Dating : Sex Intimacy and the Lack Thereof

MR. POSTMAN: Reflecting on Giving and Receiving

I’ve taken it upon myself to revoke my rights to order from Amazon. In quarantine, retail therapy is enticing however, Jeff Bezos’ ethics are for the birds and I’ve been furloughed. Besides, the mailman has delivered my packages to the wrong address thrice. My birth father was the mailman. I’m serious. It would seem as if I am the byproduct of a nineteen-seventies porno fantasy. Kind of corny, right? Well, I’ve never seen his face. Not even a picture. Today I decided to google him and find some information. He’s sixty-five. That is sixteen years older than my mother. I’m twenty-four, the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me. Two sons already. Poor thing. Cant a lady have some fun without getting stuck with consequences? Men seem to do this more easily. I imagine we all enjoy the thrills of taking chances. To feel spontaneous, in control, and free. However, as a woman, we are often taught that we should interact with life differently. I definitely was, and I rebuke this. The sex talk with mom was brief and her rule was: “Don’t give head until you’ve received head first.” Thanks, Ma. I do wish I would not have insisted our conversation end there, with my hands shielding my ears. Today, I would say that rule requires further detail and explanation! Does it depend on the situation? I always dive into situations headfirst and I’ve always gotten head first. Although I haven’t always been satisfied first and I have been left unsatisfied with the disorienting and vulnerable feeling of having been robbed in some way. It’s happened twice and I’ll be damned if it happens again. The first time was when I tried the method of getting over someone by getting under another and ventured without caution into the God-forsaken realm of Tinder. A bit buzzed after a night out with my ManBun&Beard date, I was determined to kiss someone new after nine months of being emotionally consumed and physically loyal to someone who was single and in another continent. Unfortunately, I left my date in tears. With the car in park, next to my own car in the parking lot of a Ross Dress For Less clothing store, I turned the music to “Make Out in My Car” by Moses Sumney, as I tend to speak in music sometimes. It’s a love language, really. ManBun&Beard caught the hint and we began to make out in the car. He crawled into the backseat and I thought Sure, I’ve never done this before. Why not?. I told him we could engage in foreplay but no intercourse. With slight disappointment he accepted. Naked and surprisingly unafraid, as I was still newly deflowered, I asked if he would go down on me first.

It was not great. It was definitely the opposite of great. I felt bad for the guy, being he seemed a little embarrassed and frustrated, so I tried to momentarily relieve his frustrations by going down on him. Very confident in my fellatio, I blew his mind (pun intended) and requested that we return the focus back to me. He smugly panted, “it’s getting late…” with a smirk on his face. I told him if he wanted to leave me hanging, he’d have to tell me he wanted me to leave because I wasn’t going to dismiss myself for him. He began crying. Actual tears were welling in HIS eyes. I asked him if he wanted to talk about his feelings and he whined “don’t make me say it”. So I put my clothes on, got out of his car, and drove home in my own vehicle livid, confused, and trying to pretend that didn’t just happen. No tears on my part. He texted me and I was numb. Later, I would make the mistake of giving ManBun&Beard another chance, leading me to refer to him as Chlamydia Boy from then on. I called him to tell him about my test results. No answer. I texted him to tell him he should let whoever else he’s involved with know as well and get medicated. No response. I messaged my birth father, using the phone number I found online yesterday, and asked for a picture of him, so I could at least know what he looks like. No response.

Was it something I did? Didn’t I deliver?

P.S. I’m a fragile package