Dating : Masculine and Feminine Energy in Dating and Relationships

The dating and relationship struggles of the modern-day woman living in a “boss-babe” culture.

This article is for the go-getter women who have their career, business, and money together but haven’t met their love match.

This article is for you if you hear the “I don’t need no man” battle cry and intellectually agree but deep inside you really want one.

This article is for you if you’re in your 30’s or even early 40’s and you’ve been seriously reflecting on your love life.

In today’s modern times, women are ridiculously impressive. We are in an age where women are advancing in male-dominated fields, women are starting side hustles that turn into six or seven figure businesses, women are kicking ass, owning homes, and looking good while they do it. I’m all for women empowerment. I absolutely love celebrating women. *Alexa, play Run the World (Girls) by Beyoncé.* I have noticed, though, that this time has brought about some unique challenges in the area of dating and relationships for the single woman living in a boss-babe culture.

In talking with single women in their 30’s and early 40’s, they confirm the very same struggles.

The Feminine and Masculine Dance in Dating

Today, it’s completely acceptable for a woman to ask a man out. I’m not against it.

I met my boyfriend on Bumble and naturally, I messaged first. The conversation flowed really well from there and he asked me some genuinely engaging and surprising questions. We continued messaging and after a couple days, he asked me on a date. It was right before Christmas in 2018 and I still had to buy presents for my family. I personally felt like it would be too much pressure to meet a potential love interest (and currently a stranger) two days before Christmas.

I wanted to hear his voice to see if I’d be attracted to him. (I had a rule that I wouldn’t go out on a first date with someone from online without hearing his voice first. In all my experience, plenty of bad dates can be avoided that way and time is valuable!) So I declined our date with a warm voice message saying I still had Christmas shopping to do and asked if we could get together after the holidays. I also said in a flirty way, I’d love to hear your voice. He responded back with a voice message and it gave me the butterflies. His voice was warm, inviting, and he had a slight North Carolina accent. OOOf, he’s a keeper, I texted my friend.

Anyway, then the dating dance began. You know, the time and space in between dates. I was hooked when I heard his voice, but I also knew I hadn’t met him yet and there was a long time between now to when we can see each other. I had plans to go out of town for New Year’s Eve. He could totally disappear between that time.

In my coaching, I help women master their energy in the dating dance. This stage in getting to know someone is so important.

So anyway, I let go of any expectations and trusted in my worth. I am worth waiting for. I am worth getting to know. I am unique and there is no one else like me.

In the next week or so, we kept in touch with spaces of time in between.

He sent a message saying he was surfing in Venice, I let him know I was headed to Vegas for New Year’s Eve. He wished me a Merry Christmas and sent me a photo of him trying on a donkey onesie from Target that he was planning to wear to a onesie Christmas party. I sent him a photo of me wearing reindeer antlers. In all our interactions, I always felt met, reciprocated, pursued, and considered. But there are still no guarantees. More days passed, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d hear from him again. Fast forward to December 30th. Somehow, he remembered I was in Vegas and wished me a fun trip. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I landed in San Diego around 10AM on January 1st, 2019. The first thing I wanted to do was go to hot yoga to stretch and sweat after the plane ride. I texted him to see what he was up to, in my mind, hoping he was free to take class with me. He was free! I essentially asked him out on our “first date”. I felt the spark between us as we practiced yoga next to each other in class. The connection seemed so strong to me, I wondered if anyone around us could feel it too.

All this to say, there is an absolute masculine and feminine energy dance once you meet someone. There’s a yin and yang. A give and take. A flow. Pursue and respond. Give and receive. It’s not a gender or male/female thing. It’s more about the exchange of energy.

The problem some women face is when they take on so much of the masculine energy, moving the relationship forward, and the beautiful and exciting energy dance has no space to occur. An insecure text comes through saying “when can I see you again?” or a triple text is sent for fear of never hearing from the guy again.

