Dating : THE VERY FIRST TIME I SAW A PENIS

THE VERY FIRST TIME I SAW A PENIS

I grew up in Jamaica and despite all the images you have in your head of rum, reggae, beautiful white sand beaches and the Devil’s Lettuce, it’s really a very religious conservative little island. My mother never, ever talked about sex. My grandmother blushed if she accidentally made eye contact with the postman. To them anything to do with the body was very shameful.

“I can see you ankles! Shame on you! You’re wearing make-up! Shame on you! You’re dancing to the music! Shame on you! Shame on you for what you’re thinking.” I was just covered in shame from the time I was a little girl growing up in Jamaica.

My mother and grandmother were pregnant at the same time. A week after I was born, my grandmother gave birth to a boy — my uncle — Little Steven. We grew up together like brother and sister. As we got older, he wanted me to call him ‘Uncle Steven.’

“I’m not calling you Uncle! You’re a kid, like me.”

When we both turned nine, he ordered me to call him Uncle Steven.

“It’s a sign of respect, call me Uncle!”

He thought he could tell me what to do.

“I told you a real Uncle is a man who is Big, a grown-up who looks like an Uncle!”

“If you don’t call me Uncle Steve, I’m gonna beat you up.”

“Oh Yeah? Well I’m bigger than you!”

I pounded him into the ground and got him to cry Uncle. Grandma Olive, Steven’s mom, has many fruit trees in her yard. Naiseberry, Coconut, Ackee, the National fruit of Jamaica and that big ol’ Mango tree right smack in the middle. One summer when I was “Queen of the Tree Climbers.” Steven’s outside my window yelling for me to come out and play.

“Psssst! Debbie! Come here!”

“I’m doing homework dummy. Some people DO, you know!”

“Look! Debbie, Look!”

He runs inside and starts waving a dollar bill in front of my face.

“You want this dollar? I’ll give it to you if you climb up the mango tree with me.”

He’s gonna pay me a dollar to climb a tree? That’s like paying a fish to swim! A dollar will buy me candy for a whole week, easy. I looked at my homework and suddenly realized, spelling don’t pay. I run outside and climb up the mango tree like a lizard. If they had ‘Climbing Mango Tree’ in the Olympics, I could have brought home the gold for Jamaica. So, here I am, pretty close to the top of the Mango Tree when slow-poke Little Steven — who, believe me, I’m not calling ‘Uncle’ — finally gets up here. He had just started being bigger than me.

“Okay — Give me the dollar.”

“First, I want you to do what I say.”

“I’m not calling you Uncle.”

“I don’t care what you call me. I want to show you something.” He unzips his pants.

“I’ll give you the dollar, but first I’ll show you mine, and then you show me yours. Fair deal?”

“It’s a sin! Pastor White says its a sin! We’ll burn in hell!”

“Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.”

“I ain’t showin’ you nuthin!” I start to climb back down the tree, then an idea pops into my head and I pause.

“Give me the dollar and I’ll take a look at yours.”

“Here, here! Take it!”

I never saw anybody hand over money so fast! He was so excited! I’m gonna get to see it! I always wondered what it looked like. I know, I know God — I shouldn’t be doing this, but maybe it’s only half a sin if I just take a quick look and don’t touch anything. I inch closer. He pulls out what looks like a snake with one eye. You know, as you grow up, there are so many amazing things in the world that you see. Some are simple things: You see a cake rise. How’d it do that? Amazing. When you first see a Giraffe. Wow! Look at that neck! It changed my whole idea about what a neck could be. Surprises on top of surprises. Stuff you’d never think could be. And, now, at this tender age, I learn that my nine-year-old uncle has a snake between his legs! You know when Alice goes through the looking glass into Wonderland? That’s where I was. For me — my Uncle Steven had a Mad Hatter in his pants.

“Touch it,” he says.

He wants me to touch it! I felt like I was fallin’ down the rabbit hole.

I hold out my hand. “That’ll be two more dollars, please.”

OMG! He gives it to me! All of a sudden, I had power and money! And money equals candy! This is a great business! I slowly reach my hand out when I hear a loud voice in my head.

“Hey! Don’t touch that!” I pull my hand back quickly.

Who’s that, I’m wondering. The voice in my head answers me.

“You know who this is!”

God is talking directly to me. The voice continues. I hear it loud and clear. It’s like I’m having a conversation in my head.

“Are you out of your mind? Have you lost all control?”

I’m thinking, what’s the big deal? It’s just his ‘thing.’

“Whaddaya mean just? You make like they grow on trees. It’s THE thing. Do you like the idea of burning in hell for an eternity?”

“You’re saying I might burn in hell if I just touch it?”

“Not might! One hundred percent sure. Do you know how long forever is? Do you? Its a million, billion, trillion, gazillion years. Mi-ni-mum.”

“I’m only nine. You’re scaring me. What am I going to do?” I hear the voice loud and clear.

“Give him the money back.”

My heart sinks. Give it back? I can buy candy for me and all my friends for a whole week.

“You’re gonna burn in hell for a Hershey bar and a Milky Way?”

“Well, I love Milky Ways.”

“Of course you do, everybody does. Thats why I made them.”

“Are you going to be bothering me the rest of my life? I’m just a little curious.”

“You’re curious? Pick up a Bible little Miss Curious. Everything you need to know is in that Bible.”

“I’m just going to touch it just once.”

“Once is enough to burn in hell.”

I’m thinking, maybe I’ll just get a little sunburn. I reach over and poke it. I can’t believe my eyes. Stevens snake starts growing right before my eyes!

“Look at that! Look what you did!”

“I didn’t do anything. I just touched it!” I’m getting out of this tree before somebody sees us. I scrambled down so fast, I scraped up the whole side of my legs. I’m on my knees every morning and night begging God to forgive me. “God please forgive me! Please forgive me!”

But every Sunday, I was up in the Mango tree. Take another look. Take another touch. Two dollars, four dollars — -the price went up every up every week. I was in a bull market. Everyday I would go to school with a pocket full of money and buy anything I wanted for me and my friends.

“Charmaine, what you want ? Lesleen! Get whatever you want mon!”

“Steven, Steven! Where’s my Uncle Steven?”

He was sent away to boarding school and my whole economy dried up. So now I had no money, but a big bag of guilt. I started praying a whole lot more.