Dating : Mistakes Worth Making

Don’t know if you’ve ever carried the weight of having strong feelings for someone in silence, but I believe the weight of keeping those feelings unsaid, is far heavier than the yearning to have them reciprocated, it leads us to serve our emotions to slavery. It’s mind blowing, the kind of power that our hearts can render to others without our slightest consent and although it is clear to us that we aught to walk away from someone, we continuously run back to them, like an addiction. Yes, I fell hard and had my little heart broken by a man who will perhaps never know it, but the paramount lesson it taught me, made it worth every tear.

I can’t give too many details of how we met, for the sake of keeping his identity private, but I can remember that day so vividly. As I sat in the crowd waiting for him to arrive, I noticed the women that normally attend this event, were overly dressed this time. They were wearing heels, low cut tops and jeans a little tighter than usual. Here I was, sick with Strep throat, wearing raggedy jeans and a T-shirt with my dirty hair wrapped in a bun. I had no idea who I was about to meet.

When he walked into the place, I then understood why all the women were so dressed up. Apparently, they knew the eye candy that he was. The moment I saw him, I was immediately taken back. In my lifetime, there had only been 1 other man who had that kind of affect on me. Physically, he was exactly what I liked and always wanted. As he began speaking to the crowd, my heart melted more and more like little Olaf dancing around in a sauna.

We never spoke that night; I couldn’t gather the courage to go up to him. He was already being bombarded with a line of women waiting to introduce themselves to him so I didn’t see a point in doing so. I left the event that night feeling a little sad, and I’m embarrassed to say this, but I promised I’d be brutally honest and spill all the beans here, so as silly as it sounds, the truth is I shed a tear on my way home that night (stupid I know) but in my defense, the reason for tears was that in my 33 years of life, this was only the second time that I had ever met a man to fit the exact criteria of what I desired in a man, and I knew that I could never have him. The dichotomy of the different worlds we lived in was just too vast. Every guy I’ve met up until this point has been nothing but heartaches. So seeing a man who had all the qualities I’ve always wanted and knowing that we can never be, almost made me frustrated thinking why is it so hard to find a man like that? What’s a woman have to do these days in order to find love? Love just seems to get closer to extinction, the older I become. So anyway, this is why I shed a tear or two. Don’t judge!

Little did I know, we would connect through social media that same night. I began following his page and he sent me a message in return. As time went by, we actually talked on the phone and began texting, but then our texts became more flirtatious and eventually started turning more into dirty talk than anything else. The man was hot, I couldn’t help it, okay! The first phone conversation was the best, he opened up about some tough personal situations he was going through at that time. I loved his vulnerability and that he confided enough in me to tell me those things, but the more he did, the deeper I connected and fell for him.

I knew that I was in trouble and if I continued talking to him I would be sinking myself deeper. So I asked him that it’s best we stop all communication. He agreed to do so, but that didn’t last very long. Although we stopped talking for some time, I thought about him every day. I genuinely wondered how he was doing, how he was feeling, It killed me to care so much for someone who I couldn’t talk to, but I knew that I was doing what was best for me and that eventually time would heal and it did. As time went by, I just accepted what was and let go. Well fast-forward to 5 months later, I was waking up next to him in bed.

He was in town for a quick trip and we decided to meet for dinner, this was the first time I was seeing him since I first saw him at that event. We were supposed to just hang out, but of course the night led to more. What I felt for that man was more powerful than every ounce of my being that yelled “Don’t do it”. We’re humans and we long to feel wanted, we long for affection, for someone’s tender touch. It had been over a year since I had felt a man’s touch and just looking at his eyes melted me to my core so needless to say I had lost all kind of self-control and gave in. See this is where the problem is, our emotions! They tend to cancel out all logic, they don’t reason, they don’t make sense, they just overpower all rationality to where you loose all self-control.

So after I spent that night with him, I’d like to say that I was on cloud nine, but no, It was the complete opposite. The punitive guilt that I felt afterwards, knowing that I gave myself to a man who felt nothing for me, was far greater than the weight of the feelings I was bottling up inside. It killed my ego, but I do not blame him in any way whatsoever. I don’t think he was at fault for anything. The only one who I was upset and disappointed with was myself. The man will go as far as the woman allows him to go and like the old verse says, “One with no self control is like a city broken into and left without walls”.

