Dating : Why You Feel Drawn to Toxic People

I’d been learning Brazilian jiu-jitsu for a few months, attending a nearby academy 4–5 times a week. Mikah was my regular training partner. He still had about 50 pounds on me, but there were no other women in my class, and he happened to be the smallest of the men.

At 5’9 and around 170 pounds, Mikah was trim in allll the right places. Plus, because we were pressed against each other’s sweaty bodies 4–5 times a week, I knew a lot about his anatomy. I wouldn’t have minded at all us getting sweaty without our clothes on…

One night, when I arrived at the gym still wearing what I’d worn to work, he ogled me and said, “God, you’re beautiful. You’ve got to let me take you out for a drink later.”

We went out for drinks after class, and he kissed me outside the bar. “So I’ll see you tomorrow night?” he said, and then bit my bottom lip playfully. I had to take a second before saying, “Yes.”

But then things changed…

Mikah didn’t show up for class two days in a row and didn’t return any of my texts either. I felt confused and frustrated. Is he really going to disappear after what happened the other night?!? I kept thinking.

When he walked into the gym again after his absence, it was like he’d never been gone. He grabbed my hand and kissed it as soon as he saw me, “Hey beautiful,” he said. Our gym mates whistled, and I blushed.

“Where have you been?” I asked him.

“Nowhere good,” he said, smiling.

Confused by his answer, I didn’t ask again.

That night, he messaged me, Wanna come over? I didn’t even think twice. I got in my car and drove to his place.

We started dating, and everything was good for a couple of weeks.

But it didn’t stay good.

One night in class, everyone was paired for a roll/match with someone new. I lost and stood to cheer Mikah on. His partner caught him in a chokehold early.

“Tap, Mikah! Tap!” The instructor shouted for Mikah to give up. On the verge of losing consciousness, Mikah finally tapped his fingers against his partner’s arm.

When Mikah got to his feet, he stormed out of the gym, not saying goodbye to anyone.

Are you okay?? I’m worried about you. I texted him once class was done.

He didn’t text me back for three days, and when he did, he just said he’d “needed some time.”

Mikah never did become miraculously predictable. Everyone around me could see that the way he would just disappear and then reappear with no explanation was an extremely unhealthy behavior. It took me months before I could see it too. Despite being a rational and sane person, I’d gotten addicted.

Mikah, and other people like him engaging in similar toxic behaviors, attract people through their use of “intermittent reinforcement.”

Think about gambling. You head to the casino and slip some money into a slot machine. Every time you win, dopamine floods your brain, but the rewards come inconsistently and unpredictably. You could sit around waiting for that reward for a couple of seconds, minutes, or hours. The chance that you could win at any time can keep you nailed to your seat, anticipating that next hit.

The same is true for your relationships with someone acting out on toxic behaviors.

You wait around for the reward (a call, or text, or other sign of affection or attention) because each time it dumps dopamine in your brain. You don’t know when it’s going to come, but you wait around until you grow numb.

Instead of recognizing how unhealthy and damaging your partner’s behavior is, you focus on the addictive high you get when you finally get the reward you want.

Whenever Mikah texted me something like, “Hey beautiful,” especially after one of his weird absences, I felt euphoric. I believed this time things would be different, that he’d finally be physically and emotionally present “for good,” only to be disappointed again and again.

Psychology Today describes “intermittent reinforcement” as “hungering for the crumbs that we sometimes get and sometimes don’t — hoping that this time we will get it.” (emphasis added by the author).

We can find this kind of ugly behavioral pattern in our relationships with lovers, parents, bosses, friends, co-workers, etc. The similarity is clear: the other person is inconsistent and unreliable, and we keep sacrificing our own energy to sustain something unfulfilling.

The key to avoiding relationships with toxic people? Recognize when you’re falling prey to inconsistency and take time to reflect and heal.

Relationships grow at the intersection of safety and trust, and there’s no way to trust or feel safe with someone you can’t rely on. We stay locked in these toxic relationships because we like the addictive high, but a healthy relationship will never catapult us from rock-bottom to sky-high and vice-versa.

I never had anything remotely healthy with Mikah, and I’m glad I eventually wised up to it and ended it. We all deserve relationships in which we know where we stand, and I hope you make some choices to help you get what you want too.