h2>Dating : Not Every Woman Over 40 Is Desperate For A Man
Because life runs deeper than sex and co-dependency for us.
Recently, during an interview I heard the 45 year-old actress, Jill Marie Jones, who played the career woman husband hunting Toni Childs on the sitcom GIRLFRIENDS in the early 2000’s, share something that made me slow clap, and motion “yasssss” in front of my TV screen.
She shared a brief story about how a man told her “you must be sad that you’re not married yet” and she replied, “what makes you think that’s the goal?.”
Jones went on to offer that she has had several successful romantic relationships in her life.
Essentially riffing on the idea that successful relationships must result in marriage.
For those of us that are 40 and up who agree with her, we are shucking the societal standards.
Rules if you will, really.
Meet man, fall in love, plan your life around his promises to you, get married, grow old, die.
Obviously, intellectually many of us would argue: that script is so played out.
Many women have begun to embrace what living out our lives in alignment and personal power can look like if we are on an “un-traditional path.”
However, men are clearly not getting the memo.
I think it boils down to this:
The dreams, desires, and destiny around agency, that an increasing number of women are unconditionally following, doesn’t benefit men.
And the misters are mad about it.
There, I said it.
The idea of our existence, less alone our fulfillment in life, not being reliant upon them challenges an embedded sexist belief around their value as men.
Of course, that is a toxic mindset.
Men hold a world of possibilities to display their worth that goes beyond bread winning, eight minute sex, fatherhood, workaholism, and surface level machoism to women.
But this is the joy of being a woman in her 40’s: I know that is not my problem.
That is a man problem. One for them to unpack and work through.
I have come to that resolve because in 2020 it’s truly donned on me how much men truly believe that every woman 40 and up is desperate for a man.
Granted, the careless antics of many men is also rampant with bright eyed secret BRIDES subscription 29 year-olds.
Because they think ALL women, regardless of age, hunger for the same outcome in life.
I’m just certain that it’s even worse so if you are over 40.
That our existence is meaningless if we don’t get turned on by unsolicited dick pics, and reply with eggplant and peach emojis.
That us ladies deep down vehemently detest Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” — what an affront to our true desires, men must think.
That if we get asked to be the 44 year-old bridesmaid for the ninth time in the past decade, we are going to passively aggressively fulfill our duties.
This has never been more blatant to me then now as a single childless educated 40 year-old divorced woman.
Since turning 40 I have briefly dated one man (pre-Covid-19) and engaged in potentially dating another this past summer.
*A 51 year-old in finance who farted a lot when he didn’t think I was in ear shot.
*A 49 year-old in consulting who never drank water and had no idea what spirituality was.
With man number one I remember the moment I knew it was time to break ties.
One stormy morning I sent him a text message letting him know that I would have loved for him to have checked on me to see if I made it to work safely.
Trust me, it was a kind and brief message.
It ended with me sharing that I’d love to chat with him about it when we see each other again.
About six hours later he texted me back telling me that I was being manipulative and that he is working “a lot” right now and can’t text back right away.
Now, in the few weeks that we dated he asked me to move in with him on day 14 and offered to support me financially (I told him “ummm, no, it’s kinda too soon for that fella”), but now all of sudden me asking for him to send a courtesy text was “too much.”
I emotionally disconnected from him at that moment.
Out of curiosity I agreed to see him again about five days later.
At this point I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that in those five days his communication was spotty at best and mostly stone-walled in nature.
When we did meet up, he didn’t make a single effort to brace the elephant in the room.
If it was up to him we would have just eaten our Thai food and listened to British Reggae on his couch, as he talked in circles, before trying to wiggle his hands up my sweater.
However, I wasn’t going to let him muzzle out of this.
I brought up my grievance, and he essentially told me, “I can’t believe a 40 year-old woman needs someone to check up on her all the time.”
Blown away by his aggression, lack of compassion and tenderness, I told him I was hurt by his reaction which he further weaponized against me as being too emotional, I left and never saw him again.
