Dating : Why is the majority of guys so emotionally unavailable?
Okay so this is kind of a rant but I’m in a place in my life where I would really like to be in a relationship, I’m 20 f and I’ve never been in an actual relationship but I know that what i crave most of all is emotional intimacy.
I need someone that will make me feel safe and wanted and accepted , someone that can reassure me about my insecurities emotional or physical and we can just have fun together and obviously i want to be and do all those things for him too if not more but guys my age typically don’t give a crap about emotional things they just want hookups.
So what I’m wondering is are there guys that crave the same thing, someone to lean on and be there for them and feel safe with and the sexual part of the relationship comes next?
Because men amongst eachother are usually not very emotional and its seen as a weakness to be emotional in front of other people.
I am a pretty emotional guy and whenever I raise some emotional issue amongst male colleagues I am usually shot down with a varity of « Dude dont take this so seriously » or « Dude calm down » or some other variation of « be stoic about this ».
Men having to be stoic and unemotional is an incredibly outdated concept and it baffles me how it still permeates society to this day. I was raised to be emotionally expressive almost to a fault, I tend to become an emotional burden to people because I am constantly expressing.
So yeah blame « society » or whatever, as stupid as it sounds. Part of it is being raised that way by their fathers, other part is their male social circle might just not support emotionality.
> reassure me about my insecurities emotional or physical
Yeah you might want to work on that first. Decent men are gonna nope out of that the second they see it and all youre left with are subpar men.
At least personally, when I open up emotionally, it exposes women to all the emotions that can potentially happen. some of them are attractive – like confidence, happiness. some of them are not attractive, like insecurities, crying, etc.
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studies show that men displaying traits such as insecurities and crying/etc are not as desirable. its not that women want this to be the case, its just the way it is.
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and like clockwork, whenever I have displayed these, the women has lost attraction.
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this is why I’m emotionally unavailable.
You mean the majority of guys « you encountered » and not the majority of guys « out there »
Men are rejected for being too emotionally « needy », especially at your age.
You can’t really approach dating looking for someone to fill in the emotional gaps in your life ie: emotional reassurance- yeah part of being in a relationship is having reassurance when needed (emphasis on when needed), but it is not the basis of a healthy relationship. You need to approaching dating as whole person looking for someone to share your already awesome life and self with. You can’t look for someone to fill in the missing pieces, a relationship like that will be based on co-dependency and toxicity.
I would really recommend getting yourself to a place where you don’t need emotional or physical reassurance and you’re confident enough in yourself to know what you’re bringing to the table when looking for an SO, not just the things you are looking for in someone else to make you happy. The reassurance is nice to have (again, when necessary) but it should not be something that you significantly depend on to be happy with another person.
Everybody wants that whether it is male or female. But since you konw that, ask yourself why the guys around you not behave like that.
My current partner calls me emotionally available.
I wasnt always like this. I used to be very reserved with my feelings. I was taught women do not like emotions even when they say they do, and that they want essentially empty husks of humans. This was reinforced when I once cried in front of an ex who told me to « man up ».
It took me therapy and a lot of adjustment of life views to establish a way I felt comfortable in expressing myself, but I still find it tough to open up initially due to that conditioning.
I really don’t like the other replies, but what do I know. I’m a guy and for me those are things that I also want, but it’s so hard for me to open up. I tend to do so indirectly, I also realized that all the friends I’ve had I got to know indirectly. By that I mean that I see how others react to situations and deal with life and from that I try to infer what kind of person they are. I do that even for myself. That tends to be way slower and less precise, but also safer, because you never really expose yourself. That’s not necessarily a good thing, because we’re supposed to be able to do that, but I got some trust issues I suppose lol. I started journaling and that I think will help, because it’s definitely easier to talk to somebody else about something you already went through and processed than just spilling your guts. There has to be a balance, because even opening up too much can be a bad thing, especially when it’s something you can’t really handle.