After that night he went back to his side of the country and I stayed feeling torn, mad at myself, and with the broken pieces that I now had to figure out how to put back together. I think the pain of regret is what hurt the most, regretting giving myself to someone who felt nothing for me. I was still a little optimistic hoping that at least he’d send an “it was nice meeting you” or “hope to see you again some day” text, but those texts never came and again, that’s okay, I don’t blame him, we can’t tell our hearts what to do, one can’t force themselves to feel something they simply don’t.

So here’s where the moral of the story begins, Instant gratification! it can lead one to many bad decisions in life, self-stagnation, and detrimental behaviors that slowly deteriorate us and steers us away from self evolvement. On the other hand, learning delayed gratification or self-restraint is a virtue! Mastering it can be the greatest investment you ever make. Plato said it best, “Self-restraint is not only vital to an individual’s flourishing, but the cornerstone of a strong society”.

I’ll give you an example, if you are on a diet trying to loose 20lbs before for your sister’s wedding , but you see a delicious piece of cake sitting in front you, your innate desire is to give in to that urge and eat that cake right there and then. You may feel great at the moment, but you will feel guilty afterwards because you know there are consequences to eating that cake. Delayed gratification on the other hand, is the art of withstanding temptation for your own good. It is telling yourself that although you want that cake right now, it is best to not give in to that desire for the sake of reaping the benefits of loosing the 20lbs. I’ve come to learn that THIS is a key ingredient to success in many areas of our lives, delaying satisfying our needs right now for the sake of reaping better results later on can be one of our most powerful weapons that one can master.

I’ll harp on that more later, but now back to the story, so you would think I learned my lesson the first time and never did it again right? Well fast forward to another 5 months, work took me to his state and he offered for me to spend a night at his place. Well guess what my incredibly strong, intelligent self did? (Sarcasm at it’s best) Yep! There I went, running into his arms or should I say bed? only this time I had every guard around my heart working overtime, it was all hands on deck, fortifying the endless high walls I had built around my heart for those 5 months. I had worked so hard on myself to where all that pain had finally healed; only problem now was that those scars had hardened me. I had become cold as ice and completely oblivious to what I once felt for him. I felt nothing, I now perceived love as nothing more than one’s greatest weakness. When I saw him again, I couldn’t be myself around him, I couldn’t open up, all the walls and barbed wire I had piled up around my heart were so massive that I could barely even have a conversation with him. I would talk to him like a robot, super short and straight to the point. I was fighting with everything in me to not allow myself to fall or much worse, have sex with him again, but I had not been with any other man since the last time I was with him so I already knew I was walking on thin ice.

Well, obviously I ended up giving myself to him again. I was strong the first night, but the next morning he began softly caressing my body, and just feeling his arm around me completely dismantled every thought that again said “You dumb shit! Don’t do it”. Later that morning I began feeling a little bit of that old guilt feeling again. They say old habits die-hard right? He knew something was upsetting me so we briefly discussed it and just promised we wouldn’t do anything later that night which was the last night I was spending with him. Weeell needless to say, that went down the drain quick. I again lost all self control and gave in, but that’s how I knew that although I had become perhaps too cold and too guarded, all the work I had done on myself those last 5 months had made me grow a little, because that guilt feeling that killed me the first time, and tried creeping in again that morning, was now gone. In fact, it was the complete opposite. In the past, I had not enjoyed any of the times with him, I would be too caught up with my feelings, but this last night, I enjoyed every bit of it. He just had a way with his lips, with the way he held me by my waist, how he softly caressed my skin with such a manly passion. His kisses made my entire body quiver. Needless to say, I went to sleep one happy girl that night.

So was I upset at myself again the next day? No! I felt like million bucks! but it did open my eyes to realize what the real problem had been the whole time, it was that famous concept of self restraint or delayed gratification. I realized it wasn’t about being strong enough because I had worked hard at becoming cold so that I would be “strong enough” and clearly that didn’t work, but rather what would’ve made a difference would’ve been fortifying the ability to delay that gratification for the sake of preventing heartache and regret later on.

