘the friend thing’, filled with repulsion, I resisted with my palm on his chest asking him to stop. I turned around to walk away; he held my wrist and pulled me close to himself and locked lips. I wanted to flow in emotions, but I couldn’t allow them to take control. An inward battle was already going on inside of me and I suggested him to control himself as I pulled myself away.

We stared silently into each other’s eyes and exchanged brief smiles.

I stood there, looking at him as he settled himself in his ride ‘There is something between us, right?’ I asked.

‘Uh-hmm but I’m scared the feelings might develop and be difficult for both of us in future.’ He replied as he put on his jacket. I walked towards him. ‘So, let’s end this?’ I questioned.

He sat there irresponsive. I waited but with no or yes coming from his side, I decided to just walk out.

*************

You were confused, so I took a stand;
In the guise of uncertainty, so you take no other chance.
You don’t toy with me, I uphold my dignity;
Submissive and subservient — I rather not be.
In all domains, we mutually respect each other;
I look up to you only if you don’t look down on me.

*************

I reached home; walked straight inside my bedroom and shut the door. I sat motionless on the sofa trying to sink in everything. I heard the phone ringing.

I looked at my phone.

*you calling*

I rejected the call, set my phone on silent and closed my eyes. I realized how everything had numbed me.

After a couple of minutes I opened my eyes.

7 missed calls, 3 messages.

*you calling*

I answered.

‘How are you?’ he asked.

‘What happened to you? Are you okay?’ I asked instantly referring to his brief third message ‘health’.

‘I met with an accident’ he replied.

‘Where? Did you hurt yourself? Did you get first aid?’ I enquired.

‘My bike slipped’, he replied sluggishly. ‘Yes I visited the medical store’, he said.

‘So what are you doing?’ He asked, ‘other than ignoring my calls?’ he further added.

‘I just wanted to be all by myself for some time.’ I said.

‘Tell me, what happened?’ he said.

‘You do know about it’, I said narrating the last moment together.

‘But I did not say yes’, he said.

‘Ah..ok! You didn’t say no either. You said nothing.’ I replied.

‘What do I do?’ He asked.

‘How am I supposed to tell you what to do? You have to decide for yourself. I can’t force my thoughts upon you.’ I stated.

After a brief silence, ‘I will think about it’, he replied.

‘Take your time and let me know.’ I replied. ‘Take rest’, I added. And we decided to hang up the call.

****************

*Two days later *

‘Do you use e-sewa?’ I asked.

‘Yes’, he said ‘why is that?’

‘Oh nice’ I said. ‘Is it registered with the same number?’ I further asked as I opened the app and started scrolling the option.

‘Uh-huh! But what is it?’ he asked again.

In a lighthearted manner, ‘You will know’, I replied.

I clicked send money, selected bill sharing, filled in details and pressed send.

On the other side, as he received the notification, the message sent him into a rage.

‘What do you think I am?’ he exclaimed. Bewildered, ‘No, it’s not about you. Don’t take me wrong.’ I said.

Infuriated ‘Okay, I’ m not liking this’, he said adding statements how he disapproved of it.

I was speechless. I could sense his anger infused with irritation.

‘Please calm down. Listen to me.’ I requested. ‘It’s not about you… it’s about me. You are not liable to pay my expenses. I am independent enough to bear them. I don’t want to feel dependent on you regarding anything and especially when there is nothing exclusive about us. It is about my sense of independence.’ I said hoping he understands.

‘But why after two days?’ he asked.

‘I offered to split the bill there as well. Considering the vibe of the moment, I chose to not insist on further. However, something inside of me was not convinced. I wanted to but I did not know how to. Holiday… rain… so I thought of it.’ I replied.

‘You could have paid the next time’, he said assertively.

‘Next time?! Who knows next time?! We have already discussed ending it once. And also, it is too heavy for me to carry this till the next time.’ I replied.

After a while, we decided to end the call.

***************

I had no intention to rock the boat. How unfortunate it is that in trying to remove gender gaps and promote gender equality, an uncomfortable distance is created between us!

I know of sleepless nights in love,
Also, I realize, with self-worth, I close my eyes in peace.
My first relationship is with myself,
I dare to be me before being yours.
Before I delight in seeing my reflection in your eyes,
I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Before being accountable to you,
I have to be loyal to my values.
If someday, I forget myself,
No amount of you can complete me.
I will love you eternally,
But, not at the cost of my self-respect.

You required time to ponder upon your feelings. And I genuinely want you to. I do deserve clarity. Your words were contrary to your actions. And I don’t blame you. Our society has customized men to behave in contradiction by ‘keeping in’ and regulating every emotion. Traditional masculinity has always only promoted and expected men to internalize feelings and show less of their tender emotions like sadness and anxiety and allowed to freely express anger, contempt, and disgust.

I don’t know how much in touch you are with your emotions. All I want is that you are honest about it. Hence, I respect your need for time to make a decision. And I hope I can expect similar sensitivity from you towards my decisions, now and in the future.

Meanwhile, as you make your choice, if I feel otherwise or move on, I don’t want to feel obligated to meet you because I feel like I owe you anything.

Our society has instilled in our minds the stereotype role of man-as-provider and so it might have offended you. But I did not have any inclination to hurt or undermine your pride. Who understands better than a woman, the value of pride?

I am an old school romantic,
and I feel no shame in loving you,
But in this generation-
With love, I exercise my equality.

-Me