Dating : Spies

She was the greatest spy, a living legend, in the sixteen worlds. Her success record was impeccable, her methods unquestioned and fruitlessless, her reports long, long, long, long, long and boring and filled with useful information and APA style footnotes quoted correctly 50% of the time.

She could not be defeated. Her disguises, costumes, and methods were so perfect that nobody ever knew who she was, nobody ever discovered her identity, nobody ever-

“You’re a spy,” he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. She looked at him spyingly and her spy-mind began filing and browsing for the appropriate spy response. Spy number one, she thought, show your magic.

“Um… no.”

“Yes,” he said with a smile. “You are Biggie Buppy Bupp from the T Brigade, the Greatest Spy in the World.”

“They call me that?” she said as she moved her fingers inside her shirt pocket. “My butt is perfectly functional and proportional to my stature, height, and cranium composition.”

The man laughed and said, “Thanks! You just confirmed my suspicions were correct.”

“Well…” she said with a coy smirk, “…it doesn’t matter because you just confirmed… your DEATH!”

She took out a gun and shot. Out came bubbles.

“Oops,” she said as she threw her toy gun against the wall in hopes that it would rebound and hit his head, knock him unconscious, and guillotine him. But it did not happen. “Damn! I used this gun for my secret Water Park Fun Mission. I am giving you the explanation so you know.”

“I did not ask for an explanation,” the man said.

“Well, you got one anyway.”

“Ok, I’ll get to the point,” he said sternly. He rose up and approached the greatest spy in the world, towering over her like a tower. “You have valuable information for us. You are going to give it to me.”

“What if I don’t? You can’t do nothing” she asked with a smug smile. The man took out a gun and pointed it at her face.

“I kill you.”

“I give up,” she said putting her hands up in the air.

The man thought that everything was going excessively easy and the greatest spy in the world thought that she had never been pointed with a gun in the face before and she did not like it one bit, unless the gun happened to be filled with bubbles and she was at the water park in the Water Park Mission of Fun. He reached into her shirt pocket and pulled out three carpets filled with spy addresses, mission info, and favorite recipes, a long string of home-steamed tofu shaped like a DNA helix where a codex was implanted using an ostrich plume, a very personal diary, a bag of potato computer chips, and a toy car that was also a neutron bomb and a titanium safe and a time capsule and a souvenir of a time long gone, a time when the Internet still existed.

“Ok, that’s settled then. You have just betrayed your country, your friends, your Brigade, and, more importantly, yourself. Worse than useless, you are nothing. And now…”

“Please, have you seen my gun?” she asked as she crawled in all fours around the room with tears in her eyes. “Perhaps it is one of those guns that vanish automatically after they are used.”

“Those don’t exist.”

“Maybe a ghost took it.”

“If a ghost took, we would see it hover in the air as if it was floating.”

“Maybe it was goblins or what are those very tall, invisible, hairy, thingies, you know the ones that like to scratch your back and tickle your feet with their thick-“

“Silence!” He said taking and pointed the gun against her pretty face and then her ugly face. The woman stood up and raised her hands. “Much better. Now, we are going to have some of that awesome sex.”

“What?”

“Sex. You and I. Right NOW!”

“Um, I don’t really want to,” she said.

“Oh, I didn’t you know didn’t want to. Ok, you are going to rub my knees perniciously with your left hand.”

“You are one of those, huh? Should have guessed,” she hissed with a glare.

So they had all the rubbing and the nasty rubbing and the beautiful rubbing and the good rubbing and one of them ended up very tired and the other, very unhappy.

“You are beautiful… but you are one of the worst persons that… I have ever… had my knees rubbed with,” said the man as he started to cry. The woman finally found her toy gun, which had hidden itself under a pillow shaped like a goat, and started shooting bubbles into the unaware man who was gazing off in the distance. “I’ve never felt bad about killing all those people… you see. I just want to be loved. Perhaps we could go run away from all of this… together… just… well… without any more rubbing. Start anew. Leave all this killing behind.”

“No. Never! I will never do that. I don’t want to. I don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…” she continued as she hit the cushions and the mattress with her bare fists.

“I can’t believe (don’t) I’m falling in love (don’t) with you. When I saw you (don’t) at the ball, you were so beautiful (don’t) and cool, and then when I saw (don’t) you at the casino, you were so (don’t) glowing and radiant, (don’t) and when I saw you (don’t) at the soup factory, you were (don’t) so slimy and put (don’t) together, (don’t) (don’t) (don’t) and when I saw you at the (don’t) facial reconstruction facility and (don’t) you came out, you were so (don’t) new and (don’t) smelled like a new book (bubbles), the illusion was perfect for (don’t) me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you,” she said and began pulling her ponytail downwards just because and this made the man cry some more.

“I can’t do this… I’m… ah… what’s going on?” he said as he felt dizzy and the more time passed, he cried more and breathed less. “I feel… I feel… like… I’ve been infected… with… a dead… a dead… a dead… deadagentcide,” and the man twitched a little and died folded like a blanket. The greatest spy in the world approached him and smiled.

“Haha! another enemy off my list. You silly kid, you did not realize that the bubbles were a special poison designed to mess with you. A special mix of rat poison, human poison, and my musk!” she said with a gleam in her eyes, and she felt like reasoning that the weird rubbing on the knees was also part of the plan though she did not say it aloud.

She looked over the dead body, feeling very satisfied and pleased with herself, winked at no one in particular, turned over her super long black robe, made a backflip, and left the room. The greatest spy in the world had done it again.

Unfortunately, since she forgot to grab all the important files that the man had taken from her, she was terminated and this was her last mission. But at least, they gave her a great relocation and identity where she worked in a water park until her dying day, blowing bubbles at strangers pretending they would twitch to death as well.