Dating : Setting boundaries in the bedroom

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to forming any relationship, our boundaries are crucial. Boundaries help us to protect our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. They also help us to communicate our expectations and what we want from other people. Too often, however, we forget to apply these boundaries to our intimate relationships. That’s often where they become most important, though — especially when it comes to what’s going on in the bedroom.

You have to set boundaries for yourself in the bedroom, and boundaries for your partner too. Before you can begin this process, though, you need to understand how your lack of boundaries can take a toll or cause you injury. Building stronger relationships doesn’t require us to give in to the wishes of our partners. It requires us to stand strong beside our needs and beliefs, and find a way to compromise our way into a better understanding of one another.

Boundaries are an important part of every single relationship we build, but they become especially important when it comes to our sexual expression. You have to communicate your intimate boundaries, then you have to stand strong beside them when you’re pushed or challenged. Before you can do that, however, you have to get clear on where your sexual boundaries lie — including the limitation you’re going to set for yourself.

Many of us think of boundaries as the stop signs we throw up whenever we’re asked to put in a few extra hours at work. While this is certainly an instance in which our boundaries become important, the same logic has to be applied to our marriages and intimate partnerships. Boundary lines are also important in the bedroom. Ignoring them? That can lead to major upset.

Any time to you fail to define and reinforce your boundaries, you leave yourself open to manipulation and abuse. It becomes especially dangerous when you stop setting limits for yourself (and your partner) in the bedroom. Do you allow your partner to call all the shots? Do you give in to their needs without even considering your own? It’s time to set sexual boundaries, but not without doing the groundwork first.

The boundaries we hold for ourselves around sex and sexuality are important, and it’s crucial that we extend these boundaries to our partners. Without letting them know where the lines lie, you can get pushed into places that are both painful and traumatizing. There’s real danger in avoiding boundaries in the bedroom, and these are just a few of them.

Feelings of degradation

Do you allow your partner(s) to dictate the terms of your sexual encounters? Do you get intimate on their schedules? Or feel as though you don’t have a right to say “no”? How do you feel afterward? Chances are you feel low on self-esteem and heavy on the shame and the guilt. When we give in to someone else sexually — while ignoring our own anxieties or discomforts — we blame ourselves and internalize a deep sense of shame and degradation.

Triggering trauma

Being pushed beyond the limits of your sexual comfort can lead to a triggering of past traumas, as well as the establishment of new (just as toxic) traumas that haunt your life for years to come. Perhaps such acts bring you back to painful moments in your past, or establish new fears that impact the way you see yourself and others. This type of trauma also impacts everything from your nervous system to your cognitive function.

Creating divides

Our sexual boundaries don’t just serve to protect our personal wellbeing, they also help us to protect our relationships and the bonds we share with one another. When you don’t give your partner any guidance through your limitations, they can push you places you don’t want to go. After the fact, you can find yourself simmering with a great deal of resentment; a resentment which is directed at both yourself and the person who was allowed to take advantage of you. Failing to set boundaries can create substantial divides in the long run.

Loss of pleasure

Have you completely lost your sense of pleasure and fun when it comes to sex? Do you see it as a chore, or something that you just have to “get through” on a regular basis? When you don’t set boundaries and give in to any and every sexual whim, that’s dumped on you, sex becomes an unenjoyable experience. That’s because it removes the intimacy and doesn’t allow you to establish any real space of your own within the experience.

Dangerous patterns

The sexual patterns and habits we establish for ourselves are important, and they can help guide and dictate the way we get intimate with our partners for the rest of our lives. Setting boundaries is an important part of this patterning process. When you fail to limit the access that other people have to your body (or you make it clear that you allow yourself to be pushed beyond) you set yourself up for dangerous patterns that dangerous people can and will take advantage of.

Loss of self

Do you feel like you don’t know who you are, or what you want in life? Has intimacy taken such a toll on your happiness, that you struggle to identify what brings you joy? These toxic cycles of boundary-less give-and-take eat away at your perception of self. The more you give over to someone else’s desires, the more separated you become from your own. Over time, you become a pale reflection of the people around you. And you can completely lose your identity and your authenticity too.

Off-kilter relationships

When we don’t set boundaries in our partnerships, we encourage off-balance power dynamics which (at their worst) can be dangerous and (at their best) frustrating. For example, maybe failing to set intimate boundaries creates a relationship in which every conflict or issue is resolved with sex. Little-by-little, this creates superficial, unhappy, and off-balance relationships in which you aren’t able to stay true to your needs.

Stagnation and boredom

If you never tell your partner “No,” or “I want something else,” nothing ever changes. Over time, this unsatisfying pattern of give-and-take will become boring and stagnant for all parties involved. You need variation in your sex life to keep it interesting. That starts with boundaries, though, and taking time to figure out what else we do and don’t like in the bedroom. As we build the fences along our wellbeing, we encounter different aspects of self which can enhance our relationships multidimensionally.

Obscuring the truth

Sex and physical intimacy are important components of romantic partnerships, but sex is a double-edged sword that — when used incorrectly — can obscure a lot of truths we need to pay attention to. If you and your partner have resorted to sex to settle all your fights, or if you use it as a substitute for opening up with one another — chances are you’re covering things up and putting your boundaries to the wayside in order to do it. Limits require honesty and facing up to reality in every respect.

Though you might be more comfortable sticking to your boundaries in the outside world, you have to get used to leaning into them when it comes to sexual intimacy as well. Rather than allowing yourself to be pushed around or traumatized, focus on your right to take up space and stand up for what you want.

