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Dating : For those of you that struggle with Tinder and/or other dating apps, some things to keep in mind

Dating : For those of you that struggle with Tinder and/or other dating apps, some things to keep in mind


I’ll keep this to the point

1) There’s a chance that cute person you swiped right on didn’t even see your profile. I’ve been seeing a girl for the past couple of weeks, and though I met her in person, I actually found her Tinder profile and swiped right. She thought it’d be cute/funny to swipe and match with me, but it took her a few days of swiping before she even found me, and we don’t even live in a big city. So before you fret, just think about how many people use these apps and how many profiles there are

2) The large majority of people on there aren’t as great as they want you to think. To put it more harshly: a lot of people on dating apps are simply memes. There’s a reason why so many of them seem identical to one another (how many girls have you seen that love wine, tacos, travel, etc?). When I was younger (in my early to mid 20s) I’d think « Damn, this girl is interesting and does a lot of cool shit », but then show up to the date and find out they’re really not. A lot of these people buy their own hype and aren’t any better than you are. It gets less frustrating when you realize that, as cute as someone might be, they’re dime-a-dozen

3) Don’t assume that dating is easier for good looking people – we still have to deal with the same problems anyone else does. I’m a handsome, fit guy with his life in order and a bright future. I get a decent amount of (good) matches given how shitty the options are around me. Do you know how many girls actually follow through on meeting up? Very few. To give you an example, last week I was supposed to have five dates. I only ended up going on one (one of them was canceled by me though, after I found out the girl was using old pics and looked different from her profile)

4) This one is for the guys, though I’m sure girls have experienced this too. If there’s any piece of dating advice I repeat the most, it’s this: a lot of the girls on dating apps have no intention of actually meeting up. They’re just attention starved, and dating apps are an incredibly easy way to get that attention. Why do you think you see so many profiles with maybe a sentence or two at most and then their Instagram/Snapchat handles? They don’t want you, or anyone else for that matter. They want your attention. And yeah, I know, « Well they’d go out with you if you had model looks and were rich ». You’re probably right, but: 1) That kind of dude isn’t gonna settle for generic Tinder thot, and 2) why would you want to be with someone like that anyways?

5) Think of dating from an economic standpoint: what you get is what you’re able to add to the (dating) economy. In other words, you will get the equivalent of what you’re offering. And no, there’s no such thing as « fair » – dating is amoral

6) The other piece of advice I repeat a lot: most of the people actually worth dating aren’t on an app. Yes, there are exceptions, but by and large apps aren’t the place to be to find anything more than a date or two or something casual

7) Get better at in-person interactions. I’ve noticed that A TON of people are smart, funny, witty, whatever they want to be behind their phone’s screen, but face-to-face they’re just average. For the longest time I felt like I had no clue what I was doing when it came to talking to girls on Tinder, and then I realized it’s because talking over a screen when first meeting someone is awkward, especially when they don’t give you much to work with. I also knew that I was much better where it counted: in-person. Don’t be fooled by people who seem amazing over an app – it’s easy to build a persona and sell a persona that isn’t representative of reality

8) That person you were talking to that randomly ghosted you, even though it seemed like things were going well? You haven’t lost anything. Truth is, they either a) don’t actually know what they want, or b) just want attention. There’s a reason why you see a lot of the same people consistently on dating apps over the years

9) A lot of people, guys and girls, have unrealistic expectations. Sure, that girl might pass on you because you’re not six feet tall with a killer body and amazing career, but focus on what’s really important here: none of those people are dating her, or are going to date her. Yes, it stings when you get passed up for shallow things like that, but realize that, at the end of the day, those people are still single, and will eventually have to settle. I got passed over a ton when I was younger; now when I see those girls and who they actually ended up with, I feel a lot better about myself

10) It’s all a numbers game. All it takes is one

What do you think?

45 Comments

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  1. 1 is what I don’t like about swipe apps. I have no idea if 10 people have seen my profile or 1000. I honestly wish there was a way to access the left/ratio swipe ratio at least. If my profile gets left swiped 20 times straight let me know so I can at least try to fix it.

  2. Countering number 3. You’re completely ignoring the fact the attractive people have more opportunities for dating that allows you to date more and have more opportunities for matching. Most guys I know get 0 matches in a week. Those 0 matches turn into 0 dates. Not saying it takes fewer dates for attractive people to find someone they click with, but you get through matches faster, allowing you to find relationships faster.

