Dating : Why is Dating so Hard?

Oh, dating. What a pain in my ass. As if it isn’t hard enough, let’s also compound the fact that I am:

A. Gay

B. Educated

C. Well-adjusted (for the most part); and

D. Mature (also debatable)

One would think the above traits would make it easier, when in reality, they isolate me from the dating pool in the South. This blog may serve as a rant, but I want to share my thoughts in hopes that someone will gather solace from my struggle.

Since I was born, I have been attracted to the male physique. When I was conditioned to flirt with girls, I did so, but there was always a disconnect on the physical side. As I’ve shared in previous blogs, I gravitated toward girls, but more so in admiration than for sex. I became their best friend, while wondering which one would be my girlfriend.

So I performed the intricate dance of being the friend while also attempting to create some type of romance with my best friends. I spent time with them, thinking, “This is a date. We’re spending time together because we could be in love.” But that disconnect never went away.

And so, I was rejected, and with that rejection came an internalized shame for never being good enough. Because I felt that I was supposed to pursue these girls made it all the harder, but nothing changed. Compound that with the fact that I wasn’t an athlete (the one factor that determined who was in and who was out), and eventually I began to internalize self-hate, too.

The thing about internalized feelings, the commentary one repeats to one’s self, is that those feelings don’t magically disappear when that person becomes an adult. On the contrary, that commentary burrows in the mind, hindering the adult from seeing himself as the beautiful people person he is. If he never corrects those words of death, they keep him from pursuing relationships and experiences for which his soul yearns and needs to survive.

For me, I was rejected so much that I began to expect it, but instead of verbalizing the rejection into something positive (say, as an opportunity for something new), I internalized it as a failing on my part. That’s what I’m dealing with now. I am still correcting my internalized shame, fed to me over years, in an environment that wasn’t conducive to the mental health of a young gay man. Instead, my environment shot me down time and time again, telling me that I would never be good enough for a relationship with anyone. That I was meant to stay on the sidelines, never the hero of my own story.

After coming out, this carried over into my dating life. I’ve dated beautiful men — men who were more concerned in discussing themselves than asking about me. Most men have wanted one thing, so after a while, those internalized feelings of mediocrity crept back. I asked myself, “If that’s all they want, maybe who I am isn’t good enough.” I wondered if all I could aspire to was hookups, over. And over. And over.

The South caused these feelings of inadequacy, but that isn’t to say that other parts of the world don’t make it hard. When I’m tempted to think this is the worst place to grow up gay, I remind myself that it is still illegal to be a homosexual in many countries. At the same time, the South has primed me to feel worthless, to feel as if I lack a voice, when in reality, I have power.

This also isn’t to say that people outside of the LGBTQIA+ community don’t deal with these issues. But when it’s socially acceptable to be openly heterosexual, that automatically opens up the dating pool in a way for which the LGBTQIA+ community has to fight. We have to intentionally carve out safe spaces, but even then, most of the venues are overrun by the straight population anyway.

So yes, dating is hard for gay people in the South, but it doesn’t have to be. Maybe if the South was more inclusive of us, we would stay here, bettering it for future generations. But until that happens, we must work to make something taken for granted like dating open to all. When that happens, the South will be even better than it already is.

Thank you for reading my rant. Until next time. Kisses.