Dating : Relationship Eugenics

When my boyfriend and I started dating two years ago I remember an early conversation in which he was sharing some of his frustrations of his previous relationships.

“ I don’t feel like it’s hard to be with me. I explain to people I am dating exactly how I am and what I need them to do and they just can’t do it.”

“Give me an example,” I say.

“Well, like if they say they want to do something like start exercising, I do my best to encourage them and help them go to the gym and tell them how sexy they are looking. But then after a couple of times, they just stop. I need them to follow through with things.”

“Okay, first of all, I think you just described 85% of people’s relationship with the gym and second of all I’m not sure that’s how that works.”

“How do you mean?”

“People are who they are. You can’t say: I need you to do this and expect them to do it. I think you pick the person who does the things that are important to you. Otherwise what they are doing is a lie and it won’t last. So instead of dating someone who aspires to go to the gym, you date the person who is already going to the gym.”

I’m sure there was more back and forth to it. But that was my major takeaway. Months later when he was telling me how proud he was that I’d been “sticking to my exercise routine” I would smile and say thank you. But my brain was boiling with “I don’t go to the gym because of your encouragement! I worked out this much before I met you even if I don’t have the fitness model body to show it. I like cheese, okay?! Is that okay with you or is that in your list of rules? I can’t like cheese?” I may have been PMSing.

Relationship Reviews?

I’ve thought about it a lot since. Especially as we near the two year mark of this relationship. We’ve shaken all the bugs out at this point so to speak. I’m sure he’s still holding out a few bad habits or skeletons. Likewise I might be too. But we both know at this point what we are getting.

Should relationships have annual or biannual review process? Like, “I really like how responsive you are to my texts messages, but your phone time spent while we are at the dinner table I find both negligent and insulting. So, I’m going to need you to work on that.” I support a good review process.

Or do I? I cannot reconcile if it is fair to say to a partner I don’t like this part of who you are… please change it. Even if it’s a specific behavior, like, could you please put the dishes INSIDE the dishwasher instead of perched on the counter 2 inches above the inside of the dishwasher? Or do you accept that your partner is neither as neurotic about order as you are nor do they give two shits about where the dishes go?

Creating a Checklist

When faced with internet dating, I have joked in the past that I would like to create a checklist for each first date and my date must achieve a passing score to get to date number two. Should my date bring their own checklist, so be it! Let’s not waste one another’s time. Is this a good idea? Do we undermine ourselves by being too rigorous in our requirements? Or do we sabotage ourselves by not having careful standards and hitching our wagons to the wrong people? Is there a balance to unyielding credentials and passive nice-to-haves?

Is it fair to be upset with a partner who doesn’t write you love poems or birthday cards? I mean someone either does these things or they don’t. And are you better served by going out to find a new partner that does write you love poems AND birthday cards? Should we partner shop based on a checklist of criteria or do we just hope to make connections with people who strike our interest and imagination and figure it out from there? Is not having specific criteria for a partnership causing me repeated missteps? I do seem to have a type that is incongruous with who I am. With focus and determination are we able to willfully change what we are drawn to? Or will the heart always want what it wants? Or doe this just support the adage that the grass is always greener on the other side?

Playing Fair

Is it fair to ourselves or our partners to have rigorous standards and “rules” applied to our relationships? Are we denying ourselves and our partners the freedom and ability to become who we are? Perhaps our laundry lists of dos and don’ts says more about our own inner critics than it does of what we really expect in a loving relationship. Or maybe that’s me projecting.

I don’t know the answer. But I ask myself these questions over and over with the passing of each relationship. I have always leaned on the side of letting the spark build into a flame before throwing water at it until it dies. Maybe this has been the wrong approach. Or maybe every approach is doomed because we are flawed as all of our relationships tend to be.

In accepting that we are all flawed and optimistically the majority of us are still trying, the conclusion I have come to is this: I cannot ask for perfection from a person nor a relationship that I am in because I am not perfect myself. The best I can do is to keep playing with the relationship formula until I get it right. Whatever right might be for me. Rather than focusing on what my partner or relationship is lacking, I try to focus on where I am lacking and areas whereby I might improve. As I grow and I change and try to be a better, more centered person, the relationship will blossom or it will wither. But it won’t be because I did the right thing or the wrong thing. It will be because we did it together and are working towards the same goals. Or we didn’t and we decided our time together was up and hopefully thank each other for the love we had and the lessons we both learned a long the way. The only assurance we have at having a successful relationship is in building a relationship with ourselves that is loving, kind and forgiving and allows us success and misfirings along the way. If we keep working at that and reminding ourselves to work at that, I truly believe the love and success will carry us along this journey.