Dating : Im not stupid, Im just very much in love…..

Im not Stupid, im just very much in love…..I think?

Okay so this is pretty new for me, my brother recommended that I start writing online, rather than in my notebook. He says that maybe others could relate to me and that it would just be something to put my energy into. Okay, I want to skip the self-introduction right now, I don’t think it’s necessary, I just want to dive right into what’s been causing me pain recently. It’s about a boy…..I know right…..but anyways I’m in a relationship at least I think I am. As of recently, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye for the past 2 weeks, before that it’s been peaches n cream, great, beautiful days together. It all started off with a lil altercation, let’s just say I accidentally hit him, he lashed out said some things and I stormed out of his house in anger. He checked on me the day later asking if I’m just not going to talk to him again, I say what is there to talk about you said what you said, what’s left. To sum it up he just says how it wasn’t that serious, and he only said what he said out of anger. I asked for an apology, and you know what he told me. He said, “I’m not going to lie to you by apologizing, I’m not sorry.” I know red flag….me trying to belittle the situation I suggest things that he could do to fix things, being as though I was still in my feelings and he made it clear that he wanted to fix things, but apologizing for wasn’t on the table. I tried to overlook it and just move on for the sake of our relationship, oh and also because the next week he would be visiting family so I wouldn’t be seeing him at all. But as we kept talking I couldn’t help but still feel some type of way about how things went down the other day. He notices and begins to throw a fit, and claims that I’m treating him different and that the situation was never that serious for me to still be mad. I’m really trying at this point to overlook it so we can be happy again. I miss him, he misses me, maybe this just isn’t our week. The conversations as the days go on continue to get shorter, and drier, he eventually makes his way up to his families house. We don’t talk for days, this is new for us, the longest we would go without talking is a day, if even so long. I text him on Wednesday, to see what’s up…stay with me I’m almost there….I say, “we’re not talking anymore,” he says I’m acting weird and blames the situation on me, I text him back a paragraph and he responds with a short dry sentence, that doesn’t even answer or correlate to anything that I have said. Thursday and Friday go by, Nothing. No calls no texts, it’s just as if he fell off the face of the earth. Saturday goes by I’m by my phone all day waiting for a text back, by then he should be home. I’m expecting something, anything, but still nothing. Even though I said to myself over and over again that I wasn’t going to send the first signal out again, I did. I texted him….I asked something that I have been wondering all week “Are you single?” he replies with “Obviously, the girl that is supposed to be my girlfriend is acting weird, and isn’t talking to me.” We go back and forth but im the one carrying the conversation really trying to go in depth about what’s been going on this past week, he continues to reply with short sentences minutes later, clearly showing me how nonchalant he is to all of this. I ask him one simple question, “are we done?” He says “idk” “Do you want us to be done?” “I don’t know” How could he not know. This is the second time that this has happened, earlier in the year we went through a rough patch which caused us to break up for about a month. The reasoning behind that was due to me losing my virginity…but that’s another story for another time. But right before I broke up with him I asked him if he still wanted to be with me he said he didn’t know, I also asked if he wanted a break he said he didn’t know. But here we are again, he swore this would never happen again, and that the break that we took made him realize how much he loved me. How much he valued me, and how much he could never let this happen again. But yet here we are, old habits die hard I guess. That last conversation happened yesterday, no calls no texts since then, back to silence. In my head, I was giving him until tomorrow to figure it out and reach out and let me know what he has settled on. Until I came up with an idea of doing a “pop up.” For those who don’t know what that is, its basically when you pop up on someone without them knowing your coming…..surprise. I was going to drive over to his house tomorrow tell him I’m outside and have him let me in. In my head, I thought it was a great idea, because I know he misses me and I obviously miss him, we get to talk in person, and really get to address what’s going on in our relationship. I ran the idea past my good friend and she made it very very clear that I am not to do that. She said that I was chasing him and that I’m not the boyfriend, that I already made the effort by reaching out to see what’s going on and to talk about it. She says I should just do me, and not talk to him again until he shows effort. She thinks that the relationship is done and that it’s time to move on. Throughout the whole conversation, I tried to change her mind into making her believe that it was a good idea when in reality I was just trying to believe that it was a good idea myself. So I guess the pop up idea is canceled right?…. I’m really trying, I really am, I don’t want it to be over it’s so hard for me to think that it’s over when it all started from something so small, especially when we were just on cloud 9 weeks ago. It’s just not adding up and before anyone says it there is no one else in the picture, I’m absolutely sure about that. Not to make this any longer than it already is but I talked to my brother which inspired this whole thing….I couldn’t let it go, it’s now midday Sunday and I’m waiting for a response from him hoping he has come to his senses. My brother believes that a relationship is not the move right now. Backstory- I recently graduated from high school and am now going to a State college, I’m very excited about it. It’s approximately 4 hours away from my city, and my boyfriends going to the community school in the city, for financial reasonings, and we were planning on making it work long distance. Back to the story……My brother believes that I have way more things to be focusing on right now and that this is doing nothing but slowing me down. Of course, my brother wants me to be happy, but he doesn’t believe that my boyfriend is it, not to mention that my brother doesn’t necessarily like him, another story for another time….but this is him being “unbiased” right……He says that he can’t see me marrying him and that this isn’t my forever. He touches more on relationships in college, and how people change and all of this other stuff. In the midst of everything I bring up the idea that I had about the pop-up, but I also told him what my friend said. His words exactly “FACTS, SHE’S DROPPING NOTHING BUT FACTS ON YOU” Not the answer that I was looking for at ALL. He says why put in so much work into something when the other person couldn’t even care less.To be fair I don’t think that my boyfriend doesn’t care about me, I just think that he’s super nonchalant about the whole thing, but IDK…My brother believes that If I stop putting efforts in, stop calling, stop texting, stop showing up that everything would just crumble. Basically that I’m chasing him, when it should be the other way around…Which is understandable I really feel that. He continues to tell me people come and go, you can’t hold on to everyone forever, high school doesn’t last forever, “many more lessons to come ahead.” Which really now leaves me here thinking if this was just all meant to happen, I really don’t want to break up but maybe its best. That month that we weren’t together I was hurting, my heart was so broken, and we have grown closer together since then so this time would be even more hurtful, I’m not ready for that pain again. Why can’t he put the effort in? Why can’t he love me, like he claims he does? Why am I always left feeling that I’m never enough for someone once I give them my all, the very best that I have….To some, this relationship may sound so childish and seem that it’s in need of a break, but honestly, it really is a beautiful relationship especially for our age bracket. We never let social media, others, the community around us, nothing at all stop us or change us for one another. Every problem that we have ever had has been problems with us. I’m trying to hold on to the fact, that everyone’s relationship is different, and goes through different shit. Also trying to hold on to the fact that everyone coops with things differently and that he will come around when he is ready….But would it be too late? Would I be settling? I love him with my whole heart I really do, but is it time to move on? Idk all of this may change in as little as an hour or as long as a week, right now I’m just going to take my friend’s advice and live my life, and try not to let this slow me done. I miss him, I really do miss him, I’m praying that he comes back around. But people have a funny way of showing themselves.