Dating : The Empty Harvest

By Adelia Weber

Everything was different that fall. The leaves’ bright shades of red, orange and gold all seemed lackluster. The weather was the same chill as always, but the cold this fall reached to my bones. It was the kind of cold that made you shake when you got back in the heat, not the light nip on your nose that seemed to remind you that the good times were here. I wasn’t sure what it was. The sun still shined brightly through the leaves during the day, but instead of finding joy in the glory of the sky shining down beautifully I keep finding it sad that it doesn’t shine on me. I’m not my cat Bonkers in my window sill, so easily pleased by that one ray coming in.

Unlike Bonkers, I sit here in my recliner after the drive to my home in the suburbs. I’m not sure what emotion I was feeling. Nothing seemed to impress me, my usual apple-picking, pumpkin spice chai latte self no longer seemed to have joy from my usual rituals. The pumpkin spice chai latte seemed too sweet, or too hot, or too… Whatever it was, it wasn’t the perfect drink to take a step outside and soak in the feeling of the season.

Bonkers stepped down on his low hanging perch and stretched out on the carpet before making his way to me. He rubbed his head on my leg, and noticing my lack of interest he jumped up onto my lap. It’s like somehow he knew what I was feeling, or the lack thereof. The funny thing was that everything in my life was going right, I had a beautiful house in the suburbs, recently married to the love of my life, and I had a career I was fulfilled in and set up for a promotion in the next year. To the blind eye, I was living the American dream.

But it seemed that this fall by harvest was empty. Bonkers had been the only one to take notice, but my wife seemed to not notice my distance from my favorite season. She talked to me like everything was normal, played with my hair like we were still playful, and fucked me like she was exploring the female physique for the first time.

I should be happy. I should feel more warm when I see my wife. I should feel all of these things. But I can’t. Maybe I should go to a therapist. Maybe I should eat more healthy foods. Maybe I should do a lot of things.

Bonkers purred a little louder disrupting my train of thought. I read somewhere online that cats can sense when someone is in distress. I think Bonkers knew deep down what it was. It was what I always feared in the back of my mind. Even though now I couldn’t even bring myself to fear. It was what my mother called major depression. My mother told me that it runs on my father’s side of the family, and that it would be highly likely that I would get it. I never thought it would come now. Mental disorders usually manifest in your early 20s and I was on the edge of 29. I thought my few years were over, and I had been in the clear.

Evidently, not. My father couldn’t deal with it and ended up dead before I was born. My mother never told me how, but I knew deep down what happened. I knew it was the sadness that ebbed at him every day. Even when he found out my mother was pregnant, he couldn’t latch himself onto that bit of joy. Looking at my wife across the room, I didn’t want to leave her like that. She needed better than that. She didn’t need this empty harvest I was presenting her: going through the emotions, but internally nothing.

Bonkers flipped on his back in his usual manner. I looked down at the long, gray haired cat. He knew before anyone else and he didn’t even have half the brain activity humans do. Funny little cat. Funny little things that happen like this. I took a deep breath and stood up, kicking Bonkers out of his spot. Usually, that type of behavior would earn a swat from him, but this time Bonkers seemed to know and he followed me as I walked out of the living room and into the bedroom where my phone was charging. My wife wasn’t home yet, and so I knew this was the time if I was going to do this. I unlocked my phone, and called the number I didn’t want to call. The line picked up and said, “I didn’t think I was going to hear from you ever again.”

I paused for a moment and pursed my lips. I took a deep inhale and exhale and said, “Can you be here in 15 minutes?”

I could tell he was smiling and chuckling to himself, “They always come back, don’t they?”

“I guess you’re right.” There was a pause on the other hand, and the anticipation was angering me. “You’re coming right?”

“Is it going to be your usual?”

“Double.”

“On my way.” The phone line went silent, and put down my phone on the night stand. I walked to my dresser and opened the top dresser drawer. Reaching inside, I dislodged the pill case on the top of the dresser. Opening it, I swiftly poured some out onto the dresser top and grabbed my old business card I left there. Pushing the white dust in a straight line, I snorted up the entire line. Instantly I had a knee jerk reaction. I shook my head and looked down to Bonkers questioning me on the bed.

“Our little secret, okay?”

Putting my tools down, I looked at myself in the mirror. Once again, my harvest was full.