h2>Dating : Six Possible Reasons You’re Still Single
And one quick life-hack that will level up your next date.
“Thanks” to death and divorce, I married husband number three by the age of thirty-two. Best advice? Be careful who you marry. Obviously, I love to be married. That’s why I gave it a third go. I would have kept my wonderful first husband forever, but brain cancer is a thief of joy and twenty-five years ago it took my young husband away. We had a lovely relationship. My second husband was a love fraud, and I learned the depths of my shallow understanding of abusers through that unfortunate marriage contract. Widows beware of love frauds who prey on asset holders. Tex, husband number three, is a peach. He’s a bit sassy, but dang, he’s the real deal, and rather delicious. We’ve been going strong since 2006, and I am still fascinated by his awesomeness.
You have major awesomeness, too! Being single is NOT a reflection of your worth or value. You might have closed your heart off to giving and receiving love. You may have been burned and you aren’t sure how to love again. You have my heart and my compassion, and my highest recommendation to gather personal and professional support around you to heal and move forward.
I am speaking to those who are confused about why they struggle to attract and keep healthy love partnerships. It may mean you need a shift or two, which everyone needs in many areas of life. You are not alone! There are many reasons why those who desire a committed relationship are struggling to find a companion. In my years working as a Creativity Coach I have learned that there are some common reasons why people remain single despite their desire to be in a committed relationship. After I share my thoughts, I will share a fantastic life-hack to supercharge your next date or possible romantic introduction. Here we go:
First, you are not being true to your vibe, so you’re not attracting your tribe.
You wanted to be an actor, but you studied accounting and mostly hang out with accountants. You listen to their accountant conversations at dinner after work and feel like your soul is being sucked out of your eyeballs. Basically, you’re energetically dying inside. Please don’t do that to yourself when you’d rather be auditioning for a show, filming a commercial, or rehearsing a part for a killer play that gets you discovered. Maybe you have the soul of an accountant who has been trained to find your worth in the world of the arts and it drains your energy. You’d rather be working with numbers, companies, goals, and charts.
If your soul doesn’t recognize the primal drumbeat played around the fire by your current circle of peers, you need to change your tribe.
Why would you want to spend your limited time with people doing things that don’t light your fire? You have the power to change this.
Second, you’re in a routine rut.
Not that I’m suggesting it, but I would bet all the carrots in my fridge that you still go to the produce section at the store in the evenings after your post-work workout to find a hot single person that also pretends to enjoy melting on a treadmill and shopping for vegetables. How many times has this netted you a hot, lasting love? My guess is that it hasn’t. Go to a different gym! Go to the store at a different time. Go to a different store! Hit a farmer’s market on a Saturday looking and feeling hotter than a gallon of Louisiana hot sauce and start meeting new people! Shake it up, hot stuff!
New people and experiences can be found in getting out of the rut of our daily routines and trying new things.
You have the power to change this.
Third, you’re a narcissistic, misanthropic jerk who wants love and sex without feeling actual love or even the work of being pleasantly engaged in a relationship.
If this describes you, then you’ve already been told this by numerous partners and I have nothing further to add. I know your type too well. You’re a public health threat and desperately need to change this, but likely never will.
Fourth, you have bad habits.
I’m not your mama, but I can say that when I was single there was many a man who did not have a good relationship with their toothbrush or a stick of deodorant. It was always a hard pass. Nice guys, but hard to be around. Do you chew with your mouth open? Are you easily offended? Talk about yourself all the time? Laugh uncontrollably over little things? Talk over people? Tear other people down? Do you stare at other sexually appealing people in front of your date/partner? There is a word that can help resolve these and many other toxic forces of habit that can turn others off: STOP.
Watch others who are polished who attract people to them. At the very minimum choose to study someone who doesn’t stand out for bad habits.
Ask for feedback from friends and family about habits they believe hold you back. Increase your self-awareness, then practice good habits!
