Dating : Morality Wrestling

Jared and Amanda step into the ring, shake hands, bow at one another, and then curtsy at one another as well, both in the recycled toilet-paper outfits provided by Smudge, the tournament sponsor.

As is customary, they both motion for the other person to start, Amanda offering that it must be difficult on his back to wait since he’s taller than her, Jared replying that he’s been the unconscious beneficiary of male privilege for so many years that it’s only ethical for him to defer an advantage here.

Understanding this to be true, Amanda begins with the simple pawn-out opener of drinking water and then placing the empty bottle in a recycling bin.

The spotlight shifts to Jared, who parries by unclipping from a carabiner on his waist a bottle that’s made of recycled polyester by impoverished kids in Brazil receiving a $30 minimum wage, underscoring that by drinking the bottle Amanda rewarded companies that create plastic, the audience oohing approval.

Stakes raised, Amanda whistles for her two-legged one-eyed mutt that she adopted last year to hobble into the ring, giving it a treat made from organic, locally sourced vegetables that costs more than all of the groceries she buys for herself, rubbing the dog on the head, Lassi’s tongue-out smile melting the audience, converting the oohs into one large “awwweeee”.

Undeterred, Jared wheels in a paraplegic transsexual male from the audience, dropping down on one knee, and asking him to marry him even though he himself is heterosexual, the audience clapping when the machine that speaks for the chair-bound man replies, “Yes. This. Is. My. Dream. Come. True.”

Amanda stymies the positive glow on Jared by reacting quickly, volunteering to be a surrogate for an endangered white rhinoceros embryo, thus risking her life to ensure the species lives on for one more generation, the response a standing ovation with a smattering of whistles.

Waiting respectfully for the audience to quiet down, Jared takes a deep breath and does all that’s left for him to do: He takes the pocket knife made of recycled metal that’s hanging from a carabiner on his belt, unsheathes it, and slits his own throat, recognizing that to be born a white male is to be born evil, thus the best thing he can do for humanity is not exist. The audience throws their hats in the ring, except for Jared’s new fiancée, who erupts into tears.

Amanda has but one recourse, and she waits for the hat-boys to clear the ring before taking it: Wheeling in recycled wood that produces methane-less smoke, lying down on it, and using flint to create a flame, underscoring that the best thing for the poor trees that humans massacre for kindling is for humans to no longer exist, meanwhile underscoring that Jared killed himself in a non-conscientious way, as her remains might be used as fertilizer immediately while his will require years-and-years to decay before participating in rebirth.