Dating : It’s funny that you’re describing dating attitudes that are the very reason I stopped dating.

<sigh>

It’s funny that you’re describing dating attitudes that are the very reason I stopped, told myself enough, and chose single celibacy. Except it’s as much your new attitudes and behaviors as your old ones.

“If I screwed up with them, I would die sad and alone.”

There you go, there’s your entire problem. As long as you think alone=sad, you’re still on the same messed up rollercoaster. And it also means that, unintentionally or not, your judging people who are alone as sad. Even if you don’t quite see it that way now, that attitude is still embedded in the way you talk about dating.

“I’m talking about subjective ugliness that incorporates the whole person.”

But, if you really were though, you wouldn’t have said this…

“For me, this resulted in lowering my standards for external and internal beauty.”

If you have “standards for external beauty,” you are talking about appearance, and probably more than you realize. And that you keep framing things in “ugly” and “beautiful” screams that.

“This only served to reinforce my belief that I was a beautiful person.”

See what I mean? If you need this validation from others, that’s the thing you need to change, or you’re still part of the problem. Because it also means that you think anyone you encounter who has self-esteem issues is somehow an uglier person, and that’s twisted and judgmental as hell. And then, of course, there’s the assumption that most people have loads of compliments in their life to look at in a different way — do you even realize how many people in the world have lower self-worth because they’ve been verbally and psychologically abused by someone trying to boost their own worth?

In fact, the core mantra of the creepy “pick up artist” is that they are trying to get close to people by making themselves to be a “higher worth individual.” And finding mental and physical ways to make others treat you like one, is the first big step to being a PUA.

And then there’s the quote choices in the article — who said it matters at least as much as what they said; one of the most famously beautiful women in history, who did die alone and fairly miserable because she was constantly having her worth defined by others, a contributor to the most insipid self-help series in the last 20 years, a plagiarist and a Nazi?! I mean, come on.

“Instead, I sent a few texts back and forth and then set a date.”

Exactly the kind of dating-site expectation that pisses me off. If you aren’t willing to get to know one another a little online, before you move to in-person, they you have utterly missed the fucking point of online dating. And the most excruciating dates I’ve ever been on, were all with people who pushed to meet too soon, and when I gave in, we had nothing to talk about and nothing in common. Quality is better than quantity when it comes to pretty much everything, and that includes dates. I’ve generally been at my most miserable when I’m going on more dates with strangers, not the other way around.

Also, I don’t know why so many people don’t know this, but self-worth and self-esteem are not the same thing — nor are they of equal value. I know my worth, to myself and the people who matter to me. I don’t need to think I’m a “beautiful person” who can attract more people in order to know my worth. My worth is not determined by how attractive a person I am, even if you’re ignoring physical appearance in that equation. I don’t NEED to be a “beautiful person” to deserve love and respect from others. I deserve it because I put it into the world, because I treat others with respect and kindness. You’re still talking about validation from outside parties, and that’s not actually a healthy attitude. It’s all very “A Mirror Has Two Faces.”

Beauty isn’t just in the eye of the beholder, it’s a bullshit concept that means absolutely nothing. Here’s another silly phrase that makes the point, “Beauty is only skin deep.” So, if it’s only skin deep, and what is so beautiful is subjective, why do I need to feel beautiful, even in some esoteric definition? Why do people tell me to call myself beautiful, to see myself as beautiful, when it holds no intrinsic value? When the rare occasion comes up, that I discuss my appearance, and I say that I’m slightly above average in the ‘standards of beauty’ department, why do they start ragging on me to think of myself as beautiful? Because they think feeling beautiful is what makes people happy, when that kind of subjective evaluation has made more people miserable than diet culture.

One of the biggest things that has always made me crazy on dating sites, is men who even bring up appearance at the start of a conversation, with women who clearly don’t give a shit about theirs. If I’m exercising more, or eating differently, it’s because I want to feel better, to move better, physically. It’s never going to be for others in the first place or the second, it’s never because I want to feel more attractive. I literally do not care how attractive I am to others, and yet, when I say things like that people genuinely act like that’s an unhealthy attitude, that I should feel attractive, that it will make me feel better about myself. Meanwhile, nothing makes me feel worth less than when how attracted others are to me, is presumed to be a priority in my life.

This is probably sounding peevish, but that’s not the point. If you’re happy with you, then I am happy for you. But you’re reinforcing the same shit that made you miserable in the first place, telling people that how attractive you are defines you even a little, that it even matters. It doesn’t. It never did. And putting the attitude into the world is just helping to create more “ugly” people by your own definitions.

In my opinion, the only time a person is ugly is if they treat others badly, cruelly, with indifference or disdain. It’s been so narcissistic that you genuinely think you’re better than other people, that you deserve to be treated better than they do — you know, like Coco Chanel. Claiming that “ugly” is built into self-esteem issues, built into not thinking too highly of your own worth, built into dating people who aren’t good for you, is not a good way to encourage people toward self-confidence. Teaching them that they can find happiness by themselves, and define their own worth without anyone’s input, is a much better solution.