Dating : Why Am I “Still Single,” You Ask?

Because I believe in the real thing . . . love.

By Judy Warren

“Within every woman, there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity and ageless knowing. Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species.”

— Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves

“Why do you think you’re still single?” was the opening salvo from a man I met online, literally his first question. I know it’s sometimes hard to know what to say at the outset of meeting someone . . . but men, please don’t ask that! (And trust me, many men do it.) There’s an archaic notion embedded in this question, as well as an antiquated point of view I am determined to help affect in our culture. For starters, it’s got judgment threaded throughout it, and therefore is not nice. In fact, I swear some of the ladies from my sweet hometown are determined to help me “catch a husband” . . . because obviously (in their minds), if I don’t have one, I don’t know “how.” (And they certainly believe I need one.)

Funnily enough, this fellow’s lead-in question came on the heels of a comment made by someone adorable who I had a nascent curiosity about: a brilliant, really cute Buddhist lawyer with yummy sleeve tattoos and a ridiculously sharp brain full of things I want to know. “How’s life in the world of a professional dater?”

Now, he later smoothed it out as a joke and gave me a sweet clarification. And though I did not take his question personally, it stung me for a minute, maybe because I’ve heard it so much in some form or fashion.

You see, to my mind, the perspectives expressed in these two questions are, in a way, two sides of the same coin. On the one side, there’s the idea a “dating woman” is a man-eating, non-committal siren. (In fairness, the Buddhist lawyer did not say it this way — I’m framing what he expressed in a generalized manner, based on what I’ve heard over and over.) On the flip side of the coin is the sentiment: something is “wrong” with a woman who is unmarried, unattached, and dating, regardless of her conscious choice to not jump into the pool until she’s clear she’s found her divine right partner.

Sure, I may have gotten a little feisty with both guys. I was in a mood. Yes, me: Art of Healing graduate, trained doula, TM meditator, yoga teacher-training graduate. Human. Woman.

The reality was, I was feeling tender from ending something I’d had with someone who had been lodged in my heart for a long time, someone I at least once considered might be “Mister Right.” I’d never “taken myself off the market” for him, because the conditions were not right and he’d never asked me to. A part of me had always wondered what being able to relax and love him would be like. But the truth was, it just was not in the cards and it ended with my feelings hurt (and his too, I think).

Did I transform the end of that dating relationship in a kind, conscious uncoupling sort of way, using a Hindu-meditating, incense-burning approach, while doing a healing yoga mudra? Oh, hell no! I went straight to the back of my reptile brain in a feisty, Southern, take-no-prisoners way.. The way you do when you’re passionate about someone and the ‘conclusion’ leaves you hurt, dismayed and sad, and all your emotional pain triggers are brought up to the surface. (Yes, those ones we work on in therapy, spiritual workshops, etc.).

Why did I react this way? Because I resisted the reality of the situation and was upset at not getting what I’d (apparently) wanted. As my friend, author Valerie Gangas, once wrote, “It’s easy to be spiritual when everything is running smoothly.” Or if you’re the dispassionate, totally detached type . . . and I’m not.

One of the many principles I’ve learned from my time in Imago couples (and individual) work is that vulnerability is the price of admission for deep connection and love.

I’ll just say, the spiritual/yogi/meditating “pious” types sort of ick me out. We are all human . . . real and flawed . . . and yes, we each have dark sides. Our instinctual natures exist for a reason, and sometimes our reptile brain knows things our rational mind cannot comprehend.

So, I passed on that guy. I ultimately felt what our overall dynamic offered was not what I wanted. It took us engaging a bit to get to that understanding . . . but I did, and quickly realized I needed to reclaim my heart (which my therapist skillfully helped me with).

Perhaps not surprisingly, I almost immediately met some men with similar qualities. It was a little bizarre: earthy, builder types, active, fun Leos with tall, similar features . . . and long-distance (just like the previous guy), in a place I love, but won’t move to. Who’da thunk it? The Universe served up a new version of the same man: brilliant, soulful, attractive (to me), interesting, a daddy, etc, And also… ta-da! Unavailable… that is, for a true long-term, sustainable “thing,” should it get there someday.

I am clear, I would date someone a few hours away (e.g., the beach, which is a few hours from where I live now ), but not more. I lost someone who passed away four years ago and the level of rebuilding I’ve been through has been intense. I’m good to be “settled.” So I passed on those next guys who showed up, and I mean quickly. I said, “Universe, I’m good on this lesson. Please offer a new one.”

So, dear Tinder-friend who I’ll never meet, to answer your question(s): “Why am I single?” “Why do I write about dating?” ”Why do I date and encourage women not to take themselves off the market for a man who does not want that or has not asked?” Because I believe in the real thing: love. I believe in being whole, complete and happy in order to find whole, complete and happy.

Yes, I want the “real thing,” the thing you fight for, you trust and give your heart to . . . and nothing less. I believe we all deserve that “fit” . . . not perfect, pious, sanitized, quiet or lacking in flaws. No, actual love . . . the real kind with heart and passion.

And as for me, I’ll know it when I see it.

—

The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

—

About Judy Warren

Judy is a business development professional trained in the multiple modalities for better living: The Art of Healing, Doula training, Institute for Integrative Nutrition and Indigo Yoga’s Hot Hybrid Yoga teacher training program. She is writing a book on conscious dating and is a passionate lifetime learner.