When women take it solely upon themselves to move the relationship forward, a disconnect happens, the attraction halts, and things likely fizzle out. Why? It’s not even about the three texts. It’s all about the energy, thoughts, and beliefs about herself in that moment.

I’ve seen situations where women have taken on this role in the early stages of dating and in those situations, I observed the guy go from absolutely interested and invested, to going completely cold on her.

Has that happened to you?

Sometimes, single women today are so used to pushing their career, business, and goals forward, they end up taking the same approach in their dating life.

It’s a delicate, complex dance.

Slowing Down Enough to Prioritize Love in the First Place

The modern-day single woman is busy (pre-pandemic, even busier). Time is this mysterious thing that just keeps going. With all the excitement in her life, sometimes relationships get put on the backburner. I’m a believer in the phrase, “what you focus on grows”.

For the single woman looking for the relationship of their dreams, my main recommendation is to slow down. Way down.

Live a leisurely pace of life when possible.

Why?

Your soul will be able to breathe. You’ll be able to dream. To hope. To imagine. You’ll have space, in your mind and in your heart. You’ll gain clarity. You’ll reflect. You’ll pamper yourself. You will feel good. You’ll dance. You will explore your creativity again. These are all ways to shift into the feminine energy you so long for.

Whether there are any romantic prospects in your life, shifting and prioritizing the energy of love will open the door to miracles in your life.

If your mental vision board is all about goals, career, money, property, and travel, maybe allow yourself to feel into your future partnership. The kind of shared goals you both will have. How you would integrate him into your life. How much value and joy he could bring to your life and you to him.

I know this may seem far off in your mind, especially since we’re still in a global pandemic and you maybe haven’t been on a date in ages. Allow yourself to go there.

Finding a Partner as Successful as You

The more educated and successful you become, the smaller the dating pool becomes if you seek someone with the exact same credentials as you. The following may be an unpopular opinion but stay with me. The unicorn man who has never been married, has no kids, makes multiple six or seven figures, 6 foot tall and up, model good looks, would never cheat, doesn’t have exes, has all the free time to devote to you, and wants to have kids when you do, exists, yes, but this man is rare. No one is 100% perfect. We all have a past, we have all made choices that have led to the life we now lead.

What if he had all the qualities on your list, but he’s currently unemployed due to COVID-19?

What if he’s your dream guy but he has been married before, he’s done the healing work from his past, and he has so much love to give?

Relationships are a complex thing. People are not static. We change, we grow, and we learn. Situations aren’t clean.

I always think about Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s relationship and what they have publicly shared about it. She found a partner as successful as her. She was a top model and he was a star quarterback. But there was still a thing. I’m not sure what the timelines were and if any boundaries were crossed here, but he started dating Gisele and soon found out he was expecting a child with his ex Bridget Moynahan. Complicated. I know this is like the most extreme/celebrity example, haha, but if you were to just think of them as real humans, that’s quite something to experience for every party involved. Fast forward to today, Tom and Gisele are still married, with kids, and he now plays for the Buccaneers. Crazy.

Life is messy. Life is real. Things happen.

What does this look like for you?

I myself have been in situations where I was so into a guy for his career and financial prospects, but he would only spend time with me when it was convenient for his schedule, or when he was in town. Not the best way to grow an equal, teammate-based partnership.

Flip that to you. Are you only available when your schedule allows or that one week in the month when you feel hormonal and feel like you actually want someone around?

There’s a lot to think about here.

The Competition for Power and Influence

Once you are in a relationship, the battle begins. *Cue b-roll of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen.* Just kidding, it’s not that kind of battle but sometimes it does feel like it.

In dating and relationships, for it to work, each person must be willing to accept influence from the other. Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and expert on divorce prediction and marital stability, writes about this a lot.

I’ve experienced both. In my last relationship that ended, that person displayed feelings of contempt and criticism, two of the four horsemen that Gottman states are predictors of divorce.

Because of the toxic atmosphere of our relationship, no positive influence was being exerted on the other. I was walking on eggshells, anxious and worried I’d be criticized over something I said or did.

