h2>Dating : Why I Gave Up On My Marriage
The divorce was a long time coming, probably even before the marriage. He was severely emotionally limited. He had a giant ego, and always had to be right. I never felt like an equal, but just another subservient individual he could quash under his foot and use to do things for him like give him sex every once in awhile and make him cookies. I’ll never forget the sponge argument day. He had a sponge he used to wash dishes, and the thing was obviously very dirty and very contaminated with bacteria. Now, I am a trained microbiologist, and while at the time I didn’t yet have my PhD, I did have an undergraduate degree in the subject. He, meanwhile, was an engineer. Without a college degree. He went to tech school.
Nevertheless, he somehow knew more than me about his sponge and microbiology in general and was convinced that his sponge was cleaner than every sponge in every other household in the world. He was convinced that if I took it to work and streaked it on a plate, nothing would grow.
When he finally agreed to go to counseling, the sessions were so painfully embarrassing I didn’t want to go anymore. He couldn’t even answer simple questions like, “when your wife does X, how does that make you feel?” He was so out of touch with himself emotionally, it’s no wonder he couldn’t love me.
I engaged in several emotional affairs with other people. I yearned for emotional connection. I yearned to carry out a normal conversation with someone. To share my fears or stresses without being judged, without being made to feel stupid. Old hurts from my past and from past relationships began surfacing. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and repeated “I love X, I love X,” X being my high school boyfriend whom I apparently wasn’t over yet (surprise!), over and over and over. I returned to Michigan to visit my family without my husband, and while there reconnected with the person I’d lost my virginity to. We met up one day, had lunch, held hands in the car, then had sex in a remote location. I felt no emotion towards him, nor regret or guilt for cheating on my husband.
I simply felt empty. And that felt good. I was so tired of sad emotions, of negative emotions, of stressful emotions. To escape from myself, my mind, my heart for a few minutes and feel absolutely nothing, was bliss.
Yet it was incredibly unfulfilling. It fixed nothing. I still wasn’t happy.
And then he walked into my life. I’ll just call him “T.” One, I still respect an individual’s privacy, and two, I can’t stand reading his name (one of those can’t listen to old song emotional responses).