Dating : When Sex Is Off the Table, Are You Still Interested?

While at a Couchsurfing meetup in Copenhagen a few weeks ago, I struck up a conversation with an Israeli named Ari. He was confident and swarthy. I thought he was into me because of how he directed his attention my way. But there was something a little too eager about him. It was as if we weren’t just having a conversation, but that he was after me. Because of this, I knew our interaction would not go any further than the mildly entertaining conversation we were having.

At the time, I wasn’t questioning why that was the case or even thinking about this on a conscious level. But then the part of him I found undesirable surfaced. We were discussing the concept of open relationships, and he said, “Oh, I met a girl on Tinder who was in one, but it was weird. She told me that she always waits at least three dates before she sleeps with someone new because she needs to get to know them first. But when we met, she was leaving the country in two days, so there wasn’t any chance for that. So yeah it was kind of annoying.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” I said. “She was honest with you.”

“Yeah but…” he says. “She waited until we’d met up already to tell me that. ”

“So, you only wanted to meet up with her if you knew you were able to sleep with her? I don’t think you should expect — ”

“No, I don’t expect that. People shouldn’t expect the girl to sleep with them on the first night. I don’t agree with that.”

“I mean I don’t know though, I haven’t used Tinder in a while, maybe it is expected?” I responded.

He looked like he didn’t know what to say next, and we moved on from the conversation. Still, it didn’t sit right with me. Despite his correction, he’d given himself away. Even if he didn’t feel entitled to sex on the first night, he felt entitled to the possibility of sex with his Tinder date at some point. And if there were no opportunity, he felt he should have been made aware of it before they met.

This implies he didn’t want to hang out with this girl simply for the sake of hanging out with her. The date was not something to enjoy on its own, rather it was a means to an end. An end that he realized right at the beginning he would never get to. And that’s what bothered him.

After this exchange, I framed our whole interaction with this in mind. I knew he was treating me exactly as he would have treated that girl. He nodded his head in agreement even if he didn’t agree, he laughed at whatever I said. He wasn’t there to have an honest interaction. Instead, he was playing a game, wondering if and when he’ll score. When he made me smile or better yet laugh, instead of basking in it and enjoying it for what it is, he was counting up his points and wondering how close he might be to winning.

I ended up spending the next hour of the meetup chatting with a Belgian woman before I announced to the group I was going home. He was sitting to my right and asked “Now?” He seemed surprised and offered to “leave with me” if it’s in the “right direction.” I refused, knowing this was a last-ditch effort to see if he could get what he was after.