  3. I think one of the best things you can do when you’re on dating apps is to not take them too seriously. I would download bumble and tinder just for attention like you said, I’m guilty. I was bored, in a new city, so why not? I actually had a lot of matches even though I had no bio and I never linked my social media accounts, that stuff is too private for me to share. A few guys would message me but I wouldn’t give them my number until I felt like we could joke around a bit, although I never talked to someone for weeks just because. I’m very direct so I don’t do small talk or say things just to be liked. I just thought any of this wasn’t worth it and it was just fun so I didn’t see the point in hiding myself behind a screen.

    Anyway, that attitude is what actually made me meet a few really cool guys. I have never had a bad tinder date and all the guys I’ve gone out with have followed up and we’ve seen each other more than once. Ultimately things wouldn’t work out because you don’t have to click with everyone romantically, one of those guys is actually a really good friend of mine and we met 3 years ago and dated for a couple of months.

    I met my current boyfriend that way, we clicked right away and I’m glad I didn’t cancel our first date like I wanted to do. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and didn’t want to waste the guy’s time. I kind of liked him right away because he didn’t have any great lines trying to be funny, he was actually kind of awkward, plus English is not his first language. He told me I was one of the few girls who didn’t have a picture with a Snapchat filter, which was kind of harsh but direct, so we just kept talking and met two days later. Almost two years later and we have gone through some of the craziest periods in our lives and I honestly cannot picture my life without him again. He didn’t have great pictures, but he seemed really sincere in all of them like he wasn’t trying to be fun or cool, he was just himself, and that’s something that people can detect by looking at your profile, I think.

    Ultimately I think you find what you give, if you take it too seriously and have high expectations you’ll likely end up disappointed if you meet someone who doesn’t, which is almost everyone on the app. But I do think that if you take it easy and do it for fun, you’ll end up having fun with the app. Maybe you won’t meet the love of your life, but maybe you will, but at least you can meet people and have some fun.

  4. > Don’t assume that dating is easier for good looking people

    Completely and utterly wrong.

    1) You get more matches/attention which leads to much more dates

    2) People are much more likely to put up with your quirks or overlook your shortcomings

    You have to smoke crack to think being more attractive doesnt make dating and meeting people easier.

  5. Not saying this to argue or be rude. But I’m a girl…

    Everything in my profile Is legit how I am. But, I don’t give my snapchat or Instagram out to everyone. I’d rather match someone and get to know them for a little before I even meet them in person.

    (I personally think that’s why some of us don’t meet right away, Is because we have trust Issues. Also watch scary shows and It messes with our heads. Hahah.)

    As for ghosting, I usually am straight up with the guy. If I don’t think It’ll go any where I’ll tell them. But sometimes people just aren’t as great as they seem to be like you had said.

    Here’s some advice from me take it the way yall want. But guys PLEASE If you’re Interested In us, be able to have conversations and not let It just be one sided. ALSO best advice only have pictures of you and not 50 million other dudes in the pics. It’s like playing where’s Waldo. Also same with kids, If they aren’t your’s crop them out or don’t use that picture.

  6. I definitely agree with # 1. It took a week for my old roommate and I to find each other on tinder and we lived in the same apartment!

  7. Point 3 is kind of ridiculous. So you’re getting lots of matches yet still find it takes some effort to even get one date. Well that’s why so many of us who aren’t as physically attractive as you can’t get any dates. We might get 1-4 matches and none reply at all. Hence zero dates, zero chances, zero success.

    Obviously it’s easier for you and you just proved it. You get more matches so you get more chances which gets more replies which gets more date attempts which leads to more actual dates.

    You’ll notice you never read threads like this from short ugly Indian guys for example.

  8. As a female, I once made the mistake of connecting my IG to my profile and got unsolicited dick pics so never again. My social media is private for a reason and I prefer not to have random people follow me who don’t even really like me.

    I don’t enjoy drinking that much so if that’s his idea of a first date, I probably won’t respond. Too many times I’ve wasted going to bars in an environment I don’t enjoy being job interviewed. It just wasn’t fulfilling or a good use of time.

