Dating : The Last Thread

It’s the 75th anniversary of the most profound and astonishing thing that has ever happened to humankind. That astonishing event, 75 years ago, gave me my 15 minutes of fame.

At the time I was a freelance photographer doing the odd wedding, band promo and portfolio session to make a living. On the side I took a huge interest in particle physics. I’ve always found physics interesting, way back in high school I recall being good in physics, not so much in chemistry. I think I enjoyed the logical and practical aspect of the former and hated memorising all the elements of the later.

My interest in particle physics only went so far as reading books by Brian Cox, audio lectures on the Higgs Boson in the car while driving to work and following the twitter pages of CERN, SLAC, Fermilab and some of the scientists that worked at a few of these particle accelerators. Even my fav black t-shirt at the time had ALICE in big letters with the particle detector logo below it. What this all meant was that I could impress people by firing off a couple of the particles with the funnier names from the standard model, like muon and gluon and charm quark, but not quiet understanding the data and charts the scientist would occasionally share on their twitter page. Particle physics was just a general interest that I enjoyed reading and learning about.

Which made a particular 160 character tweet I posted, proposing that maybe a recent particle experiment maybe at the root of this amazing and yet unexplained worldwide phenomenon, the statement that changed everything. My stab in the proverbial dark, ended up being proven correct and me, a freelance photographer, at age 47, making the discovery of the decade.

But that was 75 years ago, people and society have a way of becoming complacent very quickly. Something that 76 years ago would only have been entertained in a cliche and outlandish sci fi movie, now, it’s a part of our existence, as brushing ones teeth is.

To be honest I didn’t even know it had been 75 years, until these kids working on a research project for university, contacted me for an interview. Time no longer feels the same. Like I said before, we humans tend to get complacent very quickly, and now taking time for granted was a whole other experience.

BEEP! The sound from the screen grabs my attention.
I must have blanked out staring into nothing and lost in my own thoughts when I finally noticed the kids popping up online and ready for the video chat. The screen goes up and the two students, a male and a female appear on the screen.

“ Good afternoon, Mr Vitruvio. I am Harry and this is Jan”, said the male student nodding first to himself and then to his fellow female student sitting beside him.

“Thank you again for taking the time to speak with us.” continued Harry.

“ Hi Harry and Jan” I nod in reply “It’s my pleasure, happy to help you kids out on your project “

“As we explained in our first message” Jan continued “we wanted to talk directly to those that had a major contribution to events that occurred in that year.”

“Sure.” I said ” I do remember it well. I guess it’s one of the benefits of this gift we all now have, great long term memory”

“Indeed.” replied Harry “Although new research is finding that this long term memory can begin to deteriorate the more times we come back. Like the very old analog tapes, the more you record over and over the same tape the more the sound deteriorates, have you read some of these findings?” Asked Harry

I shook my head. “No I actually haven’t”

Both Harry and Jan nodded at the same time, as a confirmation of what they had just revealed to me.

“So If you don’t mind us asking.” continued Jan “How many times have you died and come back Mr Vitruvio?”

“ Mr Vitruvio? Hello? Can you hear us?”

“Mr Vitruvio? Did you hear our last question?” Says Jan as Harry seems to fiddle with something out of shot. Turns to Jan with a look of confusion.

“Mr Vitruvio?” Harry repeats “ Can you see us?”

I think I could see them, I was looking at the screen, just not at them, almost through them.

I was lost in my thoughts. What did the kid say? That our long term memory begins to deteriorate the more times we die and come back? So when does it start to deteriorate? After one, two, five times? Are we losing our memories or are they getting jumbled?

“Hello?

“oh. Sorry about that Harry. Just lost in thought there. What was that last question?” I said

“ All good Mr Vitruvio. We were wondering if you didn’t mind us asking, how many times have you died and come back?” replied Jan.

“Well, the first time was actually 3 months after that big announcement when they figured it all out. I remember it well. I won’t go into the detail of my dying, but what I do recall was how I felt. Even though at that stage it was common knowledge that people were coming back from their death and that death no longer seemed to be the finality we all feared, I was still very much afraid and didn’t want to die. The reality of coming back still didn’t feel real.

After all these years and the several times coming back, I still recall and feel that dread and fear that I was experiencing in those very last moments, like it was only yesterday.”

“Some experts are calling this post death disorder, and they believe it’s directly responsible for all the unexplained killings” said Harry.

The next 15 minutes were a blur. I do recall apologising for suddenly having to stop the interview. I recall taking a shower, I recall putting a gun to the back of a mans head and pulling the trigger. That’s it.

I recall these three events vividly, I can picture every detail. My sweat as I shut down the laptop, the droplets of water running down my hand while I shower, the mans blood as his lifeless body hits the pavement with a bone crushing thud. I can see all of these, but can not feel any of them. I’m not questioning whether I did it or not. Part of me is saying yes, you did pull the trigger, yes you are capable of doing it, yes it happened. I’m questioning the person that is sitting here. Am I the same person as yesterday, the same person as this morning, the same person from 5 minuets ago. I try to reach deep inside to find someone, find me, but all I find is a web of tangled thread that resembles no one I know.

I have had these blank events and this same dilemma several times before. I’ve sat here trying to untangle these threads each time. I have been untangling this mess of existence for 3 life times now. This time it’s different, the thread feels different. I’ve reached the last tangled thread. There is something just past it. It’s not me that I’m unraveling… it’s… the… universe. I’m unraveling the universe. Just one last thread to pull.

But as I sit here, those three memories are fading. Scattered images of sweat, water and blood, slowing losing colour as a white cloud envelopes my mind till there is nothing but a bright white expanse. It’s all gone.

I need bread. Ah, I knew there was something I needed, I knew there was a reason I left the house. May as well go for a little walk and enjoy this weather while I’m out.

The End