Him using my age as a talking point to justify his emotional immaturity and unavailability didn’t surprise me but it did sting. Especially considering that this was a man that had made no short of 99 compliments on me having the body of a 24 year-old.
I walked away feeling that my value to that man was wrapped up in my appearance and perceived desire for a man to take care of me (financially).
But here’s the rub: At no point had I ever expressed to him that I had any desire for that level of codependency on a man. I even cheerfully told him that I was a happy and thriving single 40 year-old woman on our first date.
The 49 year-old during a ZOOM chat at about the second week of us getting to know each other said, “You’re a writer, with good credit, a savings account, and your own place, why are you single?”
It was definitely more of a statement than a question. Not even a rhetorical one.
He couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that some women choose to be single.
Even when we are accomplished and have a significant amount to offer a man by way of financial stability, mother/nurturing vibes, consistent delightful conversation, and sex.
The idea of me not being desperate to have a man, especially one such as him who made upwards of half a million a year and owned several real estate investment properties baffled him.
With men like me at her fingertips, why on earth would she choose to be single?
I could see him computing that question in his head as he was undressing me with his eyes.
I am also sure he surmised one of two things in that moment:
- I was bluffing and just trying to play hard to get
- I was a crazy emotionally unstable woman who was hiding it
That’s what men think when women 40 and up claim that we are not desperate for a man.
To a degree, I can’t blame men entirely for this.
Desperation is marketed to men and women alike.
All rom-coms must end with couple-hood.
Rap, rock, and country songs are flooded with messages of “he may be an ass-wipe who cheats but he’s your ass-wipe, hang in there.”
Books are written by men to teach women how to “keep” a man and if she can’t, she’s the problem (cringe-worthy YouTube channels are a winner-up).
Laws are set to provide married people with privileges that are not extended to single people.
It all leaves some women screaming, “I’ll take you as you are and I’ll make it work” and just as many men happily oblige.
However, it’s 2020 and in the sound wave of #metoo, it’s time for men to begin rationalizing that you must bring more to the table than six-figures, robotic sex, and chicken wings.
Men need to bring their authentic vulnerability, emotions, compassion, inner-peace, personal joy, balance, integrity, and TLC to the table.
And if you’re not there yet, then stop dating. Enjoy the services of masterful and enchanting sex workers. Leave grown mature women alone if you can’t bring the above.
Confident and sexy 40 and up women are not afraid to walk away.
We don’t need to endure the ways of a workaholic man who doesn’t make his mental health a priority and primarily covets his own self-interests in a relationship, just to say, I GOTTA MAN.
Life is too short to waste it on too many men that don’t fully SEE US.
And life is also too precious to base our intrinsic value as women on being coupled.
Self-fulfillment looks different for so many women today, it’s awe inspiring.
For some it means being a Mother over a Wife.
For some it means being neither.
For some it means getting married one day.
For some it means cohabitation.
For some it means being together, but living apart.
For some it means polyamory.
For some it means career and a fuck buddy.
For some it means career, motherhood, marriage.
For some it means none of the above.
But for the sake of Baby Jesus, men oh men, please stop assuming that all women 40 and up are desperate for a man.
Partnership, sure. But just a man and nothing else, no sir.
Craving to see us 40-ish gorgeous babes celebrated? Join the BEING 40-ISH List! My Thursday round up of the best interviews, books, articles, podcasts, films, and shared wisdom from us lady GEN X-ERS. I also share the good and the bad of my journey as a confident 40-ish woman finally pursuing all of her dreams. YASSSSSSS! Click HERE.
Cholia Johnson is a Health & Culture Journalist, Thought Leadership Copywriter, and almost Novelist. Follow her on Twitter or LinkedIn.
Sources:
Cast of ‘Girlfriends’ Reunite For The First Time To Set The Record Straight On Why The Show Ended -The Breakfast Club
The Growing Power of Single People In 10 Important Trends -Bella DePaulo Ph.D., Psychology Today
What If The Secret To A Good Relationship Is To Stop Being Afraid of Being Single -Shani Silver, MEDIUM
