Dating : The 2 Qualities to Look for in a Partner

I grew up with two father figures: one was my father, and the other was my late grandfather.

For the first ten years of my life, I lived with my parents, forming an attachment to my father. When my parents were too busy with their business, I moved to live with my grandparents and my grandfather acted like a father to me.

These two important men in my life are the opposite of each other.

My father is obsessed with work and emotionally unavailable for most of my life, while my late grandfather was a family man who would look after his family’s everyday needs.

Interestingly, my sisters, raised by my grandfather from the age of two, ended up happily married to two men who were very similar to my grandfather. Meanwhile, I spent most of my early twenties looking for my father in all the men I dated.

Not surprisingly, I chose emotionally unavailable men who put work before everything else and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Their lack of emotional depth and empathy often pushed me to the edge of my anxiety and sanity.

Deep down, I knew I wanted to be happy and loved, but my attachment to these men pushed me further and further away from this very basic need, causing me endless pain.

In 2019, I hit my rock bottom. I was approaching my mid-twenties, and I thought I couldn’t keep going down this self-destructive path any longer, or else there might be permanent consequences — I was terrified.

I decided that I would stop trying to fix my relationship with my father — which was counterproductive anyway — and start living the life I wanted for myself.

So I took a dating hiatus for the first time in my life. I went to therapy. I broke toxic attachments. I built trust with myself.

I finally took my father off the pedestal.

I realised that the way he lives his life and treats his loved ones didn’t align with my values, and I was done with men like him. He didn’t get to model for me what it means to be a man and what’s normal for a marriage. Reclaiming my power, I became confident that I could decide what I wanted in a partner.

When I was ready to put myself out there again, I changed my dating approach completely. I let my core gifts, such as emotional capabilities, lead the way. Soon enough, I met my now serious partner, who is the opposite of my father. He embodies my core values, takes care of me in little and big ways, and makes me laugh every day.

Though I know, he didn’t just appear out of thin air. I found him because I knew exactly what a healthy partner and relationship looked like for me.

If you’re someone who is looking for a serious relationship and values deep connections, here are the two qualities to look for in a partner.