I began studying this concept and really digging deep and came across a man named Walter Mischel who was a psychologist at Harvard and Stanford. He conducted a study called “The Marshmallow Test” This study depicted the real importance and consequences of self-restraint. In the study, they presented preschoolers with a marshmallow and told them that they could either have this one marshmallow right now or decline it and wait till later tonight and they would be rewarded with 2 marshmallows instead. This study found that the ones who resisted and did not have the one marshmallow in order to get the other 2 later, showed to be self reliant, confident, healthier, happier, succeeded in academics, and were more financially stable throughout their life. On the other hand, the ones who did not resist the initial marshmallow, showed to be indecisive, disorganized, experienced issues with either drug abuse or jail time and were easily frustrated. Mischel traveled around the world testing this theory in different cultures and societies and each time the result was almost the exact same.

Mischel believed this concept to be like a muscle, the more we exercise it, the more we can develop it and master it. I believe that a great strategy that can facilitate foregoing temptation is finding a barrier or a “why” that can enhance one’s ability to delay that gratification. Many times, that barrier or “why” is just simply focusing on the prize, reminding ourselves of why it is crucial to not give in to that sudden urge. In my case I realized my “why” was to prevent another heartache and the feeling of regret from giving myself to a man who did not feel anything for me. So If I ‘d stopped to really focus and remind myself of this, perhaps I would’ve been stronger and had better self-restraint. Everything changes when one finds their “why”. Curving our impulses not only builds our character, but also spares us from paying the price for our bad choices, it protects our future selves from the long-term consequences.

This is just an example of why I’m harping on this concept so much, but it was my experience with this guy, that forced me to dig deep, analyze the situation, and find the root problem. I can only tell you my story and hope that it helps you find the value in it too, but I know that sometimes we must make mistakes ourselves in order for us to learn our own lesson from it. Many times, when we make mistakes we tend to beat ourselves up, but that’s exactly why some mistakes are worth making. There is beauty in this “beating ourselves up” phase. It is in this phase where we become so frustrated with ourselves, that we become desperate to rectify the mistake and that desperation forces one to dig deep and in it’s during that “digging deep” where they find the lesson to be learned. And yes, like in my case, sometimes it takes making the same mistake twice in order to learn. As the motivational speaker, Jay Shetty said, “Lessons in life will be repeated until they’re learned” and that is okay because one can only fall so many times before they discern and begin to avoid the cause.

I think that If I would’ve spent those five months working on this concept instead of just building up walls, becoming cold, perhaps I would’ve been able to resist him the next time, which would’ve kept me from being so indifferent to him to where I couldn’t even have a conversation nor be myself around him. It’s kind of like a domino effect. Perhaps we could’ve actually become good friends, who knows. These are all just “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” but isn’t that the beauty of them though? It’s not that we make mistakes, but rather they make us, they are what truly assign us as students of life.

I believe this is why there are so many disastrous relationships out there because many times, people jump from one relationship to another or go from one heartbreak to another without stopping to analyze what really happened, they don’t accept their faults and neglect putting in the work in themselves to fix the areas that need improvement so that they are not faced with the same conflicts again. That’s why I always say one’s greatest investment is working on becoming the best version of themselves. Strengthening our capabilities of self-restraint and having a “why” behind it, can be a force strong enough to pull someone through many tough situations in life when other character traits won’t suffice.

Without knowing, this man gifted me the discovery of a character trait that I never knew could be such a powerful tool in life and for that I’ll always be grateful to him. I look back at that small chapter of my life with warmness in my heart and appreciation. Through his tender touch, that man awoke all my senses again and led me to allow myself to open up to love again. Prior to him, I was just so goal driven and focused on going after my dreams, that I had become indifferent to love and dating, depriving myself from a man’s affection. Thanks to him, I tore down those walls and found myself again. He is now just a beautiful memory who allowed my heart to feel what it’s like to have pure and genuine strong feelings for someone. I now look forward to one day, finding someone who feels for me those same beautiful feelings I once had for him. It’s amazing how every person and situation that we come across in our lives, tends to have a reason and a purpose that perhaps we may only discover once we choose to dig deep and become true students of life, discerning the lesson to be learned in everything.