Dating : The Chronicles of a Fed Up Single Person

1. Are my eyes deceiving me or was that the purpose of your whole profile?

Female Grievance One: Male profiles designating six feet and up as their height.

This has to be one of the most disappointing tales ever told online.

After days, sometimes weeks of chatting online, the crescendo of emotions surround the official in-person meeting. There is a sense of security surrounding the fact that you know them. I mean you know what they like to eat, what their hobbies are, where they are any given night of the week, and you know what they look like — you think. You’ve only perused through their photo album all of the hundred times you’ve been on the app this week.

He’s cute, but let’s be honest, it’s the fact that he was one of the three men over six feet tall within fifty miles of your vicinity that initially “did it”.

He says he’s at the bar. You look. You don’t see anyone.

Someone begins walking toward you. The face looks familiar. Wait, it’s him. What happened to a whole five inches of his height? He looks like your height twin and you aren’t tall.

“Hi, how are you? You look even better than your pictures.” You freeze. Wishing you could say the same.

Male Grievance One: Female profiles with “model” pictures.

Pictures are worth a thousand words they say. Hers certainly are. How is she single?

With each conversation, you are determined to Sherlock Holmes the red flags out of her. She doesn’t seem like a “stage five clinger”. She actually seems well adjusted and independent. She doesn’t seem to obsess over anything very materialistic. In fact, she asks all the right questions. She might know more about you than the last three girls you’ve dated combined.

The cherry on top that she couldn’t look any better.

At last night’s happy hour, you shared her profile picture album with the guys and they wondered why she was going out with you. The day is here, you’re meeting for coffee.

Determined not to blow this one, you arrive early and grab a table. You already told her she could expect to find you in jeans and a white polo. Ten minutes until she arrives her latest text says. You fiddle with your phone a bit to pass the time.

A presence approaches and you look up.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. I was a bit nervous. Took longer to get ready than I thought.”

You are hoping your face does not betray the flood of thoughts coming to mind. The primary being, “Were those pictures from ten years ago?”

No model on deck here.

2. What the heck does the term “I’ll be their soon” mean to you?

Female Grievance Two: Why did I waste this dress for someone that can’t tell time?

You’re dressed. Not just any dressed. You are DRESSED. New dress. Hair and makeup look amazing. It had better look good, you only called in the re-enforcements of your girlfriend to pull this off. She has better makeup skills than yours.

You were going for the “Oh, this old thing?” look that was wrought with lots of “effort”, but shhhh he isn’t supposed to know that.

Hell, you woke up like this!

You’re at the restaurant, early, but waiting in your car to not seem “too early”. Your purse lights up, a message is displayed. Its him. He’ll be there, but he’s running ten minutes behind, he was stuck in a work meeting.

He has a job. A legit job. This is better than the last guy you met. A good problem to have right?

The time for the date comes and goes as does the next additional thirty minutes.

“I’ll be there soon”, he proclaims, but he doesn’t arrive for another thirty minutes. He’s an hour late for those still counting.

Your new dress doesn’t seem so new. Your makeup, for sure creased at this point by the annoyed semi frown you can’t seem to shake. “Can he even count?”, you wonder.

Male Grievance Two: Chivalry needs to die, this is too much.

You’re meeting her for seven at the restaurant you chose because it’s closer to her than you. All this in an effort to show her chivalry is far from dead. You don’t even plan to let her pay for anything. In fact, she spoke, you heard her, she likes sushi but hasn’t been in a while.

The sushi restaurant was the clear winner.

Your date begins in a half hour. In an effort to avoid any traffic mishaps you’re around the corner, better safe than sorry.

Your phone vibrates in the cupholder, it’s her, “Can we move the date to seven-thirty? The time got away from me. I’m sorry.”

What could you say besides “Okay” that wouldn’t make you seem like an asshole? You roll with it.

You manage to change the reservations, but not without a fair warning from the hostess that they can accommodate no further changes.

You arrive, wait, seven-thirty has come and gone, its eight. You’ve already had two drinks.

She’s finally here. No sincere apology. She seemed less stressed and more indifferent. “Is this what I get for being chivalrous?”, you think.

3. The disappearance of your phone and other magic tricks

Female Grievance Three: Did you fail math? Things don’t seem to be adding up.

Things in your love life may finally be looking up.

You’ve been talking to the same guy for over three weeks, virtually, but that’s the norm now so it still counts. You talk from the beginning of the day until someone signs off citing the importance of sleep to both of your wellbeings, albeit already late.

Today is a bit different. You haven’t heard from him.

The usually “Good Morning” text never came. When you lunch rolled around you forsook all concern for looking desperate and decided to check-in.

No response came.

The next morning you wake to a text from him. He says he left his phone “in the gym”.

The timeline, however, seems off. He is a white-collar professional. How could he have gone twenty-four hours without a phone? He checks his email more than you check IG. What gives?

Male Grievance Three: Am I the weekday time occupier?

She might be “it”.

You met online.

Confirmed she didn’t have two heads in person.

She was, in fact, more charming than her app messages even led you to believe.

After a couple of weeks of being “official”, per her request, you can’t seem to find anything wrong with her except one idiosyncrasy.

She seems to be inaccessible Friday afternoons through Sunday evenings.

What’s worse is that her social media profile shows active the entire weekend.

Are you paranoid or stupid? That is the question of the week.