Dating : The Failure of the Swipe System

Is it still a dating app if there’s no dating happening?

I’ve been using dating websites and apps for years and it has always been quite interesting, even as a plus size woman. Of course, the outcome has never been conclusive for me but reading about other people in their profiles is something we like to do. Some of them are really interesting!

Then one day, instead of reading a profile and see if the face matched the person we were looking for, we just had to swipe. And dating apps really became the faces market. Worst: it became a validation market.

Recently I’ve been using five dating websites/apps: Match.com, OKCupid (I’ve been using this one for years), WooPlus, Bumble and the very new Dating on Facebook. I have a short paid membership on Match, OkCupid and Bumble.

Different names, same system

Let’s start with WooPlus because… I don’t understand what’s going on on this app. It’s made for big people, focusing on big women it seems, but… who are the men on this app?? They’re all “cute”, slim, have muscles and almost no fat. What is this? (note: I like a good dadbod on men so…??) Some of them are scams from Africa (targeting single women from a specific group is their speciality, don’t tell me this white bear of a man looking like a model was from Côte d’Ivoire). And then you have all those hunks probably there to catch a fat girl for a night.
Useless app.

Match.com is new to me, even if it’s one of the most popular dating app. Unfortunately, most people here seem to be lonely older people. I don’t have anything against older people, I really don’t mind an age gap to be honest, but there’s older people and there’s people who look old. They “look”and feel old.
Match.com is a disappointement. I set up filters on the messaging, the result is only one message passes the filters on 20 messages I got.

OkCupid is special. I created my account a very long time ago, back when it was more like a social network with a dating option. We had blogs and no swipe option, we could react to people’s posts, it was great, we made friends! But they changed along the way, to fit the market, and now it’s all useless. People swipe and that’s all.

Dating, on Facebook, is very new. There’s a lot of people, but most of them don’t bother writing a bio, and you can’t type much. There’s also a swipe system, of course. You can type a message when you like someone. Most men who liked me didn’t bother.

And finally, Bumble. I just recently discovered this app. There are three different parts on Bumble: date, BFF (to meet friends. Of course men use it like a date thing because that’s what they do), and networking. It’s very interesting as you can just switch from one part to another, and have a specific profile for each part! Smart.
Bumble is the best so far, even if you have to pay to see who likes you. But that’s how they make money.
The trick is men can like you but if you like them back and want to connect… only women can send the first message! It’s interesting but for a woman like me, it’s horrible.

With five apps on my phone, and thousands of people who could potentially be a match, what is happening? Why don’t I meet anyone?

Look at me, I don’t see you

The swipe system is a disaster. That’s what’s happening. It’s a very effective system to keep people on your app, but for dating? When you’re a plus size woman? It’s horrible. It’s hell.

Thing is, the swipe system created the contrary of a dating system. It’s a validation system. On Bumble, I get dozens of likes a day, from very different guys. A lot of them are clearly “out of my league” and we apparently have very little in common: very fit, into going to the beach, into fashion, into partying. Appearence is everything to them. Remember we are on a dating app, right? So why do these men like my profile?
Because they swipe. They’re bored and spend time swapping on their favorite apps. They see a face they like, they swipe. They don’t care about the dating part of the app, they just “rate” you. You’re worthy or not, only based on your face. You can see my profile picture here on Medium, taken very recently. I probably could pass for a size woman. But I’m not. And I put a full body picture on those apps so men can’t say I’m misleading them. There’s everything there, and on most of apps, if I can type enough text in my bio, I tell them I’m a plus size woman, you like it or not.

They don’t want dating unless they see a really hot woman. They want to rate you and to be seen, to be validated. Will you like back? You probably will, chances are the ones who liked you end up in your swipe cards so the system can match both of you and make you pay to interact.

So here I am, trying to meet someone, using dating apps as it should be used… only to be liked by guys who… are not interested in me or don’t match my criteria (remember, I can’t be picky). How is that a dating app if we don’t connect because the system encourages you to not interact and just swipe? How do we meet people when they’re only interested in your face and nothing else about you?

Of course, I imagine conventionally beautiful people (remember, the slim girls) are able to meet people on these apps. It’s not easy, for anyone. Meeting people that you want in your life is not just talking to someone at a club and see what happens, and it’s even more difficult for women, whatever our body type, because we don’t know what kind of man we are meeting. But all this aside, if we hope using those dating apps to meet people who can match… they’re useless.

“You have a pretty face, it’s a shame you don’t take care of yourself”

Yeah, I know, I ate chips yesterday. And some chocolate. But don’t worry, life is punishing me enough: I’m fat in a fatphobic society. My everyday life reminds me I’m inadequate.
So what to do with it? How do I meet someone in spite of my bags and stuff in my pockets, in spite of my body? How to meet someone when you’re just a card men swipe right or left?

Well. I don’t. Most men who like and message me on those apps don’t even read my profile, they don’t care about me, they care about what I can give to them as a picture, as a like, as a message telling them I’m interested in them. They don’t care about meeting people and talking, sharing thoughts, they care about their own frustration and how women on those apps are supposed to help them feeling better about themselves.
I was talking about how Match.com is a disappointement, even with a paid membership. My messaging filters are a very good example of that. Men don’t read my profile. Let’s take me being childfree. I don’t want children, ever. Why men who chose the option “might want kids” or “want kids” or anything along that can see me and match with me? How is that relevant?
Oh, yes, wait. The swap system. Creating embarassement and disappointment since too long now.

Note: why men have “heavyset” as an option for their body type, but women can just choose “curvy”? It’s misleading. A size 2 can be curvy. Curvy means your body has curves, slim or not. It’s not a body type. Match.com is outdated and useless. I lost money on this site.

I don’t see any good in swaping when it comes to dating as an adult. Some apps shows the picture and the beginning of your bio (thanks, Bumble), they must know people don’t read profiles when they are the key to real interaction so they force you to read a bit and maybe real the whole thing.
I sent the first message to a guy who liked me on Bumble. He never answered. Easy guess: he swiped right on my face, just because it’s easy. He doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t care about meeting me. He just wanted to rate me, have this power on my image, and by this he’s fishing for a like back (which he unfortunately got from me).

Swipe culture is a nonsense when it comes to dating.