Fast forward to the relationship I’m in now, we both openly and freely influence each other in small and big ways, and it feels so safe, nurturing, and loving.

One day, I sent my boyfriend a photo of my breakfast. I made overnight chia seeds and oats soaked in almond milk. I poured myself a bowl of it and added blueberries, dairy-free vanilla bean yogurt, and coconut shavings on top. I walked down to the beach with a friend and left him the key to my place for him to join us at the beach later. He texted saying “Yum! that looks so good.”

An hour or so later, I get a photo from him of the exact same breakfast! He made it for himself and said it was the best breakfast ever. He later joined us at the beach and was so sweet to inflate our paddleboard so we can all use it that day.

It’s such a small thing but it truly made me so happy and I felt so incredibly loved and seen in that moment.

On a more serious level, we’ve influenced each other in the way we look at finances, debt, and investing. We’re both constantly sharing ideas from workouts we’re doing to places we’d love to visit one day.

I say a prayer of gratitude every day for him.

Choose a partner who you can influence and is willing to be influenced by you and vice versa.

There is a certain level of respect and care that needs to be present for a true partnership to happen.

Wanting to Be Taken Care of At the End of the Day

At the end of the day, boss-babes want to be taken care of too. Maybe some don’t. But I know a majority do.

After all the conquering women do in the marketplace, I am certain they want a cozy space to land on. The arms and chest of a loving man who can hold then through their tears, fears, and struggles.

So why all the armor, then?

Why be so guarded in dating? Why be so competitive when you’re getting to know a guy? Why all the rough edges?

I know one reason.

It’s the fear of getting hurt. The fear of rejection.

It’s as if somehow acting tough can mask the hurt that inevitably comes when you put your heart out there.

Not every date leads to another. That guy that seems so promising sometimes isn’t the one.

If you want to be cherished, pursued, loved on, and nurtured, you must soften into it.

It’s not a sign of weakness.

In fact, it’s a sign of strength.

There’s a very somatic way to know whether you are armoring your heart.

There’s a resonance that happens in your heart center and your core center, the space of intuition and gut feelings.

Practice softening into your feelings and letting your intuition lead the way. If you are too anxious to let this happen, seek a guide or coach who can help you live more in your body rather than your mind.

I’ve seen so many women go into dating fully in their heads and thoughts rather than living presently in their body.

This way of operating in a woman repels a guy who also operates in his masculine energy as he strategizes, leads, and directs his life.

So many women want a guy who can lead but they can’t soften into being led.

It’s such a big shift.

Once you become aware of it, you’ll know what needs to change.

Knowing What You Want Yet Meeting Men Who Don’t

I’ve heard many women say, I know what I want, I just keep meeting men who don’t.

What I would say back, in love and honesty, is that the current reality is a mirror of what’s inside.

While someone can say they know what they want, there’s still something that isn’t fully aligning.

Maybe, deep down, there’s still an underlying belief that it will never happen.

There’s resistance to being fully loved as they are.

There are dominant beliefs about their worthiness or the inevitable problems and conflicts that come up in relationships and why things never work out.

There are deep feelings of being flawed and broken.

If someone were to really play it out, you attract the love that you’re ready for.

Anytime you start to lament about the matches you encounter, gently hold up a mirror to yourself, studying what limiting beliefs may be running the show.

That Darn Biological Clock

Lastly, a struggle that only women in their 30’s and early 40’s go through, is thinking about their childbearing years and whether having biological children is still in the cards for them.

This can be one of the most heartbreaking situations to go through but not one without hope or redemption.

The are unique challenges a woman faces in dating and relationships the older she gets.

Timelines can seem devastatingly impossible or improbable.

All I have to share here is if you’re feeling sad and down because this is your reality, I am here for you. I have so much empathy and love for you.

The words I write exist to give you hope and to renew a sense of possibility in you.

There’s no fighting what is.

There is grace and serenity.

There is acceptance and evolution.