Dating : “Last Kiss, Last Hug, Last Handshake”: Government To Impose Dire Social Restrictions To Fight Virus

Stricter COVID-19 measures will make it impossible for the bride to kiss the groom…and you can forget about sex

Got a wedding, birthday party, or other celebratory social event planned for the weeks ahead? Well, forget about physical contact—that isn’t happening.

According to a leaked government memo, tougher COVID-19 measures will go into effect next week for social gatherings of one or more persons. Here are seven of the new contamination-controlling pandemic directives. Take heed and prepare:

1. ANKLE TAPS ONLY: Hugs are gone forever. So is the cheek peck, fist bump, high five, and elbow whack. Kissing? Forget about it. When you meet friends and family in the future, only a brief leg extension, followed by an ankle tap, will be permitted. Tap gently when encountering anyone over 80 to prevent an emergency room visit.

2. TELEDATING ONLY: By government decree, romance is now relegated to the small screen. First dates will be conducted as downloadable experiences. And one-night stands will be replaced by “one-night sits”… from behind separate screens in remote locations.

3. SERVE 70-PROOF ALCOHOL (OR HIGHER) ONLY: If you’re drinking spirits at a social gathering instead of bleach (a presidential preference), then you must brew your own 70-proof grain alcohol, preferably from corn. This will kill even the most crafty corona microbes. If you don’t have a moonshine still in your backyard, or a cornfield, you must break open a bottle of turpentine and share—remember, we’re all in this together.

4. PROTECTIVE GEAR MUST INCLUDE TIP-TO-TOE CELLOPHANE WRAP: Breathing on or near others is not permissible for the foreseeable future. Prevent airborne viruses from traveling between you and others by applying a full body covering of Saran Wrap. If you are an individual undertaking this cellophane swaddling process alone, spread the wrap on the floor, lie down, and use the fruit roll-up technique to complete application. While wrapped, walk slowly and breathe shallowly.

5. RESTRICT HOST GIFTS TO OXIMETERS, THERMOMETERS AND HANDMADE FACEMASKS: Some early COVID symptoms can’t be detected without a high-quality oximeter or thermometer. And, in today’s world, these are the only appropriate, as well as government-approved, gifts. You may also bring handmade, cloth face masks as party presents—but no N-95 masks as truly effective personal protective equipment is reserved by FEMA for redistribution to the First Family.

6. AL FRESCO GATHERINGS NOW MANDATORY: All assemblies must be held OUTDOORS. If you’re the host, use rubber gloves to usher all attendees to a porch, side yard, or adjacent parking lot where the dangers of “close quarters” contagion can be mitigated. If it is a sunny day, roll back your tent or tarp and line guests up in single file to face the sun. Ultraviolet rays have been shown to be effective in killing the virus. Forego sunscreen—it’s too late for that.

7. FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATIONS MUST NOW BE HELD BACK-TO-BACK: Aerosolized coronavirus shed from the mouth is lethal, making one-on-one conversations particularly high-risk. That is why your government is outlawing all face-to-face chats and in-person meetings, conversations, or consultations. Instead, upon meeting, turn your back to your acquaintance duel-style, walk three paces (for a total of six feet of separation), and start talking. If this position feels awkward, then simply stay at home and use your cellphone to call your friend, colleague, first date, or family relation.

These new restrictions go into effect on May 1st. The government advises that Americans use the coming week to “…fully enjoy your last kiss, last hug, and last handshake.”

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