Dating : This is What Has Stunted Milennials in the Dating World

Millennials have had a hard go. It seems that every other day news outlets are ready to make fun of the next fad or “waste of money” that this generation has turned to for leisure or entertainment.

For a generation described as being “failure deprived”, we certainly make up for it in the online dating realm. It felt like my rejection rate online was higher than an ivy league institution.

In fact, I was so painfully single at the beginning of 2020 that it was newsworthy. Literally. I was on the news as a correspondent to speak on behalf of single people and share my thoughts on online dating. The piece took a safety angle but, nonetheless, I met the qualifications.

(If you don’t believe me, look for yourself)

I don’t attribute all of my dating struggles to what I am going to talk about in this piece, but I certainly think it played a part.

Everyone remembers their first time. I’m referring to downloading Tinder, of course.

I had just moved to Halifax after being dumped by my then boyfriend of 4 years. It wasn’t a tumultuous relationship and it had a fairly underwhelming breakup.

When I arrived in the city, I was 21 and I hadn’t been single since I was 17. I was also going into my last semester of university, working part time and in the middle of a weight loss journey.

I was unfamiliar with the physical version of myself, let alone having a firm grasp on who I was as a person — my own, free, singular person.

My intentions of downloading the app was to get matches and feed what little morsel of my ego remained amidst the chaos of my current situation. I still, however, thought that the app would be the missing piece to my Happily Ever After.

Some of my friends asked, “why the rush to download the apps?”

The honest answer, because being single was scary.

There’s a cloak of shame that comes with being single, which is why it was probably hard to find someone for the news story mentioned above. It kind of felt like I was owning the fact that I was an unlovable oaf ready to adopt my cats and be destitute for a life of seclusion. Dramatic, I know, but I can’t say I didn’t have that thought while watching the piece back.

For far too long I adhered to the ideology that “you aren’t anyone until you have someone”. Especially when I became freshly single for the first time. I didn’t know this new Mallory.

I mean, I kinda knew who I was. However, had I’ve had a moment of introspection, I would’ve realized that I knew my friends better than I knew myself.

Honestly the biggest sign for anyone to know if they are ready to go into the dating game, and I mean seriously look for a potential long-term partner, is to ask yourself this simple and very common dating prompt:

“So, tell me a little bit about yourself”

Your ability, or moreso, inability, to answer this question will speak volumes about how your search for a partner will go. Or at least be an indicator for the depth of the connections you’ll have.

This heading is what has stunted millennials in the dating world. We don’t know who the hell we are.

As the great RuPaul Charles always says

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

But, how can you love yourself if you don’t even know who you are at your core?

That raises another, very critical question: how could we know ourselves?

We’ve spent the last decade fabricating how we want to be perceived online instead of building ourselves to be that person in real life. It seems that filters and Instagram grids have taken precedence over character building and personal development.

Late adolescence and early adulthood are the typical age for any generation to embark on the journey of self discovery. So I know that this isn’t unique to millennials. However, the introduction of social media and online dating has stunted this very critical and formative part of being a young adult.

Self discovery is quintessential in forming lasting relationships. It’s putting the work into yourself so that you know what you want and what you can deliver in return.

Not knowing yourself is also what makes being single so scary. It’s the fear of the unknown.

Start dating yourself. Take yourself off the market until you have a fundamental understanding of who you are. Learn what it’s like to date you. Experience what your future partner will get to experience. You get to see what it’s like to learn all about you.

And no, it’s not sad or even narcissistic to enjoy dating yourself. The best part about this relationship is that when there’s an issue you have full control to fix it (and you always get to pick what to watch on Netflix).

Even better, after dating yourself for a while, being single isn’t so scary. The “unknowns” diminish because you soon learn that no matter what comes up, even if you have to bear it alone, you can do it. The good and the bad.

Knowing yourself leads to healthier relationships because it decreases the chance of dependency. You know what it’s like to be single and ideally know how to find comfort in solitude. When you don’t fear being alone, you get into a relationship out of genuine desire and admiration and not out of fear or insecurity.

There’s still no guarantee that this will lead to a “Happily Ever After” but it can cut back on how many frogs we kiss before finding our Prince Charming.

I’m not saying to stop social media or even to change your online persona. It would be naive of me to overlook the importance and sometimes necessity of having and developing a personal brand.

What’s essential is knowing the difference. Dating yourself allows you to understand the parts of you that aren’t displayed on your timeline or in your dating profile. It’s recognizing all the work that goes on behind the scenes.

Take some time to build your core pillars to be strong enough to withstand the biggest blow and do it with such forethought that they become the foundation for the rest of your life.

You can’t break up with yourself, so it is your own moral obligation to make this the best relationship you’ve had. It’ll be worth it.