    With that being said you brought up a good point. Online dating is hard because people don’t know what they want. Some just want an ego boost with no intention of meeting up and some just want to strictly hook up and some actually looking for something real. Online dating creates this space where you you can’t be TOO honest with your intentions if you want to match with someone.

  9. If guys were more selective about their right swipes and women were less selective, people would find The Apps more enjoyable.

    But men are carrying their baggage into the equation… lack of a track record when it comes to meeting, dating and sex. Overall thinking with their dicks and not their feelings.

    And women are carrying their baggage in as well… thinking with their head in the clouds (trying to be the next Megan Markle / finding a Prince). Also catastrophizing too frequently i.e. assuming that every creature with a dick has more bad intentions than good.

    Frankly if you’re spending this much time, man or woman, being frustrated with Tinder or the other apps, take a break to work on you. Delete and come back after you’ve managed to connect with a new person outside The Apps.

  10. You’ve got it spot on.

    I’ve been using Tinder since it came out. On and off, seriously and not so much. I’m a very average guy, not stand out attractive, more of a personality.

    I can’t say I’ve had no luck on Tinder. I actually found a girl who became my girlfriend from it, we were together 2 years. But this was freak luck.

    I genuinely may get 1 Match a week. Most of the time they don’t reply, or reply once to never reply again. The odd match I do get is 90% of the time due to Boost, get a free one once a month, that gets me maybe 2 matches.

    What I’ve realised is Tinder isn’t real life. Vast majority of girls you see are either old profiles, most of which created for attention seeking, further more, your profile is probably buried and rarely comes up on the other side. Girls don’t tend to spend that long on Tinder, they get a match ever other swipe, so the odds you even get a shot at being matched is inherently low.

    So lack of matches is mostly not actually anything to do with you. Just the odds are stacked against you, even more so if you’ve got an average profile with nothing eye catching.

    A lot of guys tend to get a bit resentful against girls thinking their all shallow and boring attention seekers just based on their Tinder experience. It’s not real. I’ve deleted it now and gone away from using the Internet for any kind of dating. Best way is genuinely to get out and do stuff, you’ll meet people and talking to any random person on the street gives you higher chances of going on a date with them than Tinder. Most people don’t know a huge amount of people in real life. Being one of that small group to a person is already more ‘in’ than anything on Tinder.

  11. Conclusion: dating apps are shit. It will be much better to meet your SO-for-life in person, and it is more effective than portrayed – eventually, both your lifestyles converging to the same place/path, so you two can understand each other and hang out together more…

  12. I appreciate reading this.

    Social, (allegedly) quite attractive guy here; I was on all the apps for years paying for extras, and went on the grand total of about five dates. Meanwhile I was reading up on sites like Reddit that people were getting dates, laid etc constantly and it just brought me down.

    Honestly, I should have put it into perspective back then, save me a heap of self-destructive thoughts. Unfortunately I don’t get women in real life either, so it just made things harder for me.

    Another thing to add though; these apps have a reputation for being unreliable, full of idiots etc. Some people may legit be looking for something, but have their guard up or have given up.

  13. number 10 is very critical you can be consumed and defeated when you do the swiping. You could be swiped left 1 week then swiped right the next.

  14. I think my question will get lost in a sea of other comments, but here goes:

    What do you do about pictures? The only ones I have up are selfies and computer screenshots. Should I get a high quality camera and get someone else to take the photos?

  15. I’ve had maybe six match and two dates in two years of dating apps. I have much more luck in person. In person I don’t even try and get far more attention. If I can talk to a woman then I can get them to like me, but some pictures and a short profile isn’t going to cut it. I’ve given up on dating apps and just talk to women in person more. I’m funny, which shines through as soon as I don’t feel awkward with the person anymore (which is generally a few minutes), and I feel like that raises my attractiveness level.

  16. I actually was tempted to download a dating app to meet more people in my area but seeing this post makes me feel hesitant to put myself out there.

  17. Personally, I do have intentions of meeting up with guys. I go through a process. Add me on snap so we can video chat etc and see that I am real… after a few days theres a phone call so I can get to know them, see their conversations habits etc. Then if there arent any crazy red flags then I’m comfortable with meeting them and we set a date. I’ve been on those dates where we meet up 2 days after matching and the guys always assume I’m going to go home with them right away . Then they get all upset when I refuse.

  18. Adding one more: keep trying. I was completely disillusioned when two dates with someone I really liked went nowhere in August 2017. Wanted to delete Tinder and was so discouraged, but I read the same advice I’m giving here: don’t give up – keep trying. Met my boyfriend in October 2017. We’ve been very happy and are living together. KEEP TRYING!

  19. I get tons of matches on all those apps and pretty much agree with OP. Especially #2. Even the most boring and cash-strapped girl saved up for an economy ticket to Asia, with multiple connections, and took photos that make her seem worldly and glamorous. 99% of these girls are basic, aspirational thots. A lot of them are pretty rude and entitled as well. Best people I’ve met were not on an app.

  20. This is solid advice for people.

    Also, some other advice, there are people who are on Tinder or other dating apps for something serious. And it’s okay if you are too. It’s best to put it out there. Set your expectations and what you want in another person and don’t back down. It might take you a long while to find that person, but if it’s something that’s non-negotiable, it’s worth it.

    But to add, when I say that ^, I mean things like… you’re super religious or not religious what’s so ever and you want a partner who values the same thing you do. Because two people who share different religious views that are strong, can try and compromise but 9/10 it’s not gonna work out, especially if yall want children some day.

    That’s another example of non-negotiable things. Children. Not everybody wants them, even tho the majority do. Don’t back down. It’ll take you a while but you’ll be fine and it’ll be worth it.

  21. >I was supposed to have five dates. I only ended up going on one

    Yeah, and now imagine how it works with same proportions of possible dates, but with magnitude less matches. You had a chance of 5 dates in a week – average or below average looking guys might have a chance of 1 date per month in online dating – and that’s if we are lucky.

  22. I think when u r serious about dating you need to invest your tome and effort on that one person
    It might be one date or two dates.. but you need to give them and yourself a fair chance
    You can’t be dating five girls at one time, going on multiple dates. As you end up comparing all these five women and not really working on one.
    That doesn’t mean you should just stick to one match forever!
    But, explore that one match.. follow it through and if u feel it’s not for u then move on to next person
    Dating many people at one time is maybe like trying five different types of food in one go and wondering why it’s not really satisfying

  23. >A lot of the girls on dating apps have no intention of actually meeting up. They’re just attention starved, and dating apps are an incredibly easy way to get that attention. »
    >
    >Truth is, they either a) don’t actually know what they want, or b) just want attention.  »

    You seem to be very hung up on the fact that people on dating apps just want attention. Or that they have unrealistic expectations for matches, and ghost or pass on you for no good reason other than « you’re not six feet tall with a killer body and amazing career. »

    You’re completely taking the personality of the match out of the equation, and are assuming that people swipe left/don’t meet up/ghost for selfish reasons. I might swipe left because a guy sounds like an ass in his profile, even if he’s hot. Or you’re hot and have a gym/flexing selfie? Gone. Not so hot but you sound interesting and kind and caring and not like a total chad? Swipe right.

    Or I might not end up meeting up with him because I’m getting weird vibes from our chat. Or no vibes. Or responses like « lol, u? » Or any countless number of things that just make him seem off.

    It’s not because I want attention. It’s not because I have high expectations. It’s because guys (and girls!) can give off « this isn’t quite right » vibes. **Put some of the accountability back on the match, and not on the person who is « starved for attention. »**

