Dating : Taking the Leap

Here I am, leaping into my first post. It’s one of many I’ve been taking recently.

I’ve been leaping into the cold ocean almost everyday. One, because it’s apparently incredibly good for you. Thanks to Wim Hoff, ice baths are the new cocaine (that’s what everyone is doing in the bathroom now). Two, because it’s a reminder that the only thing to fear is fear itself (Thanks FDR for this timeless gem).

I’ve had floods of creative thoughts and epiphanies in the last few months, wanting to write everything down in an earth-shattering post that summarizes the meaning of life. A post that tugs at the heartstrings like the NY Times “Modern Love” column meets a perfectly curated instagram caption, proving to the world that all the bullshit we feel has a reason and is beautiful.

But instagram does not represent the full complexities of life and my writing is not as eloquent as the submissions to the NY Times. Alas, here I am, putting my authentic self out there to the masses. It’s hard for me to do this. I’m a more introverted, mellow person, who enjoys silent knowing expressions as a large part of her communication style.

From this post, I ask you take what you need, leave what you don’t (as my yoga instructor reminds me).

It has taken me months to actually sit down at my computer and write something that resembles a summary of what I have been going through. Maybe it took me this long because I needed more perspective. When you’re in it, you are a mess of thoughts and revelations and highs and lows.

I don’t know why I have this drive to put out something meaningful and beautiful in the world, maybe its my codependent nature to please (which I have just realized is a thing). I am a designer and consider myself a creative person and creating feeds my “flow” in life. This “flow” thing is also something I am new to understanding. Flow is that high you feel when you are doing something you love and lose track of time. It’s similar to the high of being in love or the pursuit of love, you just can’t get enough.

Ironically love isn’t what seems to spark my creativity the most. When I feel heartbreak and sadness, I feel the drive to create, to make sense of the world. When I’m in love, I’m content and not striving for much. Maybe that’s why there is pain and heartbreak? To inspire change, reasoning and art? Sure, let’s go with that for now.

I’ve recently resurfaced from a rock bottom. It turns out that years of suppressed emotions do eventually catch up to you. These emotions are like vampires. You have to welcome them in, but instead of letting them suck the life out of me, I am inviting them in for a cup of tea. Allowing your emotions space helps them heal and I’ve been doing just that, giving them the space they deserve.

I’ve been working hard on understanding my authentic self and watching my patterns of thought, my emotions and my actions. I’m trying to make sense of it all and there has been a lot of self help reading involved.

It blows my mind that we all have our own realities. We move through life with our own individual beliefs based on societal norms, our upbringing and personality tendencies. Do we ever really understand each other? We are all moving through life with our own realities that continue to evolve and change. It makes my head hurt to think about all of this.

There are multiple scenes in the movie “500 Days of Summer” that have stuck with me. There is an “Aha! moment” when Jason Gordon Levvitt replays the relationship back in his head. Everything that he thought was so wonderful and perfect is revealed to also have moments of awkward discontent. There is another wonderful scene where it shows the expectations vs. reality of the relationship. We are all able to trick our brains into beliefs based on the defense mechanisms we picked up in our past. Our desire to be seen and loved is so strong we ignore our subtle feelings and instincts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmA4fOKm1eo

Zooey Deschanel clearly stated she wasn’t looking for a relationship in the beginning, but he ignored this statement throughout the movie and projected unrealistic expectations. This is a pattern I’ve consistently exhibited, holding onto moments of hope and ignoring my gut. When people tell us who they are, we should listen to them. When we are unhappy, we should listen to ourselves. If we can’t be our authentic self and our desires aren’t being met, we should move on from the situation, whatever that may be. Ignorance can be bliss for only a short time. The truth always comes out to bite you in the ass.

We are here to learn, grow and put our individual needs first. I am here to tell you that moving through life with a newfound sense of enlightenment provides meaning and drive. While exhausting, life that has meaning feels more full.

That saying, “You can’t fill from an empty cup,” is true. Following your bliss, putting your needs first and being true to yourself keeps your cup full and enables you to ultimately help others do the same. I think our purpose in life is to keep our “cups” full as much as possible.

But how do you know what fills your cup? I think it has to do with following that “flow” feeling. If the majority of your decisions and actions come from what your authentic self desires, you’re on the right path. It sounds simple, but it’s actually really, really hard.

I have been moving through life, trying to tick boxes off a checklist to feel more full. Running from a 4 year undergrad degree to a 2 year stint at a public agency to 3 years of grad school to 6 years in an emotionally abusive work environment, all while trying to navigate family and dating drama as well as societal pressures to start a family. I was moving through time and space so quickly I couldn’t take time to even think about who I am or make conscious decisions. I was just acting how I thought I “should” be: a good employee, friend, daughter, sibling and human. Repeating old patterns of believing “If I’m just more perfect or more kind or more this or more that, then I will succeed and be loved.”

It turns out, putting others first doesn’t make you succeed or make you more love-able, loving yourself first does. This concept still seems so foreign to me. “Isn’t that selfish to put yourself first?” My subconscious is still trying to catch up to this new realization.

I recently quit my job of 6 years without a new job lined up. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I finally felt at peace, like I was drowning for years and had just been given CPR and a new chance at life.

As soon as I quit, I felt more myself, happy, confident and opportunities began to fall out of the sky. I think this is what being in your “flow” feels like and my “cup” certainly feels more full.

I let limiting beliefs and low self worth fill me with fear. Fear of following my gut, fear of my emotions and fear of putting myself first. A lot of my time was wasted being fearful. Time is the most valuable gift we have in life and it’s not something I want to give up again.

Slowing down and taking the time to sit with my thoughts and emotions has been the greatest gift these past few months. I’ve been able to hear myself think, explore who I am, what I value and why. Understanding the why has been critical to my growth and healing.

While I definitely don’t have all the answers, I know from now on, I will strive to come from a place of self worth and authenticity, not fear.

From one tender heart to the next,

Katie