This is something i wish i can have often… And yet the only thing i use now is a Pillow. I use it often just to relax myself and to sleep with so i can actually relax during the night…
I myself Want a Friendship in my relationship. Building each other and support regardless of the situation. I do want someone who is grounded, but I don’t consider anyone a nope, we are all growing and never stop growing. Right now being Single, I really want someone who just wants to be adorable and lovey.
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Because we’re working on our goals and not women, or this one girl ruin us for the future girl.
trauma probably.
You want the same thing as every other woman.
Why should a man want to give those things to you? (not to sound like an ass). What about you, would make a man want to be/do all those things for you, for the rest of his life and swear off other women (…for the rest of this life?
Guys don’t leave the house looking to get a girlfriend/wife; we just don’t operate like that. You gotta get us to WANT that.
oh young padawon…you have much to learn. If you are encountering this in your 20’s…just wait until you’re 30 or 40, it gets worse.
Most men/women get like this because to things that they have experienced. At 20, it’s because they lack emotional maturity.
23M here. Also looking for something serious despite my age. Want to chat?
I had to comment on this post because you and I are in the same boat. My guess is society teaches men to be tough. On twitter, I saw a post that read “Men, who do you vent to?” and one man replied “No one”. Basically, they’re afraid of looking “weak”. Also, someone in the past probably took advantage of them when they were most vulnerable. To avoid this from happening again, they close themselves off.
In addition, some men are not used to having someone care about them. Back in high school, I was very loving towards my ex who was cold in return. Years after we broke up, he admitted that he was not used to having someone give a crap about him. In some cases, if a person hasn’t experienced love, they may feel uncomfortable when someone is affectionate towards them and be unable to return this love to their partner.
I hope this helps.
I’m a bit late to the party but I’ll chime in from a male perspective from my personal life, so take it as a bit of light bias.
Men are not as emotionally « open » because biologically we’re not really designed to be like women. This isn’t a « why do men » or « why do women » thing more than it is pure difference between the sexes.
As an example, there’s a reason why men take up more dangerous, trauma-inducing positions in society like a soldier, firefighter, EMT, police, etc. Men for better or worse on average have an uncanny ability to really handle high stress, soul-crushing stimuli and rise above it. It’s also our blessing and curse in relation to this thread. In the moment, and through our lives we can survive said experience and not have it generally impact our day to day lives, but that’s because we have a lot of internal processes that allow us to handle it, one of them being that we typically don’t project said experiences and emotions onto others, we manage it.
There’s multiple possible reasons for this. A lot of time it’s for the general worldview/protection of innocence for others, especially loved ones. Sometimes you might get around groups with like a « super bro » syndrome where you get a bunch of guys who act like douchebags who will criticize you for stuff like that, although I imagine that’s a lot fewer and far between than the former. For me personally it’s the former, there’s been some traumatic events in my life that has shaped me into the cool, calculated, hard charging and dedicated man I am today; a sort of « method to the madness » if you will ; and I’ll be damned if someone judges me on that. It would be a fair criticism of myself from others though to say that I’m not as emotionally « connected » as others. I say this not in a bad way as in a mentally/emotionally ill way of describing myself, but just that I carry myself day to day differently.
As I do in my friendships and relationships, maybe take the time to dig into someone and find out what really makes them tick, and just listen. You’d be surprised that the majority of people, woman and men both, are good, honest, and respectable. Everyone has fought their own wars, and the sooner we get to know someone before we cast judgment either blanketed or individually the sooner we grow ourselves better as individuals.
I’ve dated a couple of women in recent years who early on gave me the whole « I have these insecurities. Tell me what I want to hear so I feel better about them ». So I’m a robot who has to fix you. Isn’t that I’m attracted to them, and want to spend time with them something? Or even enough? No. You’re here to fix me, so do your job
Men typically need sex to feel loved.
This is why they’re into hookups – once this need is satisfied, you’ll find they tend to open up.
Many won’t be emotionally available if their own needs haven’t been met.
03slampig hit the nail on the head. Plus, for most men (myself included) attraction/sexual chemistry >>>>>> pretty much everything else. At least initially, and ESPECIALLY at your age.