1. Focus on your right to space

When we get caught up in a new relationship, we have a tendency to disappear within it; putting our needs to the side in an effort to please the other person. This, however, is a toxic way to live and can put you in some truly compromising positions. Your partner isn’t the only person who has a right to take up space in your relationship. You have a responsibility to defend your needs. In order to build stable and equal partnerships, you have to embrace this.

Know that you have a right to take up space in your relationship — be that in the outside world, or the bedroom. Within that space, you have a right (and a responsibility) to speak up for yourself and your needs. This includes your intimate needs and the things you want (and don’t want) sexually from your partners.

Accept the power that you hold. Accept the things that feel good and the things that you don’t want to do. Discover your feet within your partnership by standing firm in your own corner. Focus on being present in your body and your thoughts, and being broken with those things that make you feel uncomfortable, unloved, or powerless within your partnership.

2. Have honest conversations up front

While it would be nice for our partners to develop mind-reading abilities, that’s just not the case. In order to relay information to our spouses and loved ones, we have to be honest with them and verbalize our needs and emotions. This includes what happens behind the closed doors of the bedroom. Don’t assume your partner can tell what you like and don’t like. Communicate your boundaries with them and do it before you’re in the moment.

Be honest and upfront about your intimate needs, as well as where your limits and boundary lines lie. Rather than avoiding the conversation, have it early. After all, early on in the relationship things are good and it’s easier (if more awkward) to talk about things with a bit more detached understanding.

You need to be clear with one another before you have a chance to compromise one another’s needs. Waiting until you get into the heat of the moment will only increase the amount of pressure that you feel, while decreasing your ability to just say “no” or walk away. Sit down and communicate with only another explicitly and candidly. If you know what you like and don’t like — be clear about it from day one.

3. Say “no” more often (and with conviction)

When it comes to sexual intimacy, how often do you tell your partner no? When they suggest something new, are you generally open to it? Boundaries are pointless if we don’t enforce them. Among the many ways we go about doing this enforcement is saying “no” to the things we don’t like, or the things we don’t want to do. There’s a real power in saying no, and there’s real safety in it too. You have to stand beside your decisions, though.

Rather than giving in at your partner’s first request, give yourself some time and space to think things through. Create lists of pros and cons if you need to and really process any emotions you might hold around the moment. Make a hard and fast decision for yourself, then stand by it. Don’t like what’s going on? Say no and reinforce it by walking away.

You are not beholden to performing in the bedroom at another person’s whim. Their sexual desires belong to them, your sexual desires belong to you. In a healthy relationship, these will align and (with a little compromise) complement one another. In an off-balance or otherwise mismatched partnership, you might find yourself wanting to say “no” more often than you say “yes”.

4. Surround yourself with respectful people

The caliber of person we surround ourselves with is important and goes a long way to empower us or bring us down. When you surround yourself with people who love you, support you, and respect you — you’ll find a lot of the pressures around relationships dissolving. This is especially true when it comes to sexual intimacy. By ensuring that you’re investing your time and energy in someone who’s respectful of your boundaries, you can avoid a lot of heartache.

Stop putting your effort, energy and happiness into someone who doesn’t even respect who you are. To truly love someone doesn’t mean pushing them into pain, or beyond the limits of their rational comfort zone. Loving partners are those who cradle the limitations of their spouses as if they were their own.

You should empathize with your partner; when they feel anxious or sad, you should have the ability to understand their perspective. When we surround ourselves with truly supportive and compassionate people, we find that we don’t have to say “no” as often, or push ourselves outside of our boundary lines. Seek respectful and growth-minded people to fill your heart and your bed and you’ll learn how to find peace and sanctuary in your partnerships.

5. Know your sexual needs and limitations

It’s impossible to set boundaries for yourself sexually if you don’t know what your sexual needs and cut-offs are to begin with. While some of this knowledge comes naturally, some of it does only come through a lot of soul-searching and experimentation. You need to know what the lay of your sexuality is, and you need to know how your body works in regards to pleasure and intimate connection.

Aside from any partner or lover you have in your life, spend some time getting radically honest with yourself about what your intimate needs are. Look back at your previous sexual experiences and weigh them against where you’re at now. In your ideal relationship, what does a sexual experience look like? At what point do you start to become uncomfortable — and why?

If you tap into memories from your past that muddy up the waters, confront them. By working through painful experiences, we can often find resolutions for our current suffering or confusion. Don’t allow the opinions or needs of anyone else to direct you in this quest. Explore your sexual needs and limitations, and embrace them openly and honestly for what they are.

Our boundaries aren’t just important in our friendships or family connections, they’re important in our intimate relationships too. We have to set lines around our intimate limitations and stick to them with firm insistence. We all have a right to like what we like, but also have a right to say no when we aren’t comfortable. In order to do that, however, we have to figure out our boundaries and communicate them to one another.

Focus on your right to take up space in your relationship and use it to increase your courage and sense of self-esteem. We each have unique sexual needs, and we all have our moments of “not feeling it”. Embrace this knowledge and use it in honest and upfront conversations with any potential partners about where your boundary lines lie. Don’t shy from the truth. They have a right to their needs, but you are not required to fill them. If you don’t like something or you’re not in the mood, say so. Tell your partner “no” as frequently as you like, but never use it as a means to deny them or punish yourself. Beyond this, surround yourself with respectful people and respectful partners who don’t feel a need to push you further than you need to go. Know your sexual needs and limitations, and define them totally on your own terms. We all have lines that we’re not willing to cross, and the same goes for our time in the bedroom.