Dating : So Your Coworker Saw Your Vibrator. Now What?

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“I work in a retail store and I forgot that I’d left my vibrator in my backpack. At the end of every shift, we do ‘backpack checks’ to ensure that no one is stealing from the store. My coworker who was performing the check saw the vibrator and I was — and still am — mortified. What should I do?”

A client accidentally saw some nudes I had in my photocloud once while I was loading up some photos I’d taken for his company. It’s a horrifying, sweaty feeling when our private lives enter into our professional lives. And that feeling of horror is universal. I’m sure almost everyone has had that nightmare where they’re in class or at work and they suddenly realize that they’ve forgotten to put on clothes — or some variation of it at least.

Fortunately, though, by virtue of this being a universal feeling, the majority of people have empathy and respect for it. Just like my client did, your coworker will likely pretend that this never happened and eventually, the embarrassment will dissipate. Not only is it the polite and socially acceptable thing to do, it’s also a part of creating a safe work environment. Which brings me to my next point:

If your coworker ever does bring this up again — which they should know better than to do — you will firmly tell them that the topic is inappropriate for work and that you aren’t comfortable discussing it. If it comes up after that, you take it up with HR or a supervisor. There’s nothing illegal or immoral about owning a vibrator and if the company you work for insists on checking the bags of adults, they need to be prepared to be adults about it when they find adult things in those bags.

“Before I met my current partner, I’d hooked up with a coworker on a business trip. It was a pretty casual thing and we never really talk about it. I accidentally mentioned it to my partner and now he cannot seem to drop the issue. He’s even go so far as to request that I quit my job! What should I do?”

Insecurity is unfortunately something that most of us will deal with at one point or another in our lives. It’s an unpleasant — sometimes even debilitating — feeling that can make us behave in irrational ways. It can lead to jealousy, anger and poor decision making.

But a good partner will not make their insecurity your problem, which is exactly what’s going on here. You didn’t do anything wrong. After all, we can’t spend our whole lives making decisions based on what future insecure partners might think.

At the end of the day, your partner isn’t asking you to help him through his insecurities. He isn’t asking you to be patient with him or compassionate towards him. He’s asking you to uproot your life and put his feelings before yours. And I’m here from the future to tell you that this request will not be isolated to this incident. He will continue to ask you to put his feelings first in more and more significant ways. So what do you do?

Tell your partner that he needs to drop this or the relationship is over. If he needs reassurance about your attraction or commitment to him, you can offer it. But you aren’t doing him any favors by entertaining these unrealistic demands. Experiencing serious rejection for these controlling behaviors is the only way he can ever expect to rid himself of them and have a healthy, compassionate relationship.

“I’m starting a new job and I’m worried about how my new routine will affect my relationship. Any advice?”

Your new routine probably will affect your relationship but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Change, after all, can also be good. Spending more time away from your partner can make the time you do spend together feel more exciting and fresher. Alternatively, if your new job means you’ll have more free time, spending more of that time with your partner can bring you two closer or give you time to take up new hobbies or spend time with friends.

You can also use this as an opportunity to add some new routines to your relationship. If there’s a day you both consistently have off, you can find a class or activity that you can do together that day. If you work far from where you partner lives, you could discuss having them come meet you near your job for dinner one night a week.

At first, the change will probably be a little stressful. But if you anticipate that stress — and don’t freak out when it happens — your relationship will survive just fine. It may even benefit from the change.

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This article originally published on GREY Journal.