Dating : Solving the Connection Crisis

Modern Dating is Broken And Perchance is On a Mission to Redesign It

In his book Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, Sebastian Junger writes,

“human beings need three basic things in order to be content: they need to feel competent at what they do; they need to feel authentic in their lives; and they need to feel connected to others. These values are considered “intrinsic” to human happiness and far outweigh “extrinsic” values such as beauty, money and status.”

We’re living in a time of connection crisis and the signs of social isolation are everywhere. Concert-goers watch shows from their blue light devices rather than feel the energy of the collective audience. Couples in restaurants scroll through Instagram rather than maintain conversation with their mates. Kids are permitted to plug into iPads at social gatherings, never to interact with anyone new.

Today, only half of Americans have meaningful in-person social interactions such as having an extended conversation with a friend or spending quality time with family on a daily basis. Gen Z (ages 18–22) is reportedly the loneliest generation — even worse than the elderly.

And intuitively, we all know why. It’s technology. It’s the Internet. It’s the phantom closeness we feel with those we’re connected to online and the jarring FOMO we experience when we realize we’re not actually close.

Outside of work, it’s difficult for adults to make friends because two people must spend 90 hours together to become friends or 200 hours together to qualify as close friends. Nowadays, society doesn’t require us to rely on others for survival. We can go entire days and weeks without ever interacting with a person we know. We can acquire wealth, possessions, technologies, clothing, sexual satisfaction, items that the Internet says we should want — all with a click of a button and absolutely no human contact at all.

The funny thing is that tech is designed to make our lives easier. It’s supposed to enable us to do other things rather than hunt for food, drive around in search of items we need or fulfill other basic needs. In theory we should have more time to spend with loved ones, meet romantic partners and live an abundant life. And while technology has certainly alleviated certain annoyances and improved lives in some major ways, it has also accelerated the pace of work, shifted expectations of productivity, increased stress and anxiety, and created unrealistic expectations of relationships.

As a society we’re already starting to feel the whiplash from 10 years of heavy social media use, the convenience economy and the digitization of most everyday interactions. People are getting the urge to disconnect and players are emerging to fill this need including adult summer camps, phone-free shows and concerts, digital detoxes like Go Brick Now and Digital Sabbath, and organizations like the Center for Humane Technology.

It’s not new news that millennials value experiences now more than anything else. But what’s different in 2019 versus a few years ago when Instagram playgrounds were novel, colorful, innocent and exciting, is that now those experiences feel hollow. Millennials are craving authenticity. We’re looking for experiences that have more intention than simply a pleasing color palette, great lighting and a ball pit.

Membership communities are cropping up like the supper clubs of yesteryear — promising to connect members of niche groups and unite them in digital networks and sometimes under physical roofs as well. There’s Soho House, The Wing, The Wonder, Luminary, Chief, The Assemblage, Norwood, Parlor, Ivy, Magnises (lol RIP). And there are hundreds more dining groups, Burning Man camps, networking and mentoring groups all with the goal of fostering connection.

We’re also living in the golden age of self-care and self-help — think yoga retreats, therapy, life-coaching, gratitude training, manifestation… People are finally prioritizing their mental health, enlightenment and meaning that is greater than them.

Which leads us to this moment, where a confluence of factors — tech-induced loneliness, a desire for real world interaction and authentic connection, prioritization of experiences over things, a disdain for our smart phones/texting/dating apps, and a quest for deeper connection to self and source — are pushing us towards something new.

It is this cultural environment that inspired us to launch Perchance. Our focus is creating new opportunities for people to connect authentically, in person. And we’re starting with the dating space.

We’re focusing on romance because modern dating is especially broken. Ask 10 people on the street what their opinions of online dating are, and the responses will range from mild annoyance to deep discontent. Online dating is seen as a necessary evil for singles around the world. In 2019 nearly 40% of all heterosexual couples have met online.

A 2018 UK study of dating apps found that 45% of respondents had used them at some point but 37% say dating apps are their least preferred method to meet a new partner. The process of meeting new people, deciding if you’re compatible, and going on a journey of romantic discovery should be exciting and joyful. And today it’s mostly just disappointing.

We’re building Perchance as a better way to meet people by elevating what works about dating apps and redesigning the parts that are broken. Here’s a preview…

From endless optionality to curated variety

The major draw of apps is the limitless supply of possible mates. The law of large numbers suggests that eventually you will find a match if you swipe through enough options. But apps have been designed to gamify your experience. They operate using a variable reward schedule which takes advantage of the reward centers in our brains. Similar to a slot machine or an instagram like, when you get a match, you get that dopamine hit that eventually gets you hooked. Combine that with the paradox of (infinite) choice and it’s no wonder that we have a dysfunctional relationship to the apps.

At a Perchance gathering, we give you optionality with limits. We offer enough choices to actually form a hierarchy of favorites in your mind and we curate for diversity so that each person stands out from the group in some way. We introduce variety, but not through endless options within a single gathering. Rather, we curate different groups and host in new locations so that no two gatherings are ever the same.There’s the excitement and intrigue of new people and places, without all-consuming endlessness.

From time-consuming and draining to efficient and fun

While apps offer a huge volume of potential partners, the process of actually finding someone to date takes forever. In a best case scenario, days of back and forth conversation finally yield a real world meet up. But dates take hours of time, even though it takes the average human 4 minutes to determine whether they’re compatible with another person.

Perchance prioritizes efficiency while still creating a fun and warm environment. In the same two hours that you might slog through dinner with that bad Hinge date, you’ll be able to meet 10+ possible partners in a fun, warm, friendly, low-pressure environment. We keep conversations short to begin with, since the first impression can be all you need to feel a spark (or not). But we also allow you to linger, chat longer, and of course connect after the fact to keep things going if there is chemistry.

From shallow and surface level to multidimensional and chemistry-driven

By design, a dating app profile communicates a simplified snapshot of a person. It can capture the basics (A/S/L), what you look like (on your very best day), what you do for work and went to school (sometimes), and a fact or two about you. There is very little space to express interests, passions or personality and the platform itself doesn’t lend itself to selection based on these factors. As a result, matching mostly occurs on the basis of looks alone. This leads to frustration on multiple levels. You might swipe on a hottie only to realize later that he is a complete wet blanket when you finally meet up. Or you might completely miss someone who is great for you because he doesn’t fulfill your “criteria” on paper. The swipe forces a quick, binary decision that dehumanizes its participants…not the best basis upon which to start a relationship.

Perchance is designed to help people get in touch with how potential partners make them feel. We start by setting some rules — no phones and no work talk. Prohibiting phones forces guests to be present in the moment. No work talk strips away any facade and makes it harder for others to cast stereotypes before actually getting to know someone. It creates a vulnerability and leaves room in the conversation for other passions, interests and quirks. The best part is that the in-person element helps to actually gauge personality, vibe and chemistry within minutes rather than days or weeks.

At Perchance, we’re motivated to make these paradigm shifts in the dating world, because at the end of the day, love is the most important thing. We’re ramping up in NYC and excited to release our Fall 2019 calendar soon. In the meantime, apply to join us!