    /end rant

  24. A few comments just for conversation:

    1. Eh. I don’t wonder about the what-ifs, I just message the ones I match with (unless I was hastily swiping and on 2nd look: meh).
    2. I think this is true of a lot of people, but at the same time, getting to know someone takes time. I don’t bring my « A-game » on dates. I act like I always do. You’re getting to know the real me – the guy that sits around in his underwear half the day working or browsing on Reddit. I’m not selling an image, I’m selling me.
    3. Eh. It is easier to get matches. *Way* easier. I hear tons of stories of guys that never get matches; I’m average/good-looking at best. I have a few hobbies, a decent career, and a « mixed » personality. I get along with a lot of people, but I don’t want to be around them for long. That said, most of the hot girls I see are totally shallow; covert prostitutes in their own way.
    4. This is true. That’s why I press to meet very quickly. If I’m not getting a sure/yeah/maybe I move on. If I get a maybe, I say « let me know when you’re free » and leave it at that. Almost no maybe follows thru.
    Don’t invest time in someone not wanting to meet. That doesn’t mean you can’t pursue.. just back off/create distance when they’re iffy about meeting in person.
    5. This is… totally not true lol. A hot girl can get free meals for years and bring *nothing* to the table but a nice body and shit attitude. I bring a lot to the table but I’m not willing to share unless they are equally invested in the could-be relationship. There is such a thing as « market value », and looks trump personality when it comes to ~~hot~~ non-ugly girls and ~~thirsty~~ men.
    6. I wouldn’t know. Real world is very challenging because stars must align for checking of boxes. Most of the time you’ll never meet your person because you’ll never be in a situation where you’re both there, receptive, and intending to date. The only **good** thing about dating sites is we’re (almost) all there for that intent.
    7. Yes, get better. OLD is a vehicle to get you to the date, nothing more. If you can’t be the same in person, you’re wasting your (and their) time.
    8. There are dozens of reasons for ghosting. Anyone that wants to be in your life will be, provided you feel the same. Don’t sweat it, read too much into it, or get overly invested. If they ghost after you’ve talked a long time (like 2-3 dates and no response), they suck as a person and did you a favor.
    P.S., I’ve been on the dating apps for years – it isn’t because I don’t know what I want or just want attention, it’s that I haven’t found someone that really fits and feels the same about me. It isn’t something I like to do, just something I do to stay « in the game ».
    9. We love trash. It’s so stupid, but we just loooove « a fixer-upper ». Something about dating someone « beneath you » is reassuring (and hurts even worse if/when they drop you for someone else). When we date up, we feel intimidated. If we date our equal, we find a reason to blow it. I think one of the big reasons I’m single is I have crap taste in women. There’s something so satisfying about saying « this isn’t good for me » then validating your assumption when things inevitable fall through. Real commitment is scary – that’s why we keep people out/push others away.
    10. True, but it takes a lot of numbers unless you’re just *reallllly* lucky. Might as well play the lottery – then you get all the thots that you want! /thread

  25. guys find a way to improve your day game.. I am still working on it even though I work at night and sleep all day.

    I live in a big city and all the women are either super successful, on high salaries or obese. Are there normal women out there?

  26. Didn’t read all the comments but a factor to consider are the amount of paid customers on Tinder.
    I have many likes on the app but I’m not a paid customer so I can’t see any of them.
    I imagine this is the average and not the rarity.
    Now consider the point above about girls just wanting attention. One needn’t see who’s giving you attention in order to emotionally benefit from it.

    Basically I think that most people aren’t paid customers on Tinder and therefore most people get no matches

  27. >3) Don’t assume that dating is easier for good looking people – we still have to deal with the same problems anyone else does. I’m a handsome, fit guy with his life in order and a bright future. I get a decent amount of (good) matches given how shitty the options are around me. Do you know how many girls actually follow through on meeting up? Very few. To give you an example, last **week** I was **supposed to have five dates.** I only ended up **going on one** (one of them was canceled by me though, after I found out the girl was using old pics and looked different from her profile)

    heh

  28. Ok I just wanted to try and see what tinder was like and have been on a few days. And after seeing several profiles that said they only wanted 6ft tall white guys I started losing I would find anything as I am 5ft 4 and black. This actually made me feel better because all my past girlfriends I didn’t use an app I just interacted with them in person… then was promptly rejected. But for some reason some asked me out later (I think they hate when I try to take initiative). Now I think I’m going to delete my tinder and try to find a hobby that involves other people maybe I’ll have better luck then.

  29. 24M and never gotten a single date out of these apps. So far I’ve tried Tinder, OKC, Bumble, and maybe one other. I do get matches, but either I’m almost never messaged (Bumble) or my well thought out messages get ignored.

    I’m convinced that if I keep at it a couple more years and still don’t get a date, that it’s never gonna work. Certainly don’t think I’m ugly. Went on a trip too and matched with 3 attractive women in a row in a span of 48-72ish hours.

  30. 6 hits home so much to me. I live in an extremely small town, and the same girls have been on PoF for years and years. And it hit me not too long ago, and even about myself, what must be so fucking wrong with them/me that they’ve spent YEARS on a dating site with no success? There must be something terribly wrong with us.

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