Set reminders on your phone to facilitate more mindfulness. Get a coach who can help you develop better habits. Some bad habits are trauma responses and you may need therapy to overcome these tics, aversions, or compulsions. You can change this! Making other people uncomfortable around you is the net effect of bad habits and an incomplete picture of what kind of self-care you need to handle it. You have the power to change this.
Fifth, you’re more focused on avoiding being lonely than on the active work of loving someone with needs.
Are you afraid of being alone, or are you passionately committed to the highest good of the one whom you love? Are you interested in the hard work of love, or are you just looking for a loneliness pattern interrupt? Is it about putting a warm body on the couch next to you? Is it the social capital you gain from being with someone sexy who can take you places like a restaurant in their expensive car? Or is it a soul connection that you’re focused on- one that seats both your hearts in a safe, secure space of focused, positive intentions? There is a huge difference. A mature emotional connection to another person’s highest good is the only healthy heart-to-heart connection. If you don’t have this connection because you’re not committed, you are using your partner. That is the exploitation of a human being for your own purposes.
Being alone is far healthier for you and any potential partner than being in a toxic relationship where one or both people are being used.
Repeat that mantra as often as necessary so that you don’t forget it.
Entertainment franchises like The Bachelor promote toxic courtship and are a shocking reminder that social science research on mental and relationship health may be lightyears ahead of human awareness and understanding. Read any book by Dr. Sue Johnson. It will be life-changing. A qualified therapist can help you sort out the details of why you choose shallow flings instead of commitment, and help you discover the why behind your reticence to invest in the hard work of love. You can change this. I know you can.
Sixth, you have yet to learn the art of connection.
For so many reasons, self-love is essential to living a high quality of life. Period. When you have a connection to yourself through a loving acceptance of who you are, it is much easier to focus on loving compassion for others. I worry about people pleasers. Like chameleons, you change your colors to fit your surroundings. You were expected to keep the peace by disconnecting from your own needs to fulfill someone else’s. This is common with children of angry and controlling parents or primary caregivers. It is impossible to authentically connect with others when you are so disconnected from yourself. You have the right to an identity. You have the right to happiness and joy on your terms.
If you are truly doing the internal work of loving yourself, then you are already listening to your own heart and mind. You are already seeking to understand your own needs, and in so doing you know that everyone around you needs the same self-love. Their words will reflect their commitment to it. You are already committing to your own needs in a new way. You are becoming beautifully, authentically, unapologetically you. You are becoming authentically secure in yourself enough to validate others rather than only seeking validation. You are becoming more confident in yourself. Confidence is highly attractive! We best attract healthy partners that support our desire to be connected to our own true selves by prioritizing a deep and compassionate connection with ourselves. No one can prioritize self-love for us. That is up to each of us. Each of us needs to seek a greater love of self. Each of us can change.
I promised you a quick life-hack. Here it is:
While you’re working on yourself, here’s a quick hack that will develop the neurology in your brain for a deeper connection with others. The next time you venture out and forward into a new relationship, the farmer’s market, the grocery store, the acting class, or go on your next date, remember to just listen. That’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s what we all want- to be heard, to be valued, to be understood. Hear the words others say. Be the one that hears someone’s heart without thought for a response or opinion. Be the one that understands and honors the needs that others have. Be the one that is safe to connect with. Watch that you don’t get snared by a narcissist who loves to use and abuse people for attention supply. Again, just listen. You will be able to identify a person’s safety and commitment to self-improvement and self-love. If the person is emotionally healthy, listening will help you develop a stronger connection with them. If they are not emotionally healthy, listening will protect you from them.
In conclusion:
You’ve been given six possible reasons why you are still single. Have you determined if any of these six reasons are the cause? Write down one thing you know you need to shift to attract a true match into your life. Keep a daily or weekly journal on your progress. Share your journey with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist. Just focus on that one thing until it becomes comfortable. You deserve to give yourself the structure of happiness. You deserve to relish the journey of growth. You deserve support. You deserve to work toward a healthy relationship.
