Dating : Why I’m Not Having Sex

Even though I’m constantly horny.

Despite being heterosexual, I’m usually unsatisfied after having sex with men, so it doesn’t seem worth the effort.

Tantric masturbation has been pretty cool.

I don’t really want to shave, and if I do, I don’t want to do a good job.

Once I had sex with a dude and he took off the condom without my knowledge, so I’m super hesitant to even trust someone enough to come near me.

(Especially with all these crazy abortion laws being passed.)

Because I’m tired of making a dude feel better after he doesn’t make me orgasm. So wait, I had to give you an orgasm, not get one myself, and now I have to make you feel better?

My thumb hurts from typing, and so I don’t want to swipe left and right.

I used to work for a dating website, and now using any of them feels like work. The talking. The knowledge that he’s sending the same message to dozens of people. That he’s taken his last six dates to the same place he would take me.

Because I just want to bypass dating and get married (or stay single forever), but I’m not into the idea of like, dating and then living with a boyfriend for a while. Single or married. Skip ad! Skip intro! Wait, this isn’t Netflix?

I move about every two months (for the past three years), and the whole “meet someone new” rush no longer exists in my bloodstream. I’m the lady looking bored on the roller coaster ride.

I’m tired of having the “but this worked with other girls” conversation. I am not a machine that either works or doesn’t work.

No one takes my “they should give me dating references/fill out an application with reasons previous relationships didn’t work” suggestion seriously.

I feel like men would judge me for the kind of porn I watch, even if they watch more extreme stuff.

That tantric masturbation, tho — I swear I can feel the Kundalini energy awakening within me, traveling up my spine, and giving me superpowers.

(Go Google that right now.)

I attracted narcissists in the past and I’m not too eager to see if I have broken my unhealthy patterns, because that shit took years to fix.

Because I’ve been taking care of children and I’m slightly afraid my uterus has been activated and any contact with a penis will result in immediate pregnancy.

Sperm finding the egg? My egg will snatch that shit and wrap it up.

The sperm will be screaming and begging for mercy while its tail is trapped under a rock and my uterus is cackling with evil laughter.

Because I’m saving for a new vibe and I am kind of saving myself for it, and don’t want to ruin this energy on a human.

Most of the people I would even consider for the job are far away due to my abandonment issues and need to sabotage any relationship that could possibly work.

(Hey, at least I’m honest.)

I’m hoping that once my Kundalini powers awaken, I will transcend this physical form and no longer need sex, food, water, or sleep